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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Why?dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: colopoao
    ASL Info:    42/ Male / Hallowell Mai
    Elite Ratio:    4.89 - 62/55/18
    Words: 68
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 1125
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 463



    Description:
       It has been a little bit of time since I have been on this site, and am happy to be able to submit another piece of writing to this amazing group of people. I hope those that read this will enjoy it......Chris


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsWhy?dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Floating over a sea of fire
    A young morning dove takes wing....
    The Lava reaches it
    Stinging the pure white.....

    Some where a baby cries
    Some where a mother dies
    Some where.....

    A man kneels before a grave marker
    His head bent down staring.....
    Six feet away from his love.....
    Eyes wet with grief he turns to
    The light.....

    And asks
    Why?




    Submitted on 2006-06-25 21:03:58     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Well-

    I am not the biggest fan of this piece in all honesty. The over all feeling is slightly contrived, well in the sense the emotion was a total over load. The sensory projection is nice, the fire and lava to the bleakness of the grave and melancholy feeling of grief. These aspects of the piece shine perfectly and should be something to build off of, but the 'Why' aspect as well as center stanza are just off. If the piece is about inner turmoil, conflict and pain, the ice-berg effect shines better. It would let the reader take the role and plug the emotion into their own heart, I feel it would be stronger. Understandably it is your vision but that is just my opinion.


    Good job-

    -Dustin
    | Posted on 2013-08-02 00:00:00 | by HisNameIsNoMore | [ Reply to This ]
      I love this, it's such a beautiful disaster piece, I think. Just the way the very vivid images work with this feeling of despair, right down to the last question: "Why?"

    I have nothing to say wrong about this; just praise.

    Matt
    | Posted on 2011-08-21 00:00:00 | by OneDarkFlame92 | [ Reply to This ]
      I like this poem and the feeling is very clear, my only little gripe about it is I had to stop for a minute because singing was misspelled, but other than that, not bad, keep it up. And remember spell check is a beautifull thing. good luck!
    | Posted on 2006-06-27 00:00:00 | by Dark Muse | [ Reply to This ]
      ok heres the deal, I think you mean singeing which i picked up right away .. Spell check..lol

    other than that i have to you by far one of the best i have read so far in my 8 days, i fell the connections, the flow is so natural you have no choice to follow it, and it i may so , for once i dont feel like the poet is trying to tell me how to feel, i dont know how many times i have said to someone in a critique that Aristotle believed poetry was supposed to draw the reader into the pool emotion to create empathy. Or that Wordsworth believed poetry to be a spontaneous outpouring of emotion that cant be contained.. Thanks for not making me say that. The only critisicm that i have is that i feel like i have read this someone ( not an accusation if just feels familiar), Maybe its parallel to my own writing, who knows? O btw i think i should back my comment on spell check as this is obviously riddled with errors..lol
    shawnna
    | Posted on 2006-06-25 00:00:00 | by godiva0679 | [ Reply to This ]
      wow, this was really amazing. i felt emotional when i read the lines about the man standing 6 feet above his love. that really got to me. the beginning didn't really seem like something that was going to go from 'yeah, its startin out good' to 'oh man, im gonna cry'. that was brilliant. i like how the man turned toward the light. now i think that he wasn't just asking why she had to go, but also why everyone else in the world has to suffer just like he does and for those that suffer but not in the same way he does.
    you did an amazing job on this.

    Zach
    | Posted on 2006-06-26 00:00:00 | by insphered soul | [ Reply to This ]
      Floating over a sea of fire
    A young morning dove takes wing....
    The Lava reaches it
    Singing the pure white.....


    First is singing supposed to be stinging, if it is then I think it makes more sense to me. I like the beginning, quite beautiful. I guess it's beautiful because it presents nature, a natural cycle. Asking questions as why, when, how, they don't interrupt this cycle- it just is. But still, some part of it, during the course, it becomes disturbing doesn't it. To lose something without understanding why, to stand there and let it happen becasue you have no control over it-- that' s the scary part.

    Anyways, the the beginning made a great opener for the rest:
    Some where a baby cries
    Some where a mother dies
    Some where.....

    A man kneels before a grave marker
    His head bent down staring.....
    Six feet away from his love.....
    Eyes wet with grief he turns to
    The light.....

    And asks
    Why?

    And life goes on. . . I really like the ellipses (. . .) at the end of Some where, and then it goes off to a new part but connected. Six feet underground. Though this was a bit sad, one does have to except that tragedy will exist wether we choose to have it or not.

    I guess what I like about your poem is that it has a subtle calmity to the tone--- wierd for such a subject. But I like the structure even more because it's perfect. Reading correctly, one can't help but pause at all the right spots and get the effect that is needed in this poem.

    The beginning was the best for me, because it distracted me from the sadness of the next lines.
    I thought you did a great job
    -stacey M.-


    | Posted on 2006-06-25 00:00:00 | by idlewriter | [ Reply to This ]
      I thought the best lines were:

    His head bent down staring
    six feet away from his love

    Six feet is such a small distance, but it might as well be a jillion miles. I thought this line said it all. Way to go.

    Annie
    | Posted on 2006-06-26 00:00:00 | by annie0888 | [ Reply to This ]
      Some where a baby cries
    Some where a mother dies
    Some where.....

    this is too "live - lightening crashes" for my liking
    i dont know if you realise that or not but thats pretty much the gist of the song...
    having said that... if you didnt know then i know how you feel... i swear bands read my stuff and then steal my lines and write songs... its the most frustrating experience haha

    anyways...
    the dove and the lava contrasted with the man at the grave is well done...
    the dove being symbolic of her and the lava being death ties the start and end together well...
    i think the idea of lava being death is cool coz like... it makes me feel like her death was completely unexpected as what bird would expect to be shot down by lava...?
    the hardest thing would be to kneel on the grave of the love of your life...
    in some ways i am blessed that my boy was cremated and his mother is such a cow she wont tell me where or what she did with his ashes so that i dont have a tangible place to visit him... if i did i would never wanna leave... but yeah...

    why is always the question...
    the world is full of whys that cannot ever be answered... not without creating new whys... new questions...
    you remember when you were a kid and you played the why game? well you may not but im sure whoever you kept asking why to sure did...
    whys never get any easier to answer...

    anyways... apart from the middle bit that is the song thingee this was good... well thought through
    | Posted on 2006-06-25 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]


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