Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Awakedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: zhi wei
    ASL Info:    17, Male, Malaysia.
    Elite Ratio:    6.14 - 171/203/53
    Words: 102
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 1415
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 714



    Description:
       some free verse. I can't sleep. my parents are quarelling again...


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsAwakedots
    -------------------------------------------


    The weight above my eyelids has been lifted
    and the stillness of my slumber –
    stolen; not by disorder or disease
    consumed; not by caffeine
    but by a burden
    that rests so stubbornly,
    sleeping on my tired shoulders.
    It is much too troubling for these ears
    to hear perpetual silence of surrender on one end
    and on the other,
    never-ending notes
    that douse the air
    with deliberate noise.
    And as you continue to play
    in this one-sided orchestra;
    your disagreeing duet,
    the distress it designs
    will reserve itself a room
    to stay another night
    in this hopeless house,
    my weary mind.




    Submitted on 2006-06-27 12:04:03     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I liked this very much, it shows your frustration not only at your restlessness, but at it's cause. Perhaps a different title could suggest more of the theme than simply "Awake",--though I am at a loss as suggest anything else.

    I particulary liked the last part, which i might even suggest stand alone as separate strophe.

    "And as you continue to play
    in this one-sided orchestra;
    your disagreeing duet,
    the distress it designs
    will reserve itself a room
    to stay another night
    in this hopeless house,
    my weary mind
    "

    The thudding alliteration of the "D" words gives the suggestion of banging or steady jack-hammer noises, which emphasizes your discomfort . I suggest changing "disagreeing duet" however ( I find that awkward,--forced--somehow) to dissonant duet which is more in keeping with the symphony image you have going. You could alos dispense with the "And" at the begining of that section,--simply beginning with "As you---"

    The metaphor of a room reservation, the room or lodging being your own mind ,—was original and serves to underscore your building and ongoing distress over the arguing. You show that the clashing dissonance is experienced on more than one plane, and you don't rant and rail at the parents who cause this, but rather simply , and plaintively state your feeling.

    "will reserve itself a room
    for yetanother night
    in this hopeless house,
    my weary mind.


    This is quite good, and i feel it worth tweaking a bit to really let your emotions glare through the action. May you sleep better soon.
    Silver
    | Posted on 2006-06-27 00:00:00 | by Silverdog | [ Reply to This ]
      extra thought to comments on "Awake": Maybe a more suitable title would be "Sleepless." Just a thought.
    | Posted on 2006-06-27 00:00:00 | by IamYourTragedy | [ Reply to This ]
      Oo oo I like this! It sort of sounds like your dealing with the same things I was in my poem "What I so Need the Most." You should give it a read: it's similiar. I really like this, and don't have anything to add onto what Silverdog already has said. I don't even think you need to really change anything actually. I like the "disagreeing" duet, it's far more original than dissonance, which would be a more used adjective for a dishamornous duet. Good write. I enjoyed it.

    Justin
    | Posted on 2006-06-27 00:00:00 | by IamYourTragedy | [ Reply to This ]
      first of all im sorry your world is the way it is... quarelling parents suck and no one should have to live like that... my prayers will be with you...

    i really appreciated this piece coz i have been there... you had almost articulated my experience in such a house hold... an experience that i have no managed to explore in my writings successfully without sounding cliché and without the paper finding itself in the bin...
    my mother was married to a drunk who would come home start a fight and then leave again... back to the pub for another drink to come home and start again...
    now... he thought he was doing the good thing by waiting til i had gone to bed to start yelling at my mother but im not sure coz i would be laying there paralysed by the fear that he would hit her (which he never did thank god) and i would be too useless to save her... i would be in physical pain and crippled by fear by their arguing every night... needless to say while school was an escape i didnt do too well there with school work or making friends... my world was just too crap to try with those normal 11yr old activities...
    i guess that was a really long way of saying i have shared this experience with you to some extent...

    i think its good that you are able to put it into words... i know it does nothing for your parents fighting but it will hopefully do something for you...
    like i said i am sorry that you have to live with quarelling but i pray that you are safe and loved in the midst of it...

    take care of you
    i hope sleep finds you soon...
    | Posted on 2006-06-27 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      I really love the way you personificate your burden, as if it is a living thing that puposely intrudes on your life. Though my burdens are different than yours, I can really relate to how it feels to try to sleep, but to have that one " stubborn" thing that haunts your mind. Your style was good, i like your music metaphor, it was interesting that you could compare someting as nasty and horrible as fighting to something as delicate and beautiful as music, and an orchestra none the less.

    Really liked your work, keep writin, and keep your chin up, one day you will be able to sleep.
    | Posted on 2006-06-27 00:00:00 | by bleeding beauty | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    108603

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry