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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Going Going Gonedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: annie0888
    ASL Info:    49/f/LA
    Elite Ratio:    4.76 - 327/382/122
    Words: 174
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1168
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1087



    Description:
       one for the bubbleheads


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsGoing Going Gonedots
    -------------------------------------------


    Shelli with an i spells out GO GO
    GO with her hands
    And giggles and hangs
    Out with Tyffani and Britnee.
    It’s the Big Game.

    Give me a G
    she screams (Get me outta here…)
    Tyffani laughs; the villagers chant G.
    Give me an O (Oh no…)
    Tiny, they lift her high into the air
    balance her
    for a moment
    on the peak of the pyramid
    Reluctant virgin sacrifice
    Offered up to appease some tyrant gods

    Give me a G
    she screams (God help me …)
    Give me an O
    She screams (Oh my god…)

    Tyffani and Britnee toss her off.
    An empty black and yellow sweater drifts
    into the village dump below.

    Is this any way to treat the village virgin?
    Jayson, star quarterback, picks up her pieces.
    Give me a G
    She screams
    (Get
    off
    me…)

    Give me an O
    (Okay...)
    She mouths,
    Voiceless.

    The Tigers win
    another one.





    Submitted on 2006-06-25 12:35:50     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Some things never change, yet you have depicted this age-old slice of life without cliché and with much well-crafted wit. Yellow and black Tygers stalking village virgins (perhaps it was even so when Lions played the Christians?).
    Hairdoes and fashion change, names change (to protect the innocent?) but basic instincts, rituals and rites of passage course through the decades with little or no regard for what is superficially au courant.
    I enjoyed this immensely Annie, the acerbic humor and especially the hilarious ( to me at any rate ) dialogue between Jayson and Shelli. The several little asides in parentheses work really well here and lend another layer of humor to the action.
    Well done
    Sally
    | Posted on 2006-06-25 00:00:00 | by Silverdog | [ Reply to This ]
      Give me a G
    she screams (Get me outta here…)


    it kind of reminds me of American Psycho and Less Than Zero; that highly superficial world of endless good looks and flirting and mindless clichéd fun that covers up all that's lost, chaotic and lonely underneath, like a rotting toffee apple.

    the way it's written really reflects this - it's written in a bouncy pop-y cheery toned way with the darkness only sneaking through the parathesis, making it enjoyable to read until the full meaning begins to really kick in; and the way it feels like it's mocking their lifestyle contrasts well with the sympathy it invokes towards Shelli by the end.

    ok, to try and make this comment vaguely useful, i'd suggest dropping this comma:

    "GO with her hands,
    And giggles and hangs"

    because firstly the line break provides the pause and secondly it's followed by an and so it's not really grammatically necessary.

    i'd also suggest perhaps adding some exclamation marks, either to some of the cheerleading GO's, or inside some of the brackets, for example:

    (Get
    off
    me!)

    would then emphasis the trailing off after

    (Okay...)

    as if she wanted to resist and call out and stop it but in the end just gave in to the (perhaps) inevitable.

    but it's entirely your choice.

    thanks for sharing!

    Adam.
    | Posted on 2006-06-26 00:00:00 | by Icarus | [ Reply to This ]
      Yay!
    Alright. I have to say (what) i love (about) this.

    And that means this is going to be long.

    First, The title. Titles are important, and this one is great. Using the same sort of...what? It's almost like an acrostic worked into the poem, repeated with changing lines... Anyway, you know what i mean. Plus, it's great that it's also a sports cliché and fits the ending so well.

    Secondly, the names. Stupid bubbleheaded people are always doing stupid crap with their names, trying to be original yet really only following another trend, and you captured that perfectly (Shelli with and i... and then Britnee as well).

    I also love the metaphor for a sort of primitive religious/ritualistic ceremony. It really does fit- sporting & religious events use the same sort of ritualism to get their attendees "into" it. Plus it gives a whole different meaning to the term "coming of age."

    Just to wrap this up and include a few more little observations, the way she mouths "O" beacuse she no longer has a voice, combined again with the sexual situation and connotation is terrific (well... not for her). The acrostic asides (or whatever they may be...i hate using acrostic but there's a letter, then a line/half a line that uses that letter) are perfect.

    A couple of thoughts... i like how the whole things actually turns into a sacrifice, but i got a bit lost reading it the first time through. The Tygers emphasizes the name thing but i think that point has already gotten across... the name associations with the animal are splendid as well.

    Anyways, i thoroughly enjoyed this piece, but now i think i should probably go to sleep, because i keep misspelling things. Cool.
    | Posted on 2006-06-25 00:00:00 | by lukewarm | [ Reply to This ]
      Interesting that GO GO GO is also the beginning of Going Going Gone. Nice word play and underlying message that two plots are developing at once, and only one comes out favorably. Nice work.
    | Posted on 2006-06-25 00:00:00 | by coyote | [ Reply to This ]
      ok I have to agree with the other posts. I like the coloquial language used and the asides were very enlightening. However I get mixed feelings from the piece. Are you angry about the ritualistic socialite popularity, or are you just making a comment on it? At times i really feel anger in the poem and and then at times i just feel like it is more social commentary. I would love to discuss this further so that I can actually give you some feedback. I did enjoy it though.

    Shawnna
    | Posted on 2006-06-25 00:00:00 | by godiva0679 | [ Reply to This ]


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