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    dots Submission Name: Pretzels, marmite and old stale cheesedots

    Author: K
    ASL Info:    26/Namibia/Africa
    Elite Ratio:    5.64 - 183/172/46
    Words: 258
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 1115
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1638

       About a girl at work. she's engaged to be married and yet we had a fling. I really thought there could be something, but I guess not. I'm still unable to just move on though.

    Any comments are always appreciated.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsPretzels, marmite and old stale cheesedots

    She appeared in the distance
    A mirage
    A symbol of hope

    But a mirage she was not
    Skin and flesh
    Her face alive, radiant

    Moments in her company
    My heart skipped beats
    Nervous, excited
    Oh boy!

    Her hair a fiery red
    Like the burning desire
    For just one touch
    Erupting in my heart

    Our moment of passion
    Way too long
    Much too short
    Left me wanting more

    My heart was happy
    After only pain
    Joy had a name
    It was Pretzel

    But soon, as with most
    The novelty ended
    What remained
    Mere embers of that which was us

    She wanted me
    So she said or wrote
    But her actions did not feel the same
    We were just an illusion and that we would remain

    Her heart belongs to someone else
    Or is that also just a front
    For if she really loves him so
    Why would she stray with me at all

    Why does my heart still long for you
    Your touch your lips your skin
    When it knows
    We are dead

    Camembert was what I wanted
    But I only had a whiff
    It turned out too be Brie
    Then only old stale cheese

    Last I saw your hair was black
    It embraced the grief in my heart
    But the dark brought something new
    I could clearly see your eyes

    Heart of mine
    What shall I do
    Continue to want her
    Or open my heart to someone new

    Submitted on 2006-06-29 06:38:29     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

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    ||| Comments |||
      Tsk tsk... you bad boy you lol.

    By the way, your title has "marmite" in it... where is that stated in your poem? And camembert and brie are so alike that I fail to notice the differences personally... so, I'd pick something completely different from brie... like feta... or stilton (that sh.it stinks lol)... or something boring... like cheddar, know what I mean?

    Continuing with my nitpicking, I think you have a lot of stuff here that's too... simply stated. I want to read something presented differently. In my opinion, I think you could really think about this-- distill it down to the barest essentials... what resonates the most-- the backbone of this piece. And then work from there.

    You've got your emotions out... but it's like a journal entry to me. Is there a way to say this in a unique way... in a vibrant manner? For example, in your description you state:
    she's engaged to be married and yet we had a fling"
    -- In those few words you outlined everything with the most force. Work on that. Refine etc. Or perhaps... you could develop this into prose... or something like that. As it is, it's very skeletal.

    Overall, I guess I want a bit more detail about her in the broadest sense... and also about experiences between you that lead up to this... or maybe after.

    Now, I'm only being like this because you want nitpicking details... and because I think you know me well enough to know that I'm being sincere in what I'm trying to say to you... and that's to push yourself.

    By the way, I like your first four lines a lot...it's a good opener.

    God, I rant... and I'm supposed to be in bed. I'm gonna call it quits lol.

    | Posted on 2006-06-29 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]
      This is rreally sad
    My Friend it seems in this write you were folled into believing there could be a relationship by a woman who believes Love is sex
    This is so wrong
    I for one have never had sex and honestly dont intend to even though I am a 37 year old male
    Sex is not Love in fact sex is probably the reason most relationships are destroyed
    Sex is only meant to be shared between a husband and a wife when they are bringing a child in the World
    God Bless

    And I am Praying for Peace in your Country

    Please if you get a chance Please check out some of my writes and let me know what you think
    Thank You
    | Posted on 2006-06-29 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]

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