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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: dictationdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: maninthemirror
    ASL Info:    17/m/arkansas
    Elite Ratio:    2.64 - 224/318/109
    Words: 92
    Class/Type: Lyrics/Misc
    Total Views: 1067
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 671



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsdictationdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I hear the march of the seargents/
    like the beating of drums/
    they bring their belief of intolerance/
    and caring for none/
    I"m hiding in an alleyway/
    they walk right passed/
    I might live to see today/
    but my life will not last/

    see the dictations/
    I"m facing/
    got me disturbed/
    so I can't see/
    acid in my eyes got me perturbed/
    and anxiously/
    awaiting my existance/
    despite my persistance/
    all in vain/
    nothing brought to be will remain/
    in its untouched state/
    nobody will obey rules, don't touch fate




    Submitted on 2006-06-26 19:24:06     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      uhmmmmmmmmmmmmmm it was okay not one of ur best but it was tsill good
    | Posted on 2006-06-27 00:00:00 | by heavy knowledge | [ Reply to This ]
      Well, the first stanza set me up to be impressed with the second but I found it lacking. I think this piece can be spectacular, it just needs some fine tuning. I only found one error initially...In the first stanza is seargents supposed to be
    "sergeants" or "insurgents"?
    Then it is fine until the second stanza. The first thing that turned me off was the colloquial language. It began very elequently then you start using "got" instead of "has" and a million contractions. Also, it is "existence", not "existance".
    I think this piece could be lovely, if just edited a bit.

    | Posted on 2006-06-26 00:00:00 | by beldolore | [ Reply to This ]
      iight boo what happened? idk something was missing in this. The first part went hard as a [censored] but the second part lacked what the first part was introducing. You see the way u worded it was iight but um i just didn't feel the...soul in it.

    DePoetry
    | Posted on 2006-06-26 00:00:00 | by Poeticprincess | [ Reply to This ]
      Yep, I agree ...the first stanza is pretty good....but the second falters a little..

    and again its persistence and not persistance...

    edit this one for spellings

    and it should be they walk right past....instead of passed...

    I think it is sergeants....:)

    Well, for your age , it is a pretty good write....keep an eye on the spellings though..
    | Posted on 2006-06-26 00:00:00 | by Sophia | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey overall the first stanza was better than the second but I think that it was good. Don't really have any suggestions for you. So hmmm... idk I liked it personally. N-E-ways talk later.

    Angel
    | Posted on 2006-06-27 00:00:00 | by ForsakenAngel | [ Reply to This ]


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