** When you Leave -------------------------------------------
Everytime you leave me
Standing in the unsettled dust
Of your steps,
Pain envelopes its strong clasp
Around my weakened body;
Sorrow pats my cool face
With a hand filled
Lonliness engulfs my frail mind
With wandering thoughts of
Our disintegrating life;
And confusion hits me
Hard in the gut as
My thoughts wander off.
Very good imagery, but i agree with the other commenter, a little bit of error though i dont think is that importan, its really the creativity it gives the work higher credit if you work on grammar...though i did love it,in its state as it is, except that it may have been a little harsh and kinda akward to use such words like...
lonliness engulfs, (for some reason this strikes me as kinda out of place and though usually i would like it it just irks me the wrong way)
Im no real judge just thought you might wanna know what i think, cuz this was still a really great piece of writing, i mean realyl the imagery is what i loved. Hope you write more, i mean you should...
Might have to go back n edit it a little bit. Few spelling error n all. Apart from that, good use of imagery to evoke feeling within the audience. Use of syntax n the way you structured the piece was probably responsible.
"And confusion hits me Hard in the gut as My thoughts wander off"
This was an effective conclusion. I like the way it abruptly stops.