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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Merry-go-Rounddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: _proper_noun_
    ASL Info:    20/m/OK
    Elite Ratio:    5.36 - 106/88/24
    Words: 115
    Class/Type: Lyrics/Passion
    Total Views: 1110
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 708



    Description:
       More like the work-in-progress.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMerry-go-Rounddots
    -------------------------------------------


    When I can feel that you're there,
    But I can't see you anywhere,
    That's when I miss you the most.

    Everybody sounds like you do.
    It's freakin me out, please take me out
    Of this Merry-go-Round.
    I just need to see you.

    [inter-
    -lude]

    There's a smell that takes me to nights,
    The ones we spent whetting our knives.
    We broke our flesh to show love.

    Somebody smells just like you do.
    It's freakin me out, please get me out
    Of this Merry-go-Round.
    All that I need is you.

    This is freakin me out, please take me out of this.




    Submitted on 2006-07-01 03:57:09     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      Hi there, jus a few suggestion to punctuation and line breaks to show further emphasis. :))

    When I can see that you're there,
    But I can't feel you anywhere -
    That's when I miss you the most.

    Everybody sounds like you do:
    It's freakin me out,
    please take me out
    Of this Merry-go-Round.

    I just need to see you.

    [inter-
    -lude]

    There's a smell that takes me to nights --
    The ones we spent whetting our knives;
    We broke our flesh to show love.

    Somebody smells just like you do.
    It's freakin me out,
    please get me out
    Of this Merry-go-Round.
    All that I need is you.

    This is freakin me out, please take me out of this.

    p/s i like the first stanza the most.

    Rachel

    | Posted on 2006-07-01 00:00:00 | by wilted_ | [ Reply to This ]
      I love the first stanza. I notice in your description this is a work in progress...i hope you dont change or alter the first stanza at all. I would totally keep that just they way it is.

    ok, now here's what confuses me....

    the first stanza is saying, i can see that you're there.....
    then you go on, right after the first stanza stating, I just need to see you.

    Do you see where I'm going with this? they contradict eachother. maybe if you changed the I just need to see you, to I just need to feel you, because then it ties into the opening stanza.

    anyway, I'd like to see this again when you've finished it. let me know when you do
    | Posted on 2006-07-02 00:00:00 | by MmR | [ Reply to This ]


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