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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Destinydots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: sunset
    ASL Info:    21/F/Melb, Australia
    Elite Ratio:    4.45 - 76/46/32
    Words: 129
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 977
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 813



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDestinydots
    -------------------------------------------


    She does not look up at him
    Or ask him to say a word
    This silence is their destiny
    He will not wait for her
    Though her heart is pounding
    Tears threaten her eyes
    She does not mouth the words
    They both long to hear
    Shaking his head he turns
    Slowly he walks away
    He lingers just long enough
    To give her one last chance
    But the tears have fallen
    She is already mourning him
    She lets all the dreams and make believe
    Slowly leave her soul
    There is no more winter warmth
    Or gentle loving whispers
    His hand no longer waits for hers
    She turns to walk alone
    From the shadows he emerges
    To watch the one who broke him
    Walk away in silence
    Their destiny…




    Submitted on 2006-07-02 00:26:12     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I like how this really captures the feeling of two people breaking up. It kind of runs on a little bit. I mean, maybe you could break it into stanzas or something. Just a suggestion. But other than that, I really enjoyed it. Like I said before, I like how it really captures the feeling and makes you feel what they are. It's unique, I like that. Everyone is entitled to their own style. I think you've found yours. Keep up the good work!
    | Posted on 2006-08-06 00:00:00 | by mysterious one | [ Reply to This ]
      This is pretty good. It's a pretty traditional love poem though; I don't know if that's good or bad. It's strange that most love poems are the negative sort (in that the couple doesn't live happily ever after), but I suppose that's realistic. You could probably tighten this up a little.

    I hope all is well,
    Amy
    | Posted on 2006-07-02 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]
      She is not ready, but she is powerful. I like how it explaines his willingness to continue. Perhaps he has betrayed her or maybe she is just not ready, but I think is a good portrait of their interlude.

    --kim
    | Posted on 2006-07-02 00:00:00 | by chemberdan | [ Reply to This ]
      I'm getting all sorts of ideas from this.
    I like abuzzbuzz92's idea of this being a parent and child, unfortunatly the line "gentle loving whispers " would make it seem a little incestuous to me. lol.
    I get the feeling though of an unwanted leaving from both sides, as though he, was being draughted into war or they both show regret for an incident only hinted at.

    The lines "From the shadows he emerges
    To watch the one who broke him
    Walk away in silence"
    were wonderful, the looking back from a point where he was sure he wouldn't be seen, to contemplate the regret of his actions and not influence hers... *goes weak at the knees*
    I know the feeling well and it really brought back memories for me.

    Now to criticise...
    umm...
    a little more punctuation?
    I added a few pauses while reading that I'm not sure should have been there..
    and... nah. Nothing to criticise, it was great!
    | Posted on 2006-07-19 00:00:00 | by Localfreak | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey, remember me? This was good in a way. I have some suggestions to smoothen the reading of this one:



    [That] they both long to hear
    Shaking his head [,] he turns


    I didn't like the wording in these lines. The top one had too many. The suggestion I could give you about that would be to take out half the line as so:


    She lets all the dreams []
    Slowly leave her soul



    Even in the last few lines, some kind of pause is needed before saying the last line:



    Walk away in silence,
    ...Their destiny…





    I am still not clear what type of a relation these two share. *peeks into other comment* Amy says it is a love poem. I didn't think so myself. It sounded like a father-daughter relation, I am not sure why I am thinking so though. And you have put this poem in the miscelleanous category, which further puzzles my already confused mind. But whatever the relation between them, you did manage to put a lot of emotion behind this. Well done!


    Abbas
    | Posted on 2006-07-09 00:00:00 | by abuzzbuzz92 | [ Reply to This ]


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