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    dots Submission Name: Waiting For The Raindots

    Author: lmz
    ASL Info:    40/female/USA
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 3433/1529/84
    Words: 82
    Class/Type: Poetry/Nature
    Total Views: 1831
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 605


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsWaiting For The Raindots

    A day hot enough to melt chocolate into cocoa,
    summer brilliance shines.
    Innocent blue sky passes by
    carrying marshmallows, good enough to eat.
    Yet, brisk wind pushes them away
    as if it lacks a sweet tooth.
    Or perhaps, marshmallow doesn't compliment
    what the breeze brings today,
    less enjoyable bland gray
    like unflavored oatmeal, lumpy in the sky,
    depressing to the palate.
    I sit and watch as this delightful steaming
    treat turns cool, puffy white sweetness
    waiting for the rain.

    Submitted on 2006-06-30 07:44:18     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      sometimes we have an idealistic view of things, of love..

    and our sky is brilliant blue with fluffy white clouds...and just as sudden the bubble is burst...the ideal broken...we grow up into the gray and wait for the bad stuff to happen...

    loss of innocent wonder...so sad...

    so beautifully depicted in this poem with the metaphors working so well..
    | Posted on 2011-03-18 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey Lorna,
    This was a nice one....
    a sugestion - perhaps you could consider the title 'Hungering For Summer, Waiting For Rain' instead of just 'Waiting For Rain' as it will add and interesting pun to your poem ( no one could not feel a bit hungry reading this! ) and add a twist to the title, so that people may be curious to know what you mean by that title....
    I think it will make it much nicer....cool write!
    Keep in touch n good day! : )
    | Posted on 2007-02-02 00:00:00 | by mdsouza | [ Reply to This ]
      I like the way you relate that seen to things experienced (clouds to marshmallows and oatmeal). It gives the poem a certain 'texture' that makes it a joy to read. Good work.

    | Posted on 2006-09-12 00:00:00 | by Marcusj | [ Reply to This ]
      Beautiful Lorna
    You know thru reading my writes how much I love the rain
    The rain to me is the biggest ingrediant to life
    As Usual this write is perfect
    Never once have I found anything wrong with your writes
    You truly are a genious when it comes to words
    God Bless
    Your Biggest Fan

    Please keep in touch!!!!
    | Posted on 2006-07-10 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      this is a well-done piece. it draws the reader into watching the sky with the narrator and the last line is terrific. nice wrte!


    | Posted on 2006-07-03 00:00:00 | by joeyalphabet | [ Reply to This ]
      I love the imagery; it's fresh, so I commend you on that. It's nice when someone moves beyond the clichéd realm that many writers in which many of the poets on this site dwell.

    "A day hot enough to melt chocolate into cocoa,/ summer brilliance shines." I'm not too sure about that opening because there's a big jump there. I don't think those clauses are related closely enough to conjunct. You could say something like "On a day hot enough to melt chocolate into cocoa" or something. As usual, I'm too tired and lazy to attempt scansion, so you may be going for a specific meter, and my suggestions might ruin that. As always, feel free to ignore me.

    Innocent blue sky passes by
    carrying marshmallows, good enough to eat.
    Yet, brisk wind pushes them away
    as if it lacks a sweet tooth.
    Or perhaps, marshmallow doesn't compliment
    like unflavored oatmeal, lumpy in the sky,
    depressing to the palate.

    You might make the sky into something sweet (like blue cotton candy or candy coated Easter eggs) to tie in with the theme. I'm not sure that you need to say "passes by" when passes works equally well. I'd put a comma after away, and I think you could omit the "or." I also think you could say something like "what the breeze brings today,
    bland gray oatmeal, lumpy in the sky." I'm not sure you need to say the oatmeal is unflavored because you didn't say otherwise. (If it were flavored with maple syrup or something, I assume you'd say so).

    I sit and watch as this delightful steaming
    treat turns cool, puffy white sweetness
    waiting for the rain.

    I'm not sure you need the ellipses, but that's your call. Since ellipses are abused as much as heroin, I tend to think they're better left unused, even if they make sense.

