A Moment In Time by coyote

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Submission Name: A Moment In Time dots

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Author:	coyote
ASL Info:	57/Male/Nevada
Elite Ratio:	4.57 - 71/56/28
Words:	54

Class/Type:	Prose/Dark
Total Views:	122
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	376

Description:
A little color...a little drama...a little life

A Moment In Time dots

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Switch on--a low whine.
Eerie...black and white,
and many shades of green.
There, green men in black
pants and shirts, and green
hats...smiling black smiles.
Green packs on dark backs,
walking on white trails
in green brush.
No friend of mine over there.
No friend of mine on that
end of the scope.

Submitted on 2006-06-30 19:39:33 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  Short but sweet. I think this is quite an original write, of course I've read poem with colours but none used quite like this.
I have one suggestion - in the 12 lines you used green 5 times, maybe think of other colours or other ways to say green (emerald, teal, olive, lime, jade etc) as Graeme said it will make it less repetetive.
I liked how at the end you made it more personal with reference to friends, it made a good ending for me.
Thanks for sharing.
| Posted on 2006-07-06 00:00:00 | by SilverScent | [ Reply to This ]
  Ooh, nicely done. I can't decide if this is someone in a war using a night vision scope (or night vision goggles and a regular scope) or if he's watching night vision of a televised war and takes on the persona of one of the soldiers in his mind (if that makes any sense). It works well both ways though, and that's the strength of this piece. People at home are indoctrinated against "the enemy" too. I do agree that you use green too often, but maybe you could name the shades of green instead. Lime (or avocado or whatever shade) rings more vividly in my head than green anyway. I also think you could omit the last ellipsis. I think the last lines made this because it reinforces that us/them dichotomy.

I hope all is well,
Amy
| Posted on 2006-07-02 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]
  Nice, quite original, with a good mixture of fantasy and real, to kepp the interest.

I'd consider using "gray" instead of one or two of the "greens" just to cut the repetition a bit.

Well done, it's nice to see something different

be happy

Graeme
| Posted on 2006-06-30 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]

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