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The Ultimate Price


Author: junemarie
ASL Info:    62,F, Port Richey, Fl.
Elite Ratio:    3.19 - 66 /70 /27
Words: 118
Class/Type: Poetry /Betrayal
Total Views: 1179
Average Vote:    4.0000
Bytes: 832



Description:


The flip-side of love
This has been reworked a bit.


The Ultimate Price



You've nothing for a heart
But stone
And you deserve to
be alone.

You think you're perfect
And oh so nice
But everyone knows you're
Made of ice.

You're really dead, you're
Not for real
Yet hearts you crush
With claws of steel.

One day you'll have
To pay the cost
For all you stole
From those that lost.

And when your body's as
Dead as your heart
And from this world you
Do depart.

Don't look to God to
Call for you
'Cause Satan is going
To carry you.

To the bottomless pit
Of Hell below
Where you'll finally reap
Just what you sow.




Submitted on 2006-06-30 05:16:19     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  this poem is great! it flowed well, i didn't spot any typo's, just an over-all wonderful piece of work.

i makes me think of many people in my life that deserve all they've burdened me with. it's time they pay the price.

keep writing....

</3 lisa
| Posted on 2006-08-02 00:00:00 | by 777sacrites777 | [ Reply to This ]
  Hey Junemarie,

I'm just checking out your work and i really wanted to know what this title was all about. This is pretty interesting concept because betrayal is in every corner of our lives...It's hard to just look away for a second or relax because people can be so selfish at times...

I think what made this piece kinda strong was your rhythm. I read your work very easily almost melodic. I also think that you have to give this piece a bit more of surprises or some other kind of narrative that will make the ending so shocking that it will make us remember this piece for a really long time.

Other than that, this was worth reading...i really like your thoughts...I do hope i have the time to read more from you...
Hope we meet again. Until next time...
Take care...
~Irina
| Posted on 2006-07-25 00:00:00 | by charmedidentity | [ Reply to This ]
  You're really dead, you're
Not for real
Yet peoples hearts from
Them you steal.
tihs line seems to force the rhyme a little, maybe if you say
you take all heart
while your is steel.
nice is used 2x... break it up a bit so it won't make it about the rhyme, instead about the line
other than that this is a nice venting peice... im sure all girls say this to the man that broke their hearts... but then again, we girls break heart too right?
| Posted on 2006-07-06 00:00:00 | by mimi | [ Reply to This ]
  Well, I wouldn't say that this is a great poem, but it is good. I love the message sent here, because some people are really too overly cocky, and they deserve to be on the receiving end of what they think that they can do to people, and the message was really good, and the rhyme was good too, because it helped it flow better. I think what you can do here, is expand it a bit more, and use more image conveying words, like abstract wprds, because the it's more of an image to your subconcious mind, and it touches people more, because this seemed sort of impersonal to the reader, even though it's personal to you. Anyways, this is a good write, and you don't have to take my advice, it's just a suggestion. Thanks for the read.
Peace,love,light,
Aya*
| Posted on 2006-06-30 00:00:00 | by EmpathicAya | [ Reply to This ]
  This is another good write and had a good flow.I noticed that you changed the line, Yet peoples hearts from
Them you steal. to, Yet hearts you crush
With claws of steel.
I think the new line is a big improvment as I really like that part of the poem.I also liked, Don't look to God to
Call for you
'Cause Satan is going
To carry you.
The whole poem is a good write but these were the two parts I liked the most,I really liked the wording.take care,Jamie x
| Posted on 2006-07-25 00:00:00 | by korn9426 | [ Reply to This ]
  I like this one
In this write you are showing that Life has its conditions
I do believe in Karma and I believe if you treat someone poorly it will come back to you ten fold
Life is to short to treat others bad
I learned this the hard way
I went thru a life of hell for 36 years and finally in the last year I have finally learned how to live in Peace
Its all about Positive Energy and reaching out to your fellow man in need
Excellent Job!!!
God Bless
Ron

Please if you get a chance Please take a look at some of my writes and let me know what you think
Thank You
Ron
| Posted on 2006-06-30 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
  Very good. Nice rhyming and flow. I agree with Aya, you could expand on this and give it more life with a touch of imagery. This was a what goes around comes around poem, and well said. I liked the way you ended it as well. Overall, very good June Marie.

Catrina
| Posted on 2006-07-01 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]
  I love the rythmic flow it had. The ryhming pattern was nicely done as well. What got me most was the blow of the last stanza

To the bottomless pit
Of Hell below
Where you'll finally reap
Just what you sow.

That was greatly written. It had an impact on me I must say. The feeling of power and confidence behind what your "telling" this person in the poem gave me the shivers.

The only thing I would possibly improve on in this is the simpilicity. Maybe a different variety of word choices could be added/put into it, which may be hard if you continue to use the same rhyming scheme. But who knows, its still a great write.

Jan : )
| Posted on 2006-07-01 00:00:00 | by Jan | [ Reply to This ]
  I really liked this, it was so powerful and great to read, it flowed really well. I once wrote a poem just like this for one of my ex's but unfortunately i will not post it i just feel that it is way to personal to post here.

anyway back to your poem, I think everyone knows or knew a person just like the one you describe, unfortunately for us there are alot more of them than there should be.

definately one for my faves
| Posted on 2006-07-26 00:00:00 | by babytinkerbelle | [ Reply to This ]


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