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    dots Submission Name: At the dark cornerdots

    Author: Duke Medhat
    ASL Info:    21/Male/Egypt
    Elite Ratio:    5.08 - 58/38/24
    Words: 75
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 1064
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 453

       This is a real situation that happened to me. It was the last day of our exams of the last year of the high school, so I will never see her again. I was in a shaded corner of my school building and as I am depressed I saw shadow darkness

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsAt the dark cornerdots

    At the dark corner was I
    Watching you twinkling at the light
    I can't even say good bye
    I do not have enough might

    The slow, fast watch is ticking
    Should I laugh, should I cry?
    Should I hope, should I try?
    My attempts well define failing

    As my heart is empty and dry
    I can tell you our future
    For you they will choose stupid guy
    My future is like my corner

    Submitted on 2006-07-02 08:54:28     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Well the rhyming seemed kind of forced, especially things like I and bye and light and might, it's just not natural rhyming, you would have produced a better poem if you hadn't tried to rhyme it, it would've flowed better as well because this seemed rather stilted. However the idea behind this is very good and some of your description is very good like 'As my heart is empty and dry', and the idea about the corner makes the piece very original.
    I think if you go over the poem again and edit using the same idea but giving it more freedom of flow and no rhymes then it would be really really good.
    So it has potential certainly, keep going.
    | Posted on 2006-07-02 00:00:00 | by Sagirlie | [ Reply to This ]

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    January 10 07
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