Sign up to EliteSkills

Already have an account? Login to Roleplay.Cloud
Forgot password? Recover Password

The Crux Of Our Serpentine Pleasure

Author: mrmundane
ASL Info:    20/m/vancouver bc
Elite Ratio:    2.4 - 47 /96 /78
Words: 98
Class/Type: Poetry /Misc
Total Views: 1887
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 786


The Crux Of Our Serpentine Pleasure

this sweat we swallow
it fills what's hollow
and our tongues
forked between their centers
forms the crux of our serpentine pleasures

clouds above us
split and spread
while the endorphins
rush through our heads

what is happening
doesn't matter
and words of truth
don't matter

into the dark place
of comfort and wine
and between us
is shared the cherries
accrued from bacchus
and interlaced between
immortal spirits reborn
through brawn of time

our new combinations of skin
say hi
and amidst us is shared
an utterless forever
and empty

Submitted on 2006-06-24 22:09:09     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post

Rate This Submission

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!


  An interesting piece. It definitely caught my attention, and had my focus the entire way through. I think that in the last stanza 'say hi' is a bit out of place, considering the more elaborate vocabulary throughout the rest of the poem. Nicely done, nevertheless.

| Posted on 2006-06-25 00:00:00 | by Jester_Gesture | [ Reply to This ]
  wow, that is deep my friend. I love the discription of everthing. When it began to not make sense, you changed it and im like woe0_o...nice job keep writhing

| Posted on 2006-06-28 00:00:00 | by Mr. Creep | [ Reply to This ]
  I really like this, I love how you descibe everything with so much detail. This really kicked ass :) My favourite part was

"what is happening
doesn't matter
and words of truth
don't matter"

X- Atonement
| Posted on 2006-06-24 00:00:00 | by atonement | [ Reply to This ]
  I love that. Just when I thought you couldn't possibly get more talented, you proved me wrong.
I love the way you word things.

As always,
Wonderfully done

| Posted on 2006-06-25 00:00:00 | by Liv2LoveThePain | [ Reply to This ]

Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece?
7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?