    Thanks for sharing this gem,
    | Posted on 2006-07-21 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]
      It seems that I keep going back to the poorer, lonelier, dirtier people of the world and you continue to reach for the sky.

    I really enjoy your sky poems the most and this is no exception. The analogies to foods is a clever new touch. I also really like the last line. It some how makes all the musings real.

    | Posted on 2006-08-17 00:00:00 | by Lost Sheep | [ Reply to This ]
      I like this, it's yummy! "Cocoa," "marshmallows," and "oatmeal," sounds like breakfast, so why not go with that and say morning as opposed to "day". Let's "turn" "chocolate into cocoa" and not "melt" it "into". Melting into gives a vision of chocolate dripping into a cup of cocoa. Turning it into cocoa is the image I think you want.

    "A morning that could turn chocolate into cocoa"

    The "innocent blue sky passes by" to me is impossible. The clouds pass by while the sky remains stationary.

    "Against blue sky innocent marshmallows float by' / looking good enough to eat."

    Something like that.

    In L7 I think it should be marshmallow(s) again. L8 may want commas; "less enjoyable, bland, gray". L12 Perhaps drop "delightful." If you speak of the "oatmeal" your previous description doesn't warrant "delightful."

    This is a scrumptious bit of poetry, easy on the eyes and tongue. Sweet images pushed aside by an uncaring Mother Nature who serves up "lumpy" "oatmeal." Call it rain, call it what you will, she'd probably say,"It's good for you." Yeah, been there, done that vacation.

    I think your comparisons are brilliant, original, and hit the spot with clarity. It's a lovely image, so sweet we almost don't mind the impending rain.

    Just another terrific poem. You are a most creative writer. I love your stuff!

    | Posted on 2006-07-06 00:00:00 | by phil askew | [ Reply to This ]
      Foxy Lady...........you always impress me with your elegance, style and powers of description. You create a real image with this and it is very very good.

    | Posted on 2006-06-30 00:00:00 | by Frank Maguire | [ Reply to This ]
      ha this is awesome!
    im sitting here in what my computer thinks is 451F weather (oh wait... its changed its mind now and its only 93 though you wouldnt think theres much difference there...)

    i love the way you use hot chocolate makings to describe the heat of the weather... i dunno... its really cool... the mood of the sky is hot chocolate melting...
    im so hot i cant be bothered eating and yet i know i should... a lil bit of the frost thats going on in my home land wouldnt go too far astray right now but lets not be thinking that... not yet... lol

    oatmeal... lumpy frumpy and gross...
    i used to have to make it when i worked in a resthome... no one else cared what it turned out like but i was like dude... if these old people made it themselves it would be brilliant so lets try give them a lil brilliance to start off the day... im not sure i ever achieved brilliance but i did get me a few smiles for my lumpy frumpy attempts lol.

    lumpy frumpy like a moody sky maybe wearing a towel round the house waiting for the bathroom to get free...

    my mind isnt doing so good on this comment lol

    anyways... your imagery is really different... original to the point of asking from what you drew your inspiration... how did the items in this piece end up relating to the sky waiting for rain...?

    i aint got no complaints here...
    | Posted on 2006-06-30 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey Lorna,

    I got to be honest with you here...You really made me hungry...This was a total play upon my appetite...Come on, Chocolate and Marshmallows...Anyone would go nuts just thinking about it...Great way of thinking!!!

    I guess oatmeal is not everyone's favorite meal compared to the chocolates and marshmallow...I enjoyed your comparison with the weather and the different foods...I guess if we were to put the weather in terms of food, this would definitively be a starting point.

    I don't know how i really feel about this piece if you take away my appetite...I don't really know what i would do about the weather if it was turned into something else... I don't know why i'm getting this feeling but although this was a great write, i feel there is something missing in this piece...

    Still, don't worry too much about me, i still think this piece was worth the read....
    Hope to see you soon again.
    Do take care...

    | Posted on 2006-06-30 00:00:00 | by charmedidentity | [ Reply to This ]
      Talking about oatmeal... I have not had any for the last three months... *sad face* I like the poem it is great... makes me think... are some good things too good and with the wrong timing?... I have asked myself this question many times about how good things can be ruined by factors that are out of our reach or our taste and then we realize that the thing that we let go is what we wanted and needed all along and we let go because we were not ready to see... wait for the rain because if you miss that sunny radiant day you never know when you will get it back or when it will turn around into something that is not what you thought it would be... because everything has their way of going from good to bad and from bad to worse... cotton candy... so sweet it... oatmeal... so plain... I like this write Lorna long time since I heard from you.

