Description: something i wrote for the new-age. for all those lovers we dont' have because we were born too late.
serial killers -------------------------------------------
why do we fall short.
of correct intonation and moral responsibility
to those who legally love you.
the communication channel is buzzing but we
lose now more than ever.
plans fail and we stay at home to live
vicariously through our heads because we
emotions too strong and ideas
too much to bother.
what comes by us might be the most tongue-lashing
color of space we see but
we cannot breathe through insolation
we sweat in our sheets ashamed to be too
naked, too true
to yield to passing by serial killers.
staying inside keeps us safe in a way, but also so isolated...
i like the allusion the serial killers...like yes, one may pass by..but not looking for us...even though we hide within our emotional walls...we may feel protected..but from what?
love? the risks? perhaps we shouldn't be so afraid of the serial killers ( could be a reference to those who would break our hearts) but most likely we gather our fear over nothing...maybe we should start listening to the communication channel...and quit having plans fail because we sabotage them..
fear and mistrust can isolate us so much...
i like this poem...what i would work on is the tense changing..that detracts from the reading a bit...and maybe the "love you" phrase could be "love us" so we stay in first person.
I personally like it one thing I would recommend to you is to establish a flow, for poems of this type flow is an essential element, because it's the flow that will allow the reader to really absorb the entirety of the meaning, also I think you should try to use your line breaks to your advantage, line breaks are wonderfull for creating a dramatic pause to let the reader soak everything in, otherwise nice job and keep up the good work! Practice makes perfect. ^_~
i liked this it had all kinds of emitions to it an d i liked at the end where you said "what isn't random, isn't likly to happen" i liked that a lot and i think that htis is a really good poem. keep it up and i love haw it was worded and gives off emotions so welll i think that is one of the best things that a writer can do is let the reader feel what is being said or described
intonation moral communication vicariously bother. tongue-lashing insolation
These words seems like things jamie would use and say in his entries. you dont like the word random so i dont know why you used it in the last sentence, and i couldnt see me anywhere in this at all, thats why im being a meanie-head right now. because when i read what you write im always there, somewhere, some sentence, some mention. Where the [censored] am i in this one you elaborate hick? where? I actually really liked the legal love bit and everything else. I may sound drunk right now but all ive had is a cigarette and some Sunny D.
I really like the voice in this, and it's an interesting read, but I'm afraid I can't grasp what you're saying (now I have been reading right-to-left manga all day, that might be the culprit, hehe). Think of what you're TRYING to say with each line, and maybe just elaborate a bit? At first it sounded a little bit like Bowie's "life on mars", (great song!!) people trying to drown out life through movies, but really, there's so much drama anyway in life that it's a poor substitute. But then later on... you just lost me. Maybe it's me, though!! if you want, you can message me and just tell me a bit more about what your poem.. means.. :) I'd be interested! A thought-provoking read anyway!