Goodbye (Revised)

Author: Tom110989 Elite Ratio:    3.38 - 35 /56 /21 Words: 83

Class/Type: Random Thoughts / Total Views: 1146 Average Vote:    No vote yet. Bytes: 583

Description:

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Goodbye (Revised)

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Goodbye I lost you, I scared you away, The most important person in my life ... Remembering the memories we have Hurt like hell The thought of Your beautiful smile Burns my eyes And now When I need you You're gone You'll never return But you taught me To be strong Never give up And move along This is my goodbye That I wrote for you I hope you like it I'm sure you do Goodbye ...

Submitted on 2006-06-22 14:52:50     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments

Hello...:) First of all, I like how you have nice and short stanzas, it is sooo comfortable to read, unlike many who write everything in one long stanza. "You're beautiful smile" That should be your, and not you are... Short, bittersweet, well written and very nice use of those lines all alone on the end and in the beginning of the poem. That created the nice red line.. Very good...:D

| Posted on 2006-06-22 00:00:00 | by ChrystalR | [ Reply to This ]

TOM- I liked this. it seems so sad and haunting. yet you are thanking the person for what they taught you yet sounding somewhat angry that they are not there for you when you need them. I won't really give any meaningful comments seeing as though i can't really find anything and this seems to be more of a personal piece. Just wanted to let you know that you got your point across quite well. Hope all is ok (sorry about the loss of your friend by the way, it always hurts to lose someone close who you depended on) and that you are doing well- Thanks for sharing- SASHA LYNN

| Posted on 2006-06-22 00:00:00 | by Sasha Lynn | [ Reply to This ]

Move along I lost you, I scared you away, The most important person in my life... ...gone... Remembering the memories we had Hurts like hell The thought of Your beautiful smile Burns my eyes And now When I need you You're gone You'll never return But you taught me To be strong Never give up And move along This is my goodbye That I wrote for you I hope you like it I'm sure you do Goodbye ... I have a feeling that this will flow a little better than what you had originally written. But the choice is yours and you can change it or leave it the way it was. Besides that, you narrowly avoided originality and were far away from cliché. Sad, and well written, and containing a sensible message. Well done Abbas

| Posted on 2006-07-09 00:00:00 | by abuzzbuzz92 | [ Reply to This ]

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