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The Camera


Author: owlman23
ASL Info:    29/m/al
Elite Ratio:    4.58 - 71 /75 /28
Words: 101
Class/Type: Poetry /Nostalgia
Total Views: 1347
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 609



Description:


Found this while going through some papers from high school. I think I wrote it in '98. Anyway, just thought I would post it.


The Camera



The war was almost over
And the troops were headed home.
As they left, they let loose a sigh
For the ones who could not come.

As they were reminiscing
On the muddy noisy jeep,
With a click and a flash
They took one more everlasting peep.

While safely docking at the pier,
The ship came to a stop.
All was thought to be better now,
And then a camera drops.

As the memories splashed into the waves
A soldier began to weep
All the faces and places
The ocean did now keep.




Submitted on 2006-06-23 14:33:37     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  The war was almost over
And the troops were headed home.
As they left, they <bowed there heads>
For the ones who could not come.

As they were reminiscing
On the muddy noisy jeep,
With a click and <then> a flash
They took <a last immortal> peep.

just those two suggestions, otherwise I really enjoyed the poem. I love finding old things Ive written:O)

For a short piece I thought this was very good. The last two stanzas were beautiful and kept flow very well. Kudos to you:O)

Other than that I only have those above suggestions. Good job on this piece!

--Kayla
| Posted on 2006-07-12 00:00:00 | by Superman | [ Reply to This ]
  My grandpa used to say that you'll never be the same once you've taken a life... or have seen life get taken away. And I believe him... because I don't think human's are naturally evil. I'm sure that Adolf Hitler fell in love once. And I'm sure that there was a time when he valued life.

But life has a way of changing people.


A sigh is good.

It doesn't necessarily carry a positive or negative undertone. It's just a way of saying that somethings are almost too much to handle...

So here's to life.

(sigh)

Anyway, I like the feel of this piece. The simplicity allowed you to convey the deepest of emotions and touch more than one solid ground. In a way, it reminds me of the way Hemmingway would execute some of his thoughts on paper.

The transition, I think, needs some work, but it doesn't ultimately hinder your piece from touching people... especially with the point of realization involved.
| Posted on 2006-06-24 00:00:00 | by ANGELO | [ Reply to This ]
  a few syllable problems:

they let loose a sigh

maybe try, they loosed a sigh? idk. there's one too many right there.

For the ones who could not come.

too many syllables there too- how about for those who could not come?

With a click and a flash
They took one more everlasting peep.

you need another syllable in the line "with a..." something like, "with a click and with a flash". The line below it is too long, and I don't understand why you used the word "peep" other than for rhyming reasons. It doesn't work.

And then a camera drops.
that should be past tense, "dropped" because the rest of the poem is in the past tense.

The last one needs some rhythmic work, but it's late and I can't think of any suggestions. just read it. you'll sense the too-long and too-short lines.

As for content, this is a good poem, if not a little trite. And there's a better way of conveying emotion rather than just someone weeping. Having your friends die is traumatic, I'm sure you can think of spicier words than those. but I think I'm being overly critical. it's not a bad poem.
| Posted on 2006-06-24 00:00:00 | by Kristen Gudsnuk | [ Reply to This ]
  I sense a shift in time that isnt specified in the poem, the shift from jeep to boat is a jagged one at best but you have some great stuff there.
| Posted on 2006-06-23 00:00:00 | by godiva0679 | [ Reply to This ]


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