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    dots Submission Name: The Cameradots

    Author: owlman23
    ASL Info:    29/m/al
    Elite Ratio:    4.58 - 71/75/28
    Words: 101
    Class/Type: Poetry/Nostalgia
    Total Views: 1067
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 609

       Found this while going through some papers from high school. I think I wrote it in '98. Anyway, just thought I would post it.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Cameradots

    The war was almost over
    And the troops were headed home.
    As they left, they let loose a sigh
    For the ones who could not come.

    As they were reminiscing
    On the muddy noisy jeep,
    With a click and a flash
    They took one more everlasting peep.

    While safely docking at the pier,
    The ship came to a stop.
    All was thought to be better now,
    And then a camera drops.

    As the memories splashed into the waves
    A soldier began to weep
    All the faces and places
    The ocean did now keep.

    Submitted on 2006-06-23 14:33:37     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

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    ||| Comments |||
      The war was almost over
    And the troops were headed home.
    As they left, they <bowed there heads>
    For the ones who could not come.

    As they were reminiscing
    On the muddy noisy jeep,
    With a click and <then> a flash
    They took <a last immortal> peep.

    just those two suggestions, otherwise I really enjoyed the poem. I love finding old things Ive written:O)

    For a short piece I thought this was very good. The last two stanzas were beautiful and kept flow very well. Kudos to you:O)

    Other than that I only have those above suggestions. Good job on this piece!

    | Posted on 2006-07-12 00:00:00 | by Superman | [ Reply to This ]
      My grandpa used to say that you'll never be the same once you've taken a life... or have seen life get taken away. And I believe him... because I don't think human's are naturally evil. I'm sure that Adolf Hitler fell in love once. And I'm sure that there was a time when he valued life.

    But life has a way of changing people.

    A sigh is good.

    It doesn't necessarily carry a positive or negative undertone. It's just a way of saying that somethings are almost too much to handle...

    So here's to life.


    Anyway, I like the feel of this piece. The simplicity allowed you to convey the deepest of emotions and touch more than one solid ground. In a way, it reminds me of the way Hemmingway would execute some of his thoughts on paper.

    The transition, I think, needs some work, but it doesn't ultimately hinder your piece from touching people... especially with the point of realization involved.
    | Posted on 2006-06-24 00:00:00 | by ANGELO | [ Reply to This ]
      a few syllable problems:

    they let loose a sigh

    maybe try, they loosed a sigh? idk. there's one too many right there.

    For the ones who could not come.

    too many syllables there too- how about for those who could not come?

    With a click and a flash
    They took one more everlasting peep.

    you need another syllable in the line "with a..." something like, "with a click and with a flash". The line below it is too long, and I don't understand why you used the word "peep" other than for rhyming reasons. It doesn't work.

    And then a camera drops.
    that should be past tense, "dropped" because the rest of the poem is in the past tense.

    The last one needs some rhythmic work, but it's late and I can't think of any suggestions. just read it. you'll sense the too-long and too-short lines.

    As for content, this is a good poem, if not a little trite. And there's a better way of conveying emotion rather than just someone weeping. Having your friends die is traumatic, I'm sure you can think of spicier words than those. but I think I'm being overly critical. it's not a bad poem.
    | Posted on 2006-06-24 00:00:00 | by Kristen Gudsnuk | [ Reply to This ]
      I sense a shift in time that isnt specified in the poem, the shift from jeep to boat is a jagged one at best but you have some great stuff there.
    | Posted on 2006-06-23 00:00:00 | by godiva0679 | [ Reply to This ]

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