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    dots Submission Name: ** Remember the Timedots

    Author: Caotic_Disaster
    ASL Info:    16/F/Canada
    Elite Ratio:    4.03 - 447/349/148
    Words: 94
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 923
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 631


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dots** Remember the Timedots

    Remember that time
    You broke my heart
    You left me here
    To find my way out

    Remember the time
    We were happy
    We were with each other
    Every minute of the day

    Remeber the time
    You left me for her
    You filled my once opened heart
    With lonliness and betrayal

    Remember the time
    You swore to your grave
    You told me we'd be together forvever
    Through sickness and in health

    Remember the time
    You broke off your promises
    You left me for that other girl
    And never came back.

    Submitted on 2006-06-27 18:46:53     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Instead of showing it to you on the entire poem, I am going to give my suggestion on this extract and you can decide whether you like it or not:

    Remember that time
    you broke my heart

    I think the flow eases when you take out the when. If you do use this suggestion, then do it to all the places where this applies. This was sad. I liked the format you used for it.

    I didn't like this line one bit:
    With sickness and betrayal.
    The word sickness didn't fit in here well, and i would advise you to change it to something else.

    Creative and Sad

    | Posted on 2006-07-07 00:00:00 | by abuzzbuzz92 | [ Reply to This ]
      I like this piece. It's really hard when someone you care about leaves you for someone else, but I think it makes it a little easier when it's put into words, I hope it is for you. I like the flow and how every paragraph starts with "Remember the time" Great job, keep it up.

    | Posted on 2006-06-28 00:00:00 | by xana | [ Reply to This ]

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