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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: God from the Misfit Machinedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: ConScribe
    ASL Info:    19/M/Tucson,AZ
    Elite Ratio:    5.11 - 262/360/143
    Words: 301
    Class/Type: Poetry/Satire
    Total Views: 1307
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1876



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsGod from the Misfit Machinedots
    -------------------------------------------


    God steps on stage,
    where the lights are never brighter, but never bright enough.
    She stomps her stone boots to the beat
    and flashes a grin, but only for a second.
    Her smile is sharp, sleek, and ohí so fast like the diamond designs
    that form sparkling silhouettes of lightning bolts
    rounding the backs of her calves, also made of stone.
    This goddess rises up from underground radio in the form of back page news,
    bareback, brave, and bright in an otherwise black and white world,
    riding atop her snapshot catamount as the great lynx roars,
    a muso with long teeth dispelling any disbelief from the peanut gallery,
    those in the nosebleeds with cheap binoculars
    searching for mirrors amidst the natural smoke of things,
    looking closely for wires and trapdoors.
    This goddess has blood that runs better live,
    hardcore acoustics for a better whenever,
    songs that speak of hope, hidden in the unheard lyrics of death metal.
    She smokes cigarettes and microphones, filterless and full of faith,
    playing as the front man to a band Iím sure youíve never heard,
    writing songs that arise from the stage itself,
    songs that are hardly understood due to poor reception on both ends
    and the lack of fundamental airplay on fundamental radios.
    She is the Jill-of-all-trades for show, letting her jack boots do the singing
    while she moves her faux leather lips to the song of her well tuned feet,
    waving tattooed limbs that change colors in the spotlife,
    hoping her arms will be bright enough, and her legs, loud enough,
    to attract the passing attention of every fallen angel
    so that they may join her in song and dance
    and be happy once more, at least for a while.






    Submitted on 2006-06-28 19:14:30     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      "waving tattooed limbs that change colors in the spotlife,"

    What a great line! I'm almost not sure whether it was intentional or you really meant spotLIGHT, but if it is a typo, what a serendipitous one!

    Annie
    | Posted on 2006-06-29 00:00:00 | by annie0888 | [ Reply to This ]
      Woot!! See, people need to write more poems about the God+Goddess. This is awesome. I love how you wrote about her as a show girl, which was a really good way to portray. Many different facets. This is really good, and I could totally see her on stage, strutting her stuff to the audience. Amazing job.
    peace,love,euphoria,
    Aya
    | Posted on 2006-06-28 00:00:00 | by EmpathicAya | [ Reply to This ]
      dude!
    i aint seen you round in ages (my missingness not yours) good to see you still got the groove dude... this is stunning...

    i dunno what to say...

    presentation wise i think it would be kinda cool if you could break it up some...
    maybe im just lazy but i got a lil blurred and lost in the middle there and i think the middle is where all the meat to this puppy is as ill show you right soon...
    having said that im not 100% where i would wanna break it up so yeah... dunno...


    as for the content of this...

    God steps on stage.

    this is such a BOLD DEFIANT way to start the piece... i really like it
    but i wanna draw your attention to one thing... the rest of the way through you call her the goddess... is that intentional?

    where the lights are never brighter, but never bright enough.

    dude this nails your opening... im sorry... the first two lines are brilliant... they really are
    but then i feel like you kinda flounder a lil... just for a lil though... i guess im just not feeling the force of these two lines and the potential they have come to full effect...

    This goddess has blood that runs better live,
    hardcore acoustics for a better whenever,
    songs that speak of hope, hidden in the unheard lyrics of death metal.
    She smokes cigarettes and microphones, filterless and full of faith,
    playing as the front man to a band Iím sure youíve never heard,
    writing songs that arise from the stage itself,
    songs that are hardly understood due to poor reception on both ends
    and the lack of fundamental airplay on fundamental radios.

    THIS IS WHAT THIS PIECE IS ALL ABOUT TO ME... this is the jucy part... this is the part that makes me go WOW...
    hope hidden in death metal lyrics... i am a death metal girl and my friends dont understand the lyrics of the stuff i listen to for the most part but there really is hope fused in there somewhere (ok so admittedly ive spent my time persuing christian metal these last coupla years so there had better be hope in there lol)

    smoking cigarettes and microphones... i love that image too...
    ugh... dude... this piece is brilliant... full of energy and power and soul...

    the end... the end is something i never saw coming but yeah... im guessing fallen angels need to find happiness too...
    i gotta confess though that god being a she in the first few lines had me caught up again with alanis morrisette being god in that movie dogma LOL

    it was good to read ya
    hope ya swell!
    | Posted on 2006-06-28 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      WOW. i know you need critiscms too but lets get this out of the way! WOW!
    I need to reread this before i continue but i will try to find something that doesnt fit ( can it even be possible?)

    OK i have read this 3 times now and all i can find that i dont like is in these lines:
    "a muso with long teeth dispelling any disbelief from the peanut gallery,
    those in the nosebleeds with cheap binoculars "

    My problem is peanut gallery. The tone you set is almost medievial and therefore perhaps you could find a better term from that era to continue the setting and tone.
    Thats it!
    Thats all I have to say! Great Job and I love your use of imagery.. WOW!!!!!
    | Posted on 2006-06-28 00:00:00 | by godiva0679 | [ Reply to This ]
      Nope, sorry i cannot bash you. I love you way too much. don't ever stop writing poetry like this!!!!!!!!!!
    | Posted on 2006-06-28 00:00:00 | by Pink:.DragonFly | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
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    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
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    12. Does it feel original?



    108804

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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