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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: DeComposuredots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: rws
    ASL Info:    57/m/ohio
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 2777/1297/258
    Words: 133
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 658
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1069



    Description:
       for parabola's 'decompositions'


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDeComposuredots
    -------------------------------------------


    I found a field
    sleek and green
    as a felt plateau
    at midnight.
    It was there I buried
    my malformed clan;
    the pages wept
    as much as I...

    Oblivion pooled
    her misery, a cosmic
    lotto's karma sealed
    caress, a finite whisper's
    legeredemain, a legend's
    wedded bliss and death.

    As anger to
    a soothing balm
    awareness to
    an ape's erection;
    stillness made
    her covenant
    with a syllabus,
    composed of
    each soul's absurd
    summation.

    This would be more merciful
    a still pulse and a memory
    an open vein in a quiet alcove;
    the master mastered by his art

    tell me...

    Do the dead still balance checkbooks;
    oversee their progeny's decisions?
    Tweak distant generation's dreams
    from heaven's sepia saturated seasons?

    ...this would be more merciful...






    Submitted on 2006-06-22 00:48:32     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      I hesitate to comment because I am not sure what to say-I really enjoyed this and I cannot think of anything construcive to add. I love the image of burying something and as someone else mentioned the line about each souls absurd summation but my favorite part was actually this-
    tell me...

    Do the dead still balance checkbooks;
    oversee their progeny's decisions?
    Tweak distant generation's dreams
    from heaven's sepia saturated seasons?

    ...this would be more merciful...
    I love the idea of the dead balancing checkbooks because it just feels so ridiculous and it makes me laugh-I'm not sure if that was what was intended but it reminded me of some of the absurdities of this life and I always giggle when confronted with absurdity. I really love this because it was in turns dark and thoughtful and yet it also made me smile.
    | Posted on 2006-07-05 00:00:00 | by laursal | [ Reply to This ]
      Bill,

    You always amaze me with your words...As usual. Right now there are so many pictures in my head....Maybe because i have either read too much or because i am just daydreaming of something unreal in many different meanings. I don't know...Or maybe it's your write trying to tell me something about myself....Whatever it is, you are making my head spin (in a good way...lol)

    The burial of something is always tragic whether it is for the best or for the worst....Just imagining the amount of things that has decayed underneath our earth, it mades me wonder what more we can dig or bury. This piece makes me feel so many things...I don't know, you have awakened a piece of me that was asleep earlier...I'm in deep thoughts....I don't know why.

    Anyhow, I'm kinda feeling concerned over something but i really don;t know what it is....But still, i love your writing...It's inspiring to read.

    Talk to you soon....
    Take care....
    Irina
    | Posted on 2006-06-29 00:00:00 | by charmedidentity | [ Reply to This ]
      Hola Bill.

    I actually read parabola's Decomposition... Well I don't really have a point in saying that. It just makes my comment longer.

    What I like most about this is the fact that it was able to be dark without sounding pretentious... you know... something that some wanna-be-Goth would write just to tell us that the world is a dark sad place and that everyone should die.

    I also think that the use of the ellipsis at the end of the first stanza was wise. It gave that illusion that you could have been apprehensive towards expressing your thoughts or that you don't think it matters enough but the fact that there is something to say does.

    This, to me, gave a second layer grasp of Jessica's piece.

    This would be more merciful
    a still pulse and a memory
    an open vein in a quiet alcove;
    the master mastered by his art


    I thought that these lines were beautiful.

    Anyway, I personally think that this is more "real" than sad.

    Ciao.
    | Posted on 2006-07-02 00:00:00 | by ANGELO | [ Reply to This ]
      If I knew you were going to post this with an allusion to "decomposition" I wouldn't have deleted my poem! Now no one can reference my write (failure) to understand your piece. ugh! I took it down because it was despised for the right reasons or liked by people who completely misunderstood it.
    hmm. a dillema. let me know if you want me to re-post it so people can make reference, but I think they can tell what you mean without subjecting themselves to it.
    And last but not least, my critique: I definitely enjoyed this write. The 4th stanza made me think of my absolute frustration at that dreadful re-writing experience. From here forward I will go with my gut. Very nice, even if my frustrating experience inspired it!

    Jessica
    | Posted on 2006-06-22 00:00:00 | by parabola | [ Reply to This ]
      It seems to me that you misplace your semi-colons.

    "I found a field
    sleek and green
    as a felt plateau
    at midnight."

    Field and plateau - they are opposites, no?

    Also, perhaps you should consider revising punctuation at line breaks.

    I particularly like, no - wrong word - am interested in the line/s:

    "each soul's absurd
    summation."

    Absurd summation. That in itself triggers waves of philosophical ponderings.

    Shana.
    | Posted on 2006-07-01 00:00:00 | by shana | [ Reply to This ]
      I know I need to read parabola and I will do so. But first, about the matter at hand.

    Oblivion pooled
    her misery, a cosmic
    lotto's karma sealed
    caress, a finite whisper's
    legerdemain, a legend's
    wedded bliss and death.

    Not to skip the first stanza, I really like how you have entered this world of backward creation. But in this one I don't see the meaning of "legerdemain" do you mean legeredemain? My thought on this stanza that now, none of it counts or matters. Or if this is intentional I'm not sure I understand.

    But it seeks to answer the question "why are we here" and frankly the confusion life brings does breed desperation at times.
    that good and evil are playing out a dramatic war inside of us, I think is true, especially if there is a chance we might be worthy oppponents in the fight. But I keep choosing light and will, always do so. And that is not to proselytize in any way.

    The answer is, you are a poet and so am I. Great work, as always, and very clearly designed in theme. thanks for sharing,

    Nan
    | Posted on 2006-06-30 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]
      As always, awesome sonic delivery... the rhythm you set is impeccable.

    As for content, I can see how this ties in with parabola's piece you mentioned in your description. I'm not sure how, but it does. I think it's the tone, the imagery somehow... but again, I can't be specific right now... my head is mushed peas lol.

    But... to say what I think in the least amount of words, it talks to me about... the art of deconstructing words so that it makes sense to the reader/experiencer... or... I dunno... I'm lost dammit. It's about pouring your heart out poetically and people not getting it or appreciating it. That's what I think. There. Ha. Lol.

    Punctuation-wise, your first two strophes seem fine to me... but after that, it loses me. I have to re-read it to get the flow right, know what I mean? A few commas or something here and there wouldn't go amiss... which I'll leave to your discretion.

    Can't say too much... that'll spoil other commenters two cents I'm sure they're frothing at the mouth to chip in with lol.

    Nicely done Bill.
    Peace,

    Jase

    | Posted on 2006-06-22 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]


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