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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Observerdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Raivn
    ASL Info:    33/f/al
    Elite Ratio:    4.28 - 1222/916/231
    Words: 535
    Class/Type: Story/Nostalgia
    Total Views: 809
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 3045



    Description:
       I miss the way my sister and I used to be as children.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Observerdots
    -------------------------------------------


    The woman perched atop a cement picnic table and watched three people on a dock. There was an older lady, seemingly the mother, and two young girls, years apart, that shared the sort of affinity that only sisters can have. The young girls splashed about in the cool water of the lake, and their delighted screams carried all the way down the shore to the lone observer. The younger of the two girls shrieked in outrage as the older pulled the bright pink float out from underneath her, and a splash war ensued. The older emerged victorious, and the younger sister, sputtering in frustration, climbed up the wooden ladder to tattle to her mother. The older sister climbed onto her prize, and floated about blissfully as the enraged younger sister watched her from above.

    "I'm going to jump on you if you don't move," the younger called down to her sister. The older sister laughed, a sound that was certain of her victory, full of the beauty of youth and innocence. She splashed around more, infuriating her sister enough to leap off the dock onto the end on the float. She slipped right off the edge of it, and the older sister laughed harder. The other resurfaced, sputtering, her face indignant. Their tug of war over the float resumed, with the younger screaming shrilly (but in good nature), towards the older. The mother finally wandered over, drawn by her youngest daughter's shrieks, and told the two that it was time to go home. After much protesting, the two climbed back onto the dock, and gathered their things. The older daughter began to complain about her sister going through her purse. She was apparently of the age where she was just beginning to carry a purse, and it was of the utmost importance to her. The observer laughed to herself as the two girl's voices faded, their argument continuing.

    Long after the three people were gone, the observer remained, watching the ducks swim about, and thinking of similiar afternoons in her own youth. Her mother would find an hour or two in the late afternoon to take them to the river to swim. Being a rather poor family, there was always just one float. She and her younger sister would argue, and splash, and turn one another over to gain possession of the sacred float. The observer sat and thought about the special bond between her and her sister. A single tear rolled down her cheek, as she longed for better days, the days of youth, and beauty, and complete innocence. The days when being poor didn't seem that big a deal, and the troubles of adulthood were still something in the distant future. She wanted nothing more at that moment than to go back to the afternoons of swimming with her baby sister, her mother keeping a watch over them and occasionally venturing in to play along. These were the afternoons when she had learned to dive, and to stand on her hands underwater. She sat and thought about the past, as the light faded, and the first star of the night made it's triumphant appearance.




    Submitted on 2006-06-28 23:44:33     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      ... Chee. I wish I could write comments like those.

    But for those of us without the patience to do so, I say:

    I enjoyed this piece loads. Nostalgia's always been a favourite theme of mine. Retrospect always reminds us that time takes away everything, be it youth and vigor or something else entirely.
    I have only one question concerning this piece.

    What if a shark came along?

    Yours truly,
    N'body.

    | Posted on 2006-10-12 00:00:00 | by Lacrimosa | [ Reply to This ]
      First Paragraph:
    1st Sentence: This sentence could do with a bit of reorganization. "The woman, perching atop a cement picnic table, watched three people on a dock.
    I think "atop" is a nice, concise replacement of "on top of." Since it means the same thing, using atop just seems to be a better choice. Replacing "perched" with "perching" makes the sentence more active, more present. The removal of "sat" seems sensible as it is slightly redundant and seemingly unnecessary. Personally, I think "a" would be in place of "the" in this sentence, mainly because the setting has no previous description, so we do not know which table is "the picnic table", nor do we know which dock is "the dock." "The three people" doesn't require "the" because we don't know of any other people that could be watched.
    2nd sentence: "who was obviously the mother" the "who was" isn't all that necessary, but it can still be kept if there's any great attachment to it. Also, this sentence could be merged with the previous sentence, "... people on the dock---an older lady, obviously the mother, and two young girls, years apart, that share the sort of affinity that only sisters can have." "shared" being made present tense because the story seems to be set in the present-tense.
    3rd sentence: The "and" could be removed.
    4th sentence: I would suggest removing the word "girls" from this sentence as the reader should already know you are talking about the girls, so it is implied and doesn't need reassertion. "and a splash war began", while there is no prblem with this part, I think it would be great to spice it up a bit, "prompting a splash war" or something better, you get the idea (maybe).
    6th sentence: "The older sister floated blissfully o her prize while the enraged younger sister watched from above." or "The older sister floated blissfully on her prize while the younger sister vehemently watched from above." Either is more concise. Mentioning that she climbed on the prize is unnecessary (I think) as it would be assumed that she is on it if she is floating on it. Again, simply thoughts/suggestions.
    On the paragraph as a whole: One thing that would be great is if the splash war was detailed just a bit, sort of how the second battle for the float has a little description in the second paragraph. Which leads us to...

    Second Paragraph
    9th Sentence: Typo: "longer" should be "younger". Really, I think the "younger/longer" should just be removed altogether and the word just be sister because the older sister is the one complaining, the only sister left is the younger. So "younger" would be implied and is in no dire need of reassertion.
    10th sentence: This one had me slightly confused, I think it is missing a word. So I'll type out some sentences based on what I think the sentence was supposed to say, and/or also suggestions.
    "She was apparently of the age where she was just beginning to carry a purse, and it was of utmost importance to her."
    "She was just beginning to carry a purse and it was of utmost importance to her."
    "She is of the age where she is just beginning to carry a purse, and it is of utmost importance to her."
    11th sentence: Removing "distant" wouldn't be so bad, but neither would keeping it. Removing "two" wouldn't be so bad either, as we already know the argument is only going on between two girls, there were no other girls mentioned that it could have been.

    Third Paragraph
    3rd Sentence: "being a poor family, there was always just one float." I think the sentence would work better this way.
    5th "sat and" doesn't seem necessary. The "her and her younger sister" part, I think should be "she and her younger sister", or just "she and her sister" as we already know her sister is younger than her.
    7th sentence: Simple typo: "whe" needs its n for the "when".
    8th sentence: "her mother keeping a watch over them", remove "a" from that part. The "and" directly after that part would be better not being there. I think the comma after "play along" should be removed, because it seperates the part after it, making "play along" and "teach" two actions that are part of a series, rather than two actions that go together. If you keep the comma, "teach" should be "teaching." Up to you, but one of those needs a change.
    9th sentence: This is my favorite sentence, I just find it beautiful. It bears repeating in this comment... "She sat and thought about the past, as the light faded, and the first star of the night made it's triumphant appearance." Fantastic.

    Other things I particularly liked
    -- How the float was described as sacred in the 4th sentence of the third paragraph. Calling it sacred makes it all the more meaningful, which is what it must be to the girls, it makes it all the more representative of their innocence to place so much into something so seemingly trivial. What is more worthy to do battle (even playfullly) for than something sacred to oneself?
    -- The description of the good-natured struggle between the siblings in the second paragraph was entertaining and fun. I've been there when people have fought as such over floats, and I've been part of such float battles. It's a very pleasant thought. It is unfortunate that such fun things tend to end after a certain age.
    -- I also just have to say, I tend to like your stories more than the poems. I don't know if you'll take that offensively or not, it isn't meant to be. I just get into and like your stories/prose more.

    So this vignette is rather good. And whether or not my thoughts/suggestions receive any consideration/use, they're here and I didn't check myself for spelling or grammar. Hurray Raivn.
    | Posted on 2006-06-29 00:00:00 | by Sir Jimeth | [ Reply to This ]


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