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    dots Submission Name: ** When you Leavedots

    Author: Caotic_Disaster
    ASL Info:    16/F/Canada
    Elite Ratio:    4.03 - 447/349/148
    Words: 59
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 780
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 424


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    dots** When you Leavedots

    Everytime you leave me
    Standing in the unsettled dust
    Of your steps,
    Pain envelopes its strong clasp
    Around my weakened body;
    Sorrow pats my cool face
    With a hand filled
    With misery;
    Lonliness engulfs my frail mind
    With wandering thoughts of
    Our disintegrating life;
    And confusion hits me
    Hard in the gut as
    My thoughts wander off.

    Submitted on 2006-07-03 07:37:28     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Very good imagery, but i agree with the other commenter, a little bit of error though i dont think is that importan, its really the creativity it gives the work higher credit if you work on grammar...though i did love it,in its state as it is, except that it may have been a little harsh and kinda akward to use such words like...

    lonliness engulfs, (for some reason this strikes me as kinda out of place and though usually i would like it it just irks me the wrong way)

    Im no real judge just thought you might wanna know what i think, cuz this was still a really great piece of writing, i mean realyl the imagery is what i loved. Hope you write more, i mean you should...

    | Posted on 2006-07-03 00:00:00 | by FarawayFeelings | [ Reply to This ]
      Might have to go back n edit it a little bit. Few spelling error n all. Apart from that, good use of imagery to evoke feeling within the audience. Use of syntax n the way you structured the piece was probably responsible.

    "And confusion hits me
    Hard in the gut as
    My thoughts wander off"

    This was an effective conclusion. I like the way it abruptly stops.

    | Posted on 2006-07-03 00:00:00 | by Teh_roxxorz | [ Reply to This ]
      this pome was a good piece, i no how it feels when someone leave and your poem pretty much describes it, as i always say good job and keep writing

    | Posted on 2006-07-19 00:00:00 | by newbee | [ Reply to This ]
      A wonderfully descriptive piece of what it feels like to be abandoned by a person you love.

    Super job!
    | Posted on 2006-07-23 00:00:00 | by junemarie | [ Reply to This ]

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