your departure.
|
|
Description:
it took me this _________________ long to write this piece. my father may have walked out on us, but it certainly doesnt mean our lives come to a standstill. :) not a flawless piece, but it meant a lot getting some of these emotional baggage out.
your departure.
my days are a constant looking back but this is only as far as I can return to; this is how you last appeared at the doorway before it closed behind you. and I listened to your footsteps out there, echoing in here. you should have died before September came and left me with sandpapered skin and altered lifeline, bleeding contempt into the careless carvings of your coffin I thrust into a plot of forgetfulness. your self-glorifying acts of penance - emails, without attachments, in spam folders and letters, duplicates of overrated templates, slipped beneath doors on mornings that rain. I burnt them all, along with the other articles of your past life with us. my disappointment knows no words -- my rage, no voice; instead, let my silence amplify the subdued tones of your neglect that vibrates along the lines of emotional impotence. |
Submitted on 2006-06-25 11:15:35 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post
Comments
| This, like much of my work, seems to be written as a personal, emotional tool rather than a piece of literature. I applaud your use of poetry and your guts in sharing it with us. There's no need for critique on a personal piece if your goal is just sorting out your own feelings. Still, as a side benefit, you've got a good piece of poetry here. It's very powerful as it is, and I think with a little subtle work here and there it can be even better. The best part of what you've written here is the raw emotion, the pain and the anger. If you consider any changes, keep that in mind. You don't want to lose any of that. Your first stanza is a bit tangled. my days are a constant looking back but this is only as far as I can return to; this is how you last appeared at the doorway before it closed behind you. Perhaps my days are a constant looking back yet there's a limit to my musings, a moment I can't see beyond; this is how you last appeared at the doorway before it closed behind you. You really gain speed from here on. I might split the next stanza into two as they seem to be different thoughts: you should have died before September came and left me with sandpapered skin and altered lifeline bleeding contempt into the careless carvings of your coffin I thrust into a plot of forgetfulness. The next stanza needs nothing changed, but here's an alternative set of line breaks for your consideration. your self-glorifying acts of penance - emails, without attachments, in spam folders letters, duplicates of overrated templates, slipped beneath doors on mornings that rain. I burnt them all, along with the other articles of your past life with us. Did you consider "our past life" or "the past life you stole from us"? You last stanza is spectacular. I love it. It's creative, appropriately confrontational... it's really good. There is one minor grammatical gaff, "vibrates" connects to the plural noun "tones", so it should be "vibrate" my disappointment knows no words -- my rage, no voice; instead, let my silence amplify the subdued tones of your neglect that vibrate along the lines of emotional impotence. You could attack more if you wish, by specifying "your emotional impotence" Very nicely done. I really enjoyed it.  Steve | Posted on 2006-08-15 00:00:00 | by Lost Sheep | [ Reply to This ] | A mouthful in three words: | "emails without attachments" no attachments for this guy, huh? I thought you did a wonderful job on this, and I especially loved the way you ended it. ... "your neglect that vibrates along the lines of emotional impotence." Too bad they don't make a Viagra for that. Annie | Posted on 2006-06-26 00:00:00 | by annie0888 | [ Reply to This ] | I can empathize with this a great deal. I never really knew my father either. My mother and I left the Philippines when I was four years old... and I saw him once on a month long holiday there when I was thirteen. And toddler's don't have much of a memory so that's all I remember of him. | And I was what you would euphemistically call a "love-child" as my mother was his mistress as he was married. So I have two half-brothers and a sister I've never met. Why am I telling you all this? I don't know... I suppose so you know how everything you wrote here makes perfect sense-- that feeling of disappointment that knows no words, that looking back wondering that you write of. A few nitpicks: I found "compartmentalized" too mouthy. How about something like "squeezed"? Sure, it takes away from the alliteration but you already have enough. Just a thought. First strophe: "my days are a constant looking back. but this is only as far as I can return to. this is how you last appeared at the doorway before it closed behind you." -- How about -- "my days are a constant looking back() but this is only as