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Pretzels, marmite and old stale cheese

Author: K
ASL Info:    26/Namibia/Africa
Elite Ratio:    5.64 - 183 /172 /46
Words: 258
Class/Type: Poetry /Serious
Total Views: 1254
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 1638


About a girl at work. she's engaged to be married and yet we had a fling. I really thought there could be something, but I guess not. I'm still unable to just move on though.

Any comments are always appreciated.

Pretzels, marmite and old stale cheese

She appeared in the distance
A mirage
A symbol of hope

But a mirage she was not
Skin and flesh
Her face alive, radiant

Moments in her company
My heart skipped beats
Nervous, excited
Oh boy!

Her hair a fiery red
Like the burning desire
For just one touch
Erupting in my heart

Our moment of passion
Way too long
Much too short
Left me wanting more

My heart was happy
After only pain
Joy had a name
It was Pretzel

But soon, as with most
The novelty ended
What remained
Mere embers of that which was us

She wanted me
So she said or wrote
But her actions did not feel the same
We were just an illusion and that we would remain

Her heart belongs to someone else
Or is that also just a front
For if she really loves him so
Why would she stray with me at all

Why does my heart still long for you
Your touch your lips your skin
When it knows
We are dead

Camembert was what I wanted
But I only had a whiff
It turned out too be Brie
Then only old stale cheese

Last I saw your hair was black
It embraced the grief in my heart
But the dark brought something new
I could clearly see your eyes

Heart of mine
What shall I do
Continue to want her
Or open my heart to someone new

Submitted on 2006-06-29 06:38:29     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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  Tsk tsk... you bad boy you lol.

By the way, your title has "marmite" in it... where is that stated in your poem? And camembert and brie are so alike that I fail to notice the differences personally... so, I'd pick something completely different from brie... like feta... or stilton (that stinks lol)... or something boring... like cheddar, know what I mean?

Continuing with my nitpicking, I think you have a lot of stuff here that's too... simply stated. I want to read something presented differently. In my opinion, I think you could really think about this-- distill it down to the barest essentials... what resonates the most-- the backbone of this piece. And then work from there.

You've got your emotions out... but it's like a journal entry to me. Is there a way to say this in a unique way... in a vibrant manner? For example, in your description you state:
she's engaged to be married and yet we had a fling"
-- In those few words you outlined everything with the most force. Work on that. Refine etc. Or perhaps... you could develop this into prose... or something like that. As it is, it's very skeletal.

Overall, I guess I want a bit more detail about her in the broadest sense... and also about experiences between you that lead up to this... or maybe after.

Now, I'm only being like this because you want nitpicking details... and because I think you know me well enough to know that I'm being sincere in what I'm trying to say to you... and that's to push yourself.

By the way, I like your first four lines a's a good opener.

God, I rant... and I'm supposed to be in bed. I'm gonna call it quits lol.

| Posted on 2006-06-29 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]
  This is rreally sad
My Friend it seems in this write you were folled into believing there could be a relationship by a woman who believes Love is sex
This is so wrong
I for one have never had sex and honestly dont intend to even though I am a 37 year old male
Sex is not Love in fact sex is probably the reason most relationships are destroyed
Sex is only meant to be shared between a husband and a wife when they are bringing a child in the World
God Bless

And I am Praying for Peace in your Country

Please if you get a chance Please check out some of my writes and let me know what you think
Thank You
| Posted on 2006-06-29 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]

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