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Never even noticed


Author: PiperH
ASL Info:    17, F, Georgia
Elite Ratio:    3.89 - 253 /299 /172
Words: 298
Class/Type: Poetry /Serious
Total Views: 884
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 1875



Description:


It's whatever you want to make of it. I changed it up a bit from what it used to be, but it still has a lot of repetition in it.
Let me know what ya think. :)


Never even noticed



The leaves fall from the trees
like bits of ripped up paper
she lays there on the ground
covered

children are playing outside
laughing and screaming
and she still lays there
as lonely as can be
under that big tree
covered by the sand and leaves

the winter snow comes out
everyone is outside
by the tree, she still lays
covered in the ice, and sand and crumpled up leaves
lonely as can be
under that big tree

the bright yellow sun appears
there are clouds in the sky
but she still lays there
covered
and as lonely as can be
under that tree, beneath the sand and all the crumpled up leaves

the rain falls down hard
there is lightning in the sky
she still lays there
covered
under that tree, as lonely as can be, underneath the mud and crumpled up leaves

the sun comes out again
the skies are all clear
but she still lays there
covered and lonely as can be
under that tree and beneath the sand and leaves

the wind is strong
people are out
and she lays there
this time, not covered
but still as lonely as can be
under that tree
not covered by the sand and leaves
but naked to the world she used to see

the smiles come off their faces
as they see her there
under the tree
uncovered
and as lonely as can be
they hold a funeral
then put her in the ground
and they all go on with their lives
as she lays there
not covered by the crumpled leaves
and not under that big tree
but beneath a cold coffin door
and once it closed, she was no more...





Submitted on 2006-06-28 21:37:06     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  Well, even your poem seems detached from the girl. I don't feel any sadness when I read it; just a fact that through the seasons she's lain there.

As for the mechanics of the poem, I'd suggest somehow combining seasons or something. The frequent repetition of "she still lays there covered" grew tiresome. Repetition is effective if it's not overdone. More than three times begins to grate. You've got a total of 7 times, plus one uncovered. Way too much. It would be easy to combine stanzas and not really lose anything. For example:

FROM:

the winter snow comes out
everyone is outside
by the tree, she still lays
covered
the bright yellow sun appears
there are clouds in the sky
but she still lays there
covered

TO:

the winter snow gives way to
golden sun amid wooly clouds,
but still she lies covered

Now, I don't want to rewrite your poem for you; that's not my job. But that's just an example of how easy it would be to combine some of your seasonal changes, indicating the passing of time and still not lose any of your meaning. I think it could also ADD intensity to the poem.

I would also suggest that you look at ways to inject emotion into your poem. I just don't feel anything now when I read it.

An interesting subject.

mae


| Posted on 2007-03-20 00:00:00 | by mae | [ Reply to This ]
  Very intresting. Cold and alone is what comes to mind when I read this. I like the way you displayed the elements and how everyone seems to just go about there buisness as usual. Does make me sad and feel the embaressment of the people displayed as shame when she in not covered.
Very nice. Very shocking. MOst of all Very enjoyable.
| Posted on 2006-09-02 00:00:00 | by Man in Black | [ Reply to This ]
  I like this one alot. Your reptition of the covered concept is very effective. Instead of "uncovered", I would have used "this time not covered". It just seems less harsh that is all. Just an opinion. Nice job though.
| Posted on 2006-06-28 00:00:00 | by St. Agatha | [ Reply to This ]


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