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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Nostril Battledots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Rhaine
    ASL Info:    25/Yes/An Alley
    Elite Ratio:    3.87 - 660/744/196
    Words: 88
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 930
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 596



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsNostril Battledots
    -------------------------------------------


    is it any wonder
    that she is alive?
    the poet said to thee
    the river froze shut
    all the memories
    tryingt o bridge the gap
    between my eyes
    my sweet-boy
    the hurt
    white burnt powder
    stashed away in
    the rubber chicken
    giving head to my doorknob
    it feels like i've got fleas
    on my legs
    cause i haven't shaved
    in days
    sneezing out one
    while the other is kinda busy
    got to blow it out
    every once in a while
    you know,
    it gets caked in there




    Submitted on 2006-07-01 17:27:47     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I like this. It has a lot of vivid, surreal images in it. It starts off sounding like it's going to be something totally different and turns that on its head. I couldn't decide if the "typo" in "tryingt o bridge the gap" was intentional or not. Thanks for writing something interesting. We don't get a lot of that around here.

    Is the narrator a famous poet who used cocaine? (Any mention of nose and white powder together make me think of coke, sorry). I say that because the opening lines are really enigmatic. It makes you ask who the poet is, and who she is. I'm not saying you need to answer that, but it makes me think this is more complex than a mere description of booger backup.


    Since you want "nitpiking details," the use of archaic forms like "thee" has always annoyed me slightly. They sound to consciously poetic: using "thee" results in a strangely mixed diction when you use "cause" and "kinda." (Actually thou is the archaic formal form, but thee sounds a lot more formal than you). I'd pick formal or informal and stick with it.


    I hope all is well,
    Amy
    | Posted on 2006-07-02 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]
      Very cool, cool indeed. This has some great bits in it, and is almost the perfect poem!

    Be proud, this is great!

    be happy

    Graeme
    | Posted on 2006-07-01 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]


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