    Jose J. Ortiz aka Josyman
    | Posted on 2006-06-30 00:00:00 | by josymanthegreat | [ Reply to This ]
      Glad to see you post - I really enjoyed the way you presented this one and how you used the delicious chocolate and marshmallow - nice picture and stimulating to the senses too.

    I love all seasons especially summer and this was like a perfect day and a perfect piece accompanying "IT"!


    love,peace,joy&smiles to share
    | Posted on 2006-06-30 00:00:00 | by Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      Hi Lorna, This piece is full of creative images. I paticularly liked the Marshmellows (see Dancing with the Dolphins) Creative minds think alike!:):)

    You take the smallest bits of experience and elevate them to something beautiful and haunting!

    Love your graphics it fits so well !

    Another lovely write!

    Steve :):):):)
    | Posted on 2006-07-24 00:00:00 | by SHRINKSDR | [ Reply to This ]
      Taking it very directly at this moment, I AM waiting for the rain. I liked the importance of each line, which helped to make this such a highly symbolic write. Each of the lines had a lot of depth in them, and you really managed this one well. Some parts of this were a little unclear to me, that could be because I am feeling really hot, or maybe you wanted it to be that way to test our imaginations. Anyhow, you handled this well, and I really enjoyed reading it

    | Posted on 2006-07-01 00:00:00 | by abuzzbuzz92 | [ Reply to This ]
      Geez woman...it's about time! I know, I'm one to talk. Anyhow this was very enjoyable and had a sort of innocence to it. I loved the similes used in here. Food is always fun to use and you did a great job with it in this piece. Cocoa and marshmallows...mmmmmmmmm...those are 2 of my favorite things! I hate those beautiful summer days when you're just sitting back and taking it all in, when all of a sudden the skies begin to change and then get ugly and puts a damper on that day. Oatmeal...I hate oatmeal and I really liked how you put that in there. It shows just how much a beautiful day can be ruined. Great job Lorna!

    | Posted on 2006-06-30 00:00:00 | by dreamweaver | [ Reply to This ]
      Very good work Lorna! I was drawn by your great use of imagery. Your chose of wording was right on. I could see this and relate. For just today the skies here did the same thing, and still no rain as of yet. This was very vivid in details and instilled a calm and easy feeling in my soul. You did good Lorna!

    | Posted on 2006-07-01 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey Lorna,

    I know a suprise I haven't commented anything on this site in a very long time. But i always find myself coming back to your writings and this one is an example why. You are an amazing writer. and i abs. loved this. I loved how you used food and compared it to something that i would never think about doing. THis was a fun and enjoyable write.

    I got a real image while reading this one.

    | Posted on 2006-08-03 00:00:00 | by MiKkI25 | [ Reply to This ]

    I like the sense of expectancy that comes along with this poem. The waiting for the rain. The reason it appeals to me, though, doesn't tie into the rest of the conceit of the poem. (Conceit isn't a bad word there, but I assume you know that.) Not your fault... mine.
    I like the way the second to last line dissolves. Nice use of word and phrase and image on the page, of lineation.
    It really is the last line that makes the poem... like the volte in a sonnet.
    | Posted on 2006-07-05 00:00:00 | by DavidHirt | [ Reply to This ]
      I always love a poem that I can sink my teeth into..LOL
    Very nicely written Lorna. I love the rain but sometimes it can be depressing.

    I liked how you made it yummy to read..LOL HEE HEE HEE

    Sometimes the clouds will pull in and sit, teasing us with little droplets and then they float away leaving us wanting for that sweet rain.
    I never thought of rain in the the hot cocoa aspect before but I must sya it does sound apitzing to the eyes as well as the taste buds.

    Take care and talk to you later

    Respect and Admiration


    | Posted on 2006-07-05 00:00:00 | by Wisdom Seeker | [ Reply to This ]

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