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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Pieces.dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Orin
    Elite Ratio:    4.27 - 93/97/43
    Words: 93
    Class/Type: Prose/Friendship
    Total Views: 1312
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 480



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsPieces.dots
    -------------------------------------------


    A guitar. A butterfly knife. A book of doodles. Random objects that defined you as a person. Like pieces of a broken mirror. When apart, each show a different picture, but when whole, one image. You.
    I sit here and listen to the rain, each drop like a stroke of a key. I think of you, and hear your voice in my head. I see your face. I see you walk towards me. And then you dissapear. Just like that day.
    The last time I saw you. All you said was "Peace."




    Submitted on 2006-06-28 13:32:16     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Before I say anything else, I have two slight nitpicks:
    "define()" and "dis()appear"-- a tense issue (as everything else is presently stated) and a typo, that's all.

    As for this piece of prose, it's refreshingly direct and abrupt, conjuring up the most imagery in the most concise way... which is something I admire.

    This person whom you long for seems like a mirage, an entity you only met one day... I have lots of experiences like this, so I can empathize. It makes you wonder about that person-- everything about them is an enigma apart from the certain "pieces" they show you or care to tell you.

    That's what I got from this.
    Peace,

    Jase
    | Posted on 2006-06-29 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]
      This is really beautiful
    I know it is sad but the way you wrote this really created beauty
    You expressed yourself exceptionally well in the short words used
    I really liked the inclussion of a broken mirror in this
    Those words alone really create quite an image
    God Bless
    Ron
    Please if you get a chance Please take a look at some of my writes and let me know what you think
    Thank You
    Ron
    | Posted on 2006-06-29 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      This really rings a bell for me. It puts into words that feeling of loss when all you have left of a person, memory, whatever "it" maybe in this case is a few personal effects. And those little pieces are enough to break you down. I feel like you definitely made your point here, and as I prefer... in very few poignant words. I like that you did something original with rain... like the stroke of a key. that's a new one on me; I always struggle to resist clichés (it rarely works for me) but this took rain... the sad cliché du jour and made it something original. the punctuation is wonky in some places, but I'm not a stickler for dots and dashes. great job
    jessica
    | Posted on 2006-06-28 00:00:00 | by parabola | [ Reply to This ]
      I don't really know what to say about this but I feel like I need to comment on it because I really liked it. I wasn't sure whether to think of it as happy, sad or bittersweet. It made me smile but the last few sentences seem sad, then the last sentence isn't sad but it's... well you see what I mean about not being sure what to say about it.

    'Like pieces of a broken mirror. When apart, each show a different picture, but when whole, one image. You.'

    I loved that, it's so clever, I've never heard anyone use that perspective before, that's another thing about this piece, it's so original, random, but original. It makes sense in it's own way.
    Anyway I've rambled on lol, but I really did like this, it confused me, but i liked it.
    | Posted on 2006-06-28 00:00:00 | by Sagirlie | [ Reply to This ]


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