you know... what i would suggest is trying to write the groove of this poem you have going here but without the rhyme... sometimes we are so caught up on trying to keep to a format or rhyme scheme or something that we lose the whole feel of what we are trying to achieve... so hold onto what you got here but take the same feeling and idea and try spill it it out without the rhyming... just throw up all over the page and then pick out the bits that look yummy... ok... bad images right there... sorry about that one lol but give it a shot and lemme know when you do... id be intersted in checking it out but remember... keep it real... your words your feelings your ideas... do not subscribe to clichés please... make words your slaves... make them do what YOU want them to... good luck... i believe you can do it!
I think that you have a way to go on this one. You started off with a great punch. I definitely started to feel the emotion in this one. I know that if you took it further you would definitely have a heartfelt piece here.
A child that is born unto the world....still of breath....still of life.....I was there once. I lost a child that I never got to share the joy with. I think about that child all of the time. That is a painful experience.
I look at it as though God saw too much good in that child and decided to save it from the world and keep it in his arms. That child deserved to be free of sin, and saved from the world as it has become....which is really not the world that it was meant to be.
Yeah...I'm rambling. I want to see you continue this piece. WHen you finish it definitely let me know!