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something to hide


Author: bosse22
ASL Info:    22/m/maine
Elite Ratio:    5.2 - 22 /25 /5
Words: 152
Class/Type: Poetry /Serious
Total Views: 877
Average Vote:    4.0000
Bytes: 1006



Description:


tell me what you think of this poem, let me know what it is about to you, i'd also love to hear any other input you may have about it, thank you for your time


something to hide



Found a few things
buried within me
tried resurfacing
whats held down inside of me
just wish i could escape this manhole of memories.
All the manic depressive dreams
pointing and laughing at the mirrors
inside is uglier than outside
mentally awkward
its always been too safe to be famous
so just take me off the list
i've shaken hands with the devil
but i don't want to be mistaken for wearing his crown

just like the pooled stub of a candle
flame burns away the wax
gravel shoveled on my life
give nothing away to chance
no emotions left to show
out of my polished lips i seem to groan
dismantling the monster, i do not comprehend
Pathetically struggling to obtain the obvious within
cheeks already hollowed
it continues to pinch and poke
even though freedom is for the unfaithful
its too late for me to vote.




Submitted on 2006-06-23 19:15:52     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  Very nice. You had a much better way of wording your poem with using full sentences here. I get the feeling you are trying to forget a painful past that depresses you and you are ashame of some of your past actions. This was a very strong poem, and really reached out to the reader, begging to be read and understood. I would suggest that you do foucs more on your metaphors and not jump around. I would also suggest that you blend your two stanzas more into one, so that they don't seem mismatched. This was very good, and all it needs is a little tweaking.
| Posted on 2006-10-05 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]
  I was about to comment on this earlier, but was stunned by ahem, some of the comments and ended up just ummm... well, I'm back now, and I do understand what you're saying in this piece. I think I'd like to see more background on some of the things you started, though, instead of the metaphors flipping so fast in the second part... like, in the beginning you're indepth about the manhole, but then when it changes to another description, you seem to lose the focus you had in the first part, and start each line seems to thirst for more indepth description, instead of it seeming like a list of things... it makes it seem a little scattered. I do like the first part a lot.
| Posted on 2006-10-05 00:00:00 | by grey_girl | [ Reply to This ]
  This piece caught my attention. To me it refelcted upon the evil demon inside all of us. the human condition often causes us to reflect on our actions and how we project ourselves to the outside world... does that make any sense at all?!... im kind of rambling

Well to me this poem was about hte constant struggle between what we want and what is right. I will be the first to admit that I have not always done what was right in the past... actually I was just a [censored]... I promise not anymore. But I do beleive that karma definatly caught up and did its justice upon me.

The line that actually caught my attention the most was "even though freedom is for the unfaithful" Even though not a lot of people may agree with me here I do beleive that this sentance was the most honest statement I have heard in a long time.

Although I want to beleive that true freedom is for the faithful of heart, it seems that faithfulness has enslaved us all. Ok... you might be confused now so let me expalin...

I have done the unfaithfulless and the faithfullness while the faithful route route made me more content with my heart... my soul died. I am not saying that it is impossible to be content, happy and faithful... it just seems that we settle in life for what we think is right and not what we know we deserve and need.

I know that now I am just rambling... so I will just leave it at that. So to me this piece was on soooo many different demons within us... umm yeah... the constant conflict between our inner demons and our knowledge and what we feel is right

Thanks for listening... I loved this it was a reflection of my present self, fighting with my past self
| Posted on 2006-06-23 00:00:00 | by stormyskye | [ Reply to This ]
  I really like the bit "...just wish I could escape this manhole of memories. All the manic depressive dreams pointing and laughing at mirrors. Inside is uglier than outside." That was very introspective and personal, and would probably deserve a whole work dedicated to those feelings. Of course if you wrote it, you would probably commit suicide half way through, so I recomend that you hold off.

"...always been too safe to be famous so just take me off the list." I think being famous is probably the least safe thing that can happen, and saying otherwise is a cop out for never getting the chance, but that's just me.