far as I can return to(;) this is how you last appeared at the doorway before it closed behind you." -- Taking out that period as there doesn't seem to be a pause to me... and then connecting it more fluidly with a semi-colon later on. Last strophe: "my disappointment knows no words; my rage, no voice. instead, let my silence amplify the subdued tones of your neglect that vibrates along the lines of emotional impotence." -- How about -- "my disappointment knows no words(--) my rage, no voice(;) instead, let my silence amplify the subdued tones of your neglect that vibrates along the lines of emotional impotence." -- In your first line I think an em-dash works better than a semi-colon. Your previous em-dash was a dash, but that's just being picky. At the end of your second line, how about another semi-colon to smooth out the transition into the next part? And then putting "of" at the start of the last line? I noticed the ends of your lines had strong end line stresses apart from that second to last line. Just nitpicky thoughts to polish this... up to you. As I said, this echoes a lot with me. And what more can I tell you? Another beautifully written piece from you Rachel. Peace,  Jase | Posted on 2006-06-25 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ] | Wow. Great poem. Fits the subject like a glove yet is still so artistic. Good accomplishment. Many people who read this and have gone through this experience will be able to relate and the words hold much meaning to them. People who haven't [like myself] will be able to empathize and the words will still be just as powerful. | I really admire your writing, it reminds me of mine sorta. Which is funny because I hate my writing. But I guess you found a subject you could really write something meaningful about. Which is sometimes under bad circumstances, but in the end it can be made into good, as you demonstrate with this piece. I've heard it said "All great art is made through suffering". Actually it's a Dimmu Borgir lyrics as well. Anyway, on to the poem... "my days are a constant looking back. but this is only as far as I can return to." Is my favourite part I believe, although I liked it all. This would be an original example of classic, appealing poetic style, to me anyways. If I was to pick up a published poem and read it, I'd expect it to see a line like this. It shows your talent as a writer and editor. I'm not quite sure the meaning, but it gives me a feeling of regret/reminiscing bad memories and wanting to go back to the way things once were. "this is how you last appeared at the doorway before it closed behind you." This leaves me, as a reader/critic with some questions. How did he appear at the doorway? It doesn't mesh with the first part that well in my opinion. It doesn't seem related. Nor does the first part provide a clue/answer to how he appeared. "bleeding contempt into the careless carvings of your coffin I compartmentalized into forgetfulness." I really do love this part, but the alliteration is a little harsh. I would remove 'compartmentalized' and change it to another word, not necessarily one starting with a hard 'c' sound but I do like the literary device the way you use it... maybe 'categorized' would fit instead? But I wouldn't tell you how to write your poem. This is just a suggestion. "your self-glorifying acts of penance" I like the contradiction. Subtle, but also, shows the deviousness of this person. Like, they're seeking forgiveness/making wrongs right just to make themselves seem better for what they have done. But maybe I'm wrong. "emails, without attachments, in spam folders and letters, duplicates of overrated templates, slipped beneath doors on mornings that rain. I burnt them all, along with the other articles of your past life with us." Wow, this is the most emotion filled part I believe, and it's very well written. You articulate the desire to move on and forget this person [and the pain that they have caused] by ridding their image from your life very well. I also enjoyed how it's all related and the use of the metaphor throughout. "my disappointment knows no words; my rage, no voice. instead, let my silence amplify the subdued tones of your neglect that vibrates along the lines of emotional impotence." I felt the ending was a little weak, in comparison to the rest of the poem, but I still enjoyed it. Again, I like your use of words that relate/play into eachother. Great work. All in all, as I said, I liked this piece very much. There's a few changes I'd make but basically it's flawless. And hm, I'm sorry this has happened to and I hope things get better for you, but I'mglad to read that you're not gonna let it destroy, eventhoguh it is traumatic. My heartless heart goes out to you! Feel better! And thank for sharing. If you happen to get a chance, please read some of my work and let me know what you think. Thank you. | Posted on 2006-06-25 00:00:00 | by heartlessname | [ Reply to This ] | |
108330
Edit/Delete posts
Create Writing
Create Journal