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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Well: Final Partdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Faith_Disease
    ASL Info:    17/M
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 278/141/29
    Words: 517
    Class/Type: Story/Dark
    Total Views: 906
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2901



    Description:
       Ok, there I finally posted the third and final part of my story. Hope you guys like it. Oh and if you have any suggestions, tell me so next time, i can write better.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Well: Final Partdots
    -------------------------------------------


    The killer dropped the head in a fit of terror and rage and immediately looked up.
    “Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!” Ally quickly backed away from the tree, turned around... and tripped over a twisted tree root sticking out of the ground. She hit the dirt full force, but that didn’t stop her. She immediately got up to her feet and then felt a powerful kick in the ribs.
    Ally screamed in pain while rolling over in the dirt, desperate to escape. She could barely breathe, almost as if the kick had sucked the energy right out of her. She looked up just as the killer pulled her up by the hair and held a blood-stained knife to her throat.
    “Who the fuck are you?” He commanded with a menacing tone
    “I...watching..well..” Ally was too make any words come out.
    “I don’t give a shit. You’re gonna wish you never came out here.” He threatened.
    Ally began to panic as the killer began to drag her to the well. She quickly looked around and saw a big tree branch. She picked it up and, with all her might, swung it at the killer. She heard a satisfying “oof” as he face-planted into the dirt. She got up as quickly as she could and began to run away. But the killer recovered much more quickly than she’d expected. She felt a hand yank on her foot as she fell head first on the ground.
    “Don’t think you’re escaping you bitch!” The killer barked.
    In a second he was on top of her with his hands wrapped around her neck, eyes full of fury and hate. He slowly began to squeeze, as if enjoying her suffering.
    Ally squirmed and kicked in blind panic, anything for the killer to loosen his grip. But the killer would not let go and instead tightened his grip as Ally began to suffocate. She punched the air, the ground, tried biting at the man’s hands but with no success. She felt around in the dirt for something, anything that might save her. Suddenly her hands felt a sharp metal object.. the killer’s knife! Without any hesitation, she picked it up and jabbed the knife right into the killer’s stomach. He screamed in pain and finally let go of her neck. She pulled the knife out of killer’s stomach and slashed at his throat. he tumbled down to the dirt, blood spurting everywhere like a garden hose.
    Ally got up to her feet, disgusted with the bloody mess and turned to the killer’s body.
    “You sick fuck!”
    She shivered from cold relief and stumbled back to the well. The stench reached her first.
    “Shit! What the hell is that?” She remembered the severed head and the bag.
    “Fuck that! I’m not going anywhere near there.” She turned around and walked in the opposite direction of the well and stumbled over something. Ally looked down and there was the head staring her in the face.
    “Holy fucking shit! Edd!”
    A piercing shriek of terror cut through the forest and wouldn’t stop...




    Submitted on 2006-06-29 15:33:36     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      the storyline was good, but the descriptions and suspense were lacking something...i like the ending, the idea that the well heard her troubles and wishes and this time at least, made her "wish" come true whether or not she realized she wished it at all...but i think the story could be really amazing if you would use some more suspense and imagery, keep them holding on, give the killer a personality of sorts...i'll keep reading!

    ~chaos~
    | Posted on 2006-07-30 00:00:00 | by whispered_chaos | [ Reply to This ]
      Okay, just a few mistakes and suggestions here.

    .......................................................................
    "Ally was too make any words come out."
                                       *
    <I think you meant to add scared or a better word would be petrified. It would add that more creepy feeling to the story.>

    " he tumbled down to the dirt, blood spurting everywhere like a garden hose."
         id.                         *
    <First off I want to say that your comparing to the blood spurting out like a water hose. That is an awesome morbid description that I'm not going to forget anytime soon. But, the sentence that I highlighted above started out with no capital letter. Not a big problem, but one that can be easily fixed with the backspace and the shift button.>
    ........................................................................

    Now, there are simply a few suggestions that I have and most of them are grammar mistakes, but not that big of a deal. First I'll show you an example.

    "Who the [censored] are you?" He commanded with a menacing tone

    It's a very small mistake that you did several times. Whenever you put words that someone says in quotes, the word after it, unless it's a name, it's first letter should be capitalized. I know it's very minor and it seems picky, but hey, stuff like that pops out at me alot. lol, anyway, it should be written like this...

    "Who the [censored] are you?" he said with a menacing tone.

    So just go over your story and correct those mistakes.



    As for my enjoyment of the poem. I loved it, especially the ending, because it even ended with suspense. It was like one of those thriller flicks where at the end of the movie they show like the monster or whatever coming back to life, and then it flashes to the credits :) It reminded me of that, and that's what I liked the most about this.
    At first when I saw the name Edd, I thought the killer was Edd. That would be really freaky if it was, cuz she would have killed someone she cared about. lol, but I liked it the way it was. Peace!

    *tox*

    | Posted on 2006-07-01 00:00:00 | by Toxic_Rayne | [ Reply to This ]
      wow....that makes me want to kill sum1, I dunno...I was expecting her 2 die...that's kinda disappointing lol, the write itself was ok, I liked the 1st one best of the three, good explaining....*fumbles for any real comment* yeah I 'unno, I didn't like this write that much, where's the drama? where's the triple twists that make a short story worth it? lol, sorry, I feel kinda f.ucked up ryt now....**fades off with that said**
    much love,
    ~{jess}~
    | Posted on 2006-06-29 00:00:00 | by silent_death12 | [ Reply to This ]


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