Its a kind of love
that runs cold through your vains,
a love that runs hot when we touch.
But each kiss from you,
is too cold,
And each kiss I give you,
just makes you hunrgy for more.
Its a strange and lonely love we share.
This vamparic love.
| I see where this is coming from, although I do have some suggestions. |
"is too cold" seems short, choppy, and unsettled. Prehaps, since you have determined what is cold and what is hot, this should be somewhere in the middle. And I would try to extend it just a bit.
"And each kiss I give you,
just makes you hungry for more"
This just does not seem right. I would change the idea that you soley give the kisses to an exchange and the craving is result of the exchange a bit more subtle.
Finally, I love "its a strange and lonely love we share" beautiful, simply, brilliant. But then "this vampirac love" seems to cut through the pages of some other story and blurt itself onto your poem. It has no introduction. It simply emerges from no where. I think this has potential to be a gorgeous, mind boggling poem. It just needs some fine tuning.
|| Posted on 2006-06-29 00:00:00 | by beldolore | [ Reply to This ] || i like the idea of the poem. its a good write but it does need some work. one thing i didnt like is that you didnt introduce the topic of the poem. i mean i knew what the topic was from the title of the poem, but i think you need to make it so that people that dont know the title could tell you what the work is about just by reading the beggining. other than that there was just a couple of lines that seemed forced. mainly the ones toward the end. but overall it was a good work with an original idea. you get a 3.|
|| Posted on 2006-06-29 00:00:00 | by Leon Kennedy | [ Reply to This ] |