[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: ginger bread housedots

    Author: Rhaine
    ASL Info:    25/Yes/An Alley
    Elite Ratio:    3.87 - 660/744/196
    Words: 88
    Class/Type: Poetry/Dark
    Total Views: 751
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 483


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsginger bread housedots

    my mom tried to song me a lullaby
    but all she could do was cry
    while the blood gushed out her mouth
    when she tried to sing
    she knew that the end was near
    i walked by and spilt his beer
    threw the remote at the dog
    but instead it hit my mom
    out it came as a flood
    yes i'm talking about the bood
    got it on the carpet
    got it on my face
    damn i just need to get away from this

    Submitted on 2006-07-01 17:32:13     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      I'm a bit ambivalent about this piece. I like that you tackled a serious subject, but I'm unsure that I think the rhyme works well with that. It's kind of like a nursery rhyme. Capitalizing place makes me read it as shouted louder than the rest of the sentence. I guess it makes sense, but I'm not sure if someone would actually say it that way. I'm also unsure of using blood twice in this. You have a typo in the first line; I think you meant sing, but that's not a big deal. Gingerbread is also one word.

    I hope this isn't based on life,
    | Posted on 2006-07-02 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]
      This is pretty good
    I liked how you let us into a typical day in your life
    It seems like you feel you are caught in the middle
    I have some bad memories of my Dad and Mom as well but I wouldnt give them up for anything
    Now that I am older I thank them for setting boundaries to let me know Thety care and also to give me room to grow
    Stay Strong
    There is a light at the end of the tunnel
    I know this as a fact because I have finally found it
    Please remain Positive
    God Bless

    Its been a while since Ive heard from you Please keep in touch!!!
    | Posted on 2006-07-01 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      You might want to try splitting this piece into two stanzas, for clarity. I think the second stanza should start with the line "i walked by and spilt his beer"
    | Posted on 2006-07-01 00:00:00 | by Volga | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    the living moment written by ShyOne
    Primitive Lapse written by Crestfallenman
    Whiteout written by layDsayD
    I will call out your name written by RisingSon
    Devils in the Details written by endlessgame23
    Push written by JanePlane
    Still Fighting See? written by ForgottenGraves
    Physician, Heal Thyself written by WriteSomething
    AI written by poetotoe
    Wavelength written by saartha
    Alone in the Crowd written by SavedDragon
    descent written by TheBadSadMan
    Once Again written by krs3332003
    Happy Saint Patrick's Day written by poetotoe
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Sleep Talk written by Queen_of_spades
    The Severed Head written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Linger written by saartha
    What happens written by Wolfwatching
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (6) written by endlessgame23
    102.3 written by rev.jpfadeproof
    written by Daniel Barlow
    True Death written by layDsayD
    World I No Longer Want written by ForgottenGraves
    Bond written by saartha
    Fasade written by jackz
    Blood Stains Are The Worst written by ForgottenGraves
    Your Lover written by Cordell
    Red Barn written by rev.jpfadeproof
    written by Daniel Barlow




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]