This had such intense feeling to it, and I have to say that it was really raw with energy. I say adding "ma" to it, really made it your own, and the reader got more of you from it. This was a really in depth poem, which gave you a wide view of how much love and passion can be in love making, but also the raw lust that is inevitable in that. Great job to you. Peace and love, Aya*
Well...you were very deep with giving a vision. I think that you really put heart into this piece. You caught that zone and went with it.
I understand the terminology of "ma". I think that when you add your own personal language to a piece it tends to make it more of an original. I like it when one can write and make it read as though they were talking. That really shows that you can become one with your poetry.
This was rather explicit, yet at the same time held an innocence. I think that you gave the reader just enough to meet your zone....but left a lot for the person's mind to get into their own.