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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: ginger bread housedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Rhaine
    ASL Info:    25/Yes/An Alley
    Elite Ratio:    3.87 - 660/744/196
    Words: 88
    Class/Type: Poetry/Dark
    Total Views: 718
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 483



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsginger bread housedots
    -------------------------------------------


    my mom tried to song me a lullaby
    but all she could do was cry
    while the blood gushed out her mouth
    when she tried to sing
    she knew that the end was near
    i walked by and spilt his beer
    threw the remote at the dog
    but instead it hit my mom
    out it came as a flood
    yes i'm talking about the bood
    got it on the carpet
    got it on my face
    damn i just need to get away from this
    PLACE!




    Submitted on 2006-07-01 17:32:13     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I'm a bit ambivalent about this piece. I like that you tackled a serious subject, but I'm unsure that I think the rhyme works well with that. It's kind of like a nursery rhyme. Capitalizing place makes me read it as shouted louder than the rest of the sentence. I guess it makes sense, but I'm not sure if someone would actually say it that way. I'm also unsure of using blood twice in this. You have a typo in the first line; I think you meant sing, but that's not a big deal. Gingerbread is also one word.

    I hope this isn't based on life,
    Amy
    | Posted on 2006-07-02 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]
      This is pretty good
    I liked how you let us into a typical day in your life
    It seems like you feel you are caught in the middle
    I have some bad memories of my Dad and Mom as well but I wouldnt give them up for anything
    Now that I am older I thank them for setting boundaries to let me know Thety care and also to give me room to grow
    Stay Strong
    There is a light at the end of the tunnel
    I know this as a fact because I have finally found it
    Please remain Positive
    God Bless
    Ron

    Its been a while since Ive heard from you Please keep in touch!!!
    Ron
    | Posted on 2006-07-01 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      You might want to try splitting this piece into two stanzas, for clarity. I think the second stanza should start with the line "i walked by and spilt his beer"
    | Posted on 2006-07-01 00:00:00 | by Volga | [ Reply to This ]


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