Description: I'm not really happy with the ending...
maybe i should just drop it.
suggestions are more then welcome
His Shirt Never Came Off -------------------------------------------
The little lies linger
Like a guilty heartbeat
my breathing gets thicker
my kisses filled with sin
burn your white skin
do they turn...
turn you over
whatever
makes you feel better
his shirt never came off
stuffed in my mouth
his long hair
was the hit I was looking for
you only see what you want to
can you taste...
taste his salt
easy
who ever thought it was this simple
I never even brushed my hair
Stinging scratches etched
A path of deceit
Run your sweaty hands
Along the same territory
Will you cum...
Come to your senses
Whatever makes you feel better
His shirt never came off
WOW!!! This was HOT!!!! It reminds me of a new poem I just posted. Come read it . You wont be disapointed. Anyway now I need to go take a cold shower. LOL just kidding but it was a great poem!!! Kelley Frost
Actually I like the ending how its is, the only line that didnt strike me well was
"A path of deceit"
Because it seemed that you wanted to have contact in the poem but regretted it later after he seemed to show arrogance and disrespect for not taking his shirt off. maybe lust rather than deceit, or something along those lines.
Also the "will you cum" was blunt but from my experience, things like that are said during sex so whatever. I personally liked it. I also share the feeling of knowing what its like to feel slightly used and unappreciated. And thats what I got from this poem. If it makes sense (which it does) and if i can relate, im sure others can to. I think you will get good comments for this piece.
In my opinion you did a wonderful job keeping the subject of your poem kind of discreet, indirect. I'll admit, I was drawn to this poem by its title. :) And I understand why it's named that. I believe that in this situation, women can judge the true intentions of man by how much clothing he takes off. haha...seriously.
I like what you did with the repetition of a few words (turn, taste, come). It's an effect I don't see or hear in poetry too often.
Innuendo, my favorite form of comedy. Albeit atrifle trgic here, I do like the way you masked your subject matter, and I agree, the "cum" was a little too blunt for the sublety of the rest of the poem.
I agree with you re the ending, the repeat of the opening stanza is a bit of a cop out, although perhaps changing the first stanza would leave the ending standing alone, as they are excellent lines.
Overall, vey well done indeed, sexual and blunt with a lot of class.
Interesting. Even though I did not understand the part about his shirt not coming off and stanza 2, I enjoyed this. I liked the ending personally. It seems as if you admire this person, but the contact between you two is one sided as far as sexual tension goes. Nicely worded and flowed pretty well. Nice to see you back to posting. Good work.
Submission Name: His Shirt Never Came Off