There are many brilliant lines and thoughts here, but they are disjointed and don't always carry the theme. Use a few less obtuse terms and I think it will be a more cohesive piece.
| Posted on 2006-06-23 00:00:00 | by coyote | [ Reply to This ]
  Nice little peice you got here.

As I read I was drawn into the self loathing of the person.
This speakes of things done that was not something to be proud of and wishes at times to be able to take it back.
This almosts feels as if the person is in the pen and regretting for the crimes that was committed.
There is an understanding of the price paid for such things. the writer gives this piece a sort wisdom. KNowing the things done he does not ask for foregivness but understanding.

i've shaken hands with the devil
but i don't want to be mistaken for wearing his crown

This part I like the most in the write and not because of its bravity but because the writer wants us to know that though he has walked that path he wishes not to be labled.

"even though freedom is for the unfaithful
its too late for me to vote."
This part leads me to believe that this man is or once was a caged bird

I probably am way off here and hope not to offend.
The write looks at the inner demons of this person and that my friend can never be a bad thing. We must always evaluate our inner selves from time to time so that we can keep ourselves honest about what we want out of life and where we want to go.

Nicely done

Respect and Admiration

Clyde

| Posted on 2006-06-23 00:00:00 | by Wisdom Seeker | [ Reply to This ]
  This reeks of pride.

I don't know if you intentionally made it that way or it is simply a consequence due to the way you chose to discuss things... but I can assure you that it worked.

To me, this felt like the persona is searching is soul for a simple "I'm sorry." And perhaps he found it but knowing the prize he must pay to master it, he became unwilling to give himself to it. So he traces its corners, walks around its area of influence with the hopes of developing something that would suffice.

Ergo the color-splattered effect of your piece.

Yes, it may be irregular at some angles... and it does come across as reckless in most of the lines... but te weight of your intent can't be denied...

And that is this piece's strongest point.
| Posted on 2006-06-24 00:00:00 | by ANGELO | [ Reply to This ]
  hey man, i'm from maine too!! i was born in Lewiston, then moved up North to Ashland, then i joined the Corps and i'm in california right now...just had to let that out!!! lol...

to the poem now...you describe something really familiar, all the awkwardness, and the feelings like theres something inside of you that just melts away for everyone to see. Like it's hard to contain it right? like the more someone stares at you the more it may seem to them that what you really are is more and more apparent? thats what i get from all of that.


I really dug your last two lines, hit me like a sack of sHit..Even though freedom is for the unfaithful...it's too late for me to vote.


that could be taken in a number of ways...how many times have I shaken my head at some ungrateful punk, that protests what we're doing now, even though a lot of the time I really don't agree with whats goin on? Sometimes I would say that freedom is for the unknowing, because often times, people really don't know the price of it.

anyway, thats enough out of my trap, take care man, have a good one, and i'll catch ya later

Brent Austin
| Posted on 2006-06-24 00:00:00 | by austin | [ Reply to This ]
  Personally, this poem is very different from alot of things I read, I have seen writer after writer to try to pull off a poem of collected thaughts with no real schemes in particular, but I feel that you have managed to pull this off, it was a very enjoyable read for me and it really seemed to hit home, this style is realy hard to pull off, but you did it was very well done keep up the good work!
| Posted on 2006-06-27 00:00:00 | by Dark Muse | [ Reply to This ]
  The battle with in the bath in sin. Quite a situation you are in. On one hand you seek freedome yet you are anchored with a ball and chain. At best realizing the congested mess. Observing it is my best guess. Even in doing so is an impulse toward beating out the reflection.
Or there what lies within.

As for the poem itself it is a battle within that dominates the mind. I must say a well written struggle. A situation some find them selfes in with no hope. Or so it seems.
At any rate I liked it. As for the poem itself it takes the reader right into the page so for that good job.


Sincerly Gannondalf aka Big Bear
| Posted on 2006-06-23 00:00:00 | by Gannondalf | [ Reply to This ]


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