Silence is shifting
Into a scream
Twisting something inside
Pray its only a dream
Waiting is useless
It will only happen again
Cause he's only a machine
Curled up in an emptiness of darkness
She awaits for her machine
Between a razor and a mirror
It's all that her life means
Her soul only comes in payments
Alone, she turns herself off
Hit the Switch
In a wavelength of hit to hit
She only sees in a haze
Pain is the string that drags
Her through the day
The Machine returns only
To drain her youth
Her money and her life away
Until her only freedom is a coffin
In a Pauper's Grave
I really liked the structure of this. It had a broken effect which really highlighted the mood of the poem. With a strong message put forward and a well-put ending to conclude it all, I don't think there is much possible critisism for this write. Just a spelling mistake and a missed comma in the line above. A good job from you.
I think that this poem needs a little work, is this the first draft? i see what you want to say but i get the feelig you want me to feel something and im not sure what. are you angry, i feel something dark, but kudos on the beginning stanza, try to rework the rest of it with the same passion displayed in the first, Great attempt!
I also feel a little more detail and care must be given this poem Tracy. I love the dark feel and the helpness this poem evokes. But I felt you were to vague as to what the machine was and why she waits on it. I gather the line about the switch denotes the control he has over her. I would add more to this. Give the reader more of a visual to create within their mind. Overall, this was very good, you just need to enhance your meaning more.
Submission Name: untitled (slightly revised)
