Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: At the dark cornerdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Duke Medhat
    ASL Info:    21/Male/Egypt
    Elite Ratio:    5.08 - 58/38/24
    Words: 75
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 965
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 453



    Description:
       This is a real situation that happened to me. It was the last day of our exams of the last year of the high school, so I will never see her again. I was in a shaded corner of my school building and as I am depressed I saw shadow darkness


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsAt the dark cornerdots
    -------------------------------------------


    At the dark corner was I
    Watching you twinkling at the light
    I can't even say good bye
    I do not have enough might

    The slow, fast watch is ticking
    Should I laugh, should I cry?
    Should I hope, should I try?
    My attempts well define failing

    As my heart is empty and dry
    I can tell you our future
    For you they will choose stupid guy
    My future is like my corner




    Submitted on 2006-07-02 08:54:28     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Well the rhyming seemed kind of forced, especially things like I and bye and light and might, it's just not natural rhyming, you would have produced a better poem if you hadn't tried to rhyme it, it would've flowed better as well because this seemed rather stilted. However the idea behind this is very good and some of your description is very good like 'As my heart is empty and dry', and the idea about the corner makes the piece very original.
    I think if you go over the poem again and edit using the same idea but giving it more freedom of flow and no rhymes then it would be really really good.
    So it has potential certainly, keep going.
    | Posted on 2006-07-02 00:00:00 | by Sagirlie | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    109196

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry