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empty asylum


Author: silent_death12
Elite Ratio:    7.94 - 1739 /805 /135
Words: 265
Class/Type: Poetry /Misc
Total Views: 1508
Average Vote:    5.0000
Bytes: 1940



Description:


what 2 say about this one? I tried insanely hard to make this perfect, which I almost never admit to, the only reason I'm going to give for that is that I have my reasons, I hope at least one person understands them. anyway just any thoughts, be honest, and I hope you liked it:) (( and I know I need to work on the format with evening out line length...this really was a rough draft))personally, I don't like breaking things up...but I decided I'd see if ppl liked it better this way, I really flipped backed and forth between perceptions alot so maybe this'll read a lil better.


empty asylum



An "abandoned" asylum,
rests motionless atop the hill,
evoking chronic nightmares of a repeated tomorrow,
dissolving into tainted memories of each yesterday.
a forgotten prison unknown to those outside...

screams and cries silenced only by delusions.
another day filled with medicated 'content'.
listless expressions to match empty eyes.
(we have no more left for them to take.)
another involuntary dissection of all I am,
mind and body both so detached;
observed, condemned, analyzed, and discarded.
always left so desperately close to death,
yet never near enough to suffice.

haunted with what life remains in this broken corpse,
visions of memories, voices and *tainted surgery*:
voices whispering of my inveterate delirium.
as my mind continues to slowly fade away,
and my uneven heartbeat becomes a murmur.
panicking at the constant torment of these four walls,
the agony of cries that only I seem to hear.
losing what remained of my 'sanity',

shaking in violent frustration-
as these walls refuse to break...
and the bars upon the windows,
only mock my feeble attempts.
even the seeping sunlight seems artificial.
and the nights fade into day,

and now I'm crying out for nothing,
'cause no one seems to care,
and now I'm dreaming of a "savior",
but no one answers these useless prayers.

Infected flesh defaced with countless incisions,
restless pleas for help...or death,
until all the time runs out,
and vacant eyes accept this failure,
and the last scar went too deep,
and the last spark of life floods from my veins,
and my bloodied silence joins a million other cries.




Submitted on 2006-07-03 23:23:14     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  I swear if I had read this yesterday I could have actually written a poem rather then imagery pieces today. sweet inspiration for bitter nothingness till the clock toles and works comes by again lol.

I really really, enjoyed this piece im not 100% why but it lingers with me and gives me wishs to write more, hum maybe I will just for you lol Pm's rule :P
| Posted on 2006-08-09 00:00:00 | by obsidiandreams | [ Reply to This ]
  Ok. Well I'm going to comment on this one since it's asked for in your journal.

Firstly- I'm not trying to downplay or in any way marginalize what you've been through, but this sounds more like a rant than a poem. I'm not sure if I'd get rid of the quotation marks, because they add sarcasm that might otherwise be lost, but get rid of the asterisks around words right now. You'll feel better, trust me. If this is a rant, and your poetry is more like something to put on a blog or myspace, then leave them, they're ok for that.

Secondly, I realize that this is a personal topic, so I'm not going to diss your choice of topic, but you have to realize that it's waaay overdone. Everyone's read The Bell Jar and I Never Promised You A Rose Garden, and Lisa Bright and Dark, and Girl, Interrupted, plus hundreds of other poems on this site alone about insanity/mutilation/suicide and the problems with the way our current institutions' attempts at dealing with such problems are possibly not very good (ahem). No one seems to offer any alternatives, but instead to express their pain in an elegant/elegaic way.

Ok, maybe social reform is asking a bit much from a poetry website.

Good things- you didn't rhyme. If you'd have rhymed this (with the usual couplets or even the single-syllable rhymes that some people have posted) then i'd slash my own wrists.

You express yourself in a clear, yet slightly clichéd way. Your use of imagery is good, but vague. You conjure up the same image of abandoned insane asylumns that everyone's read.

Then again, you're only 13. I wasn't even writing poetry when I was 13. I was writing science fiction stories full of farting prarie dogs.

So, better than some, worse than some, lots of room (and time) for improvement. It's better than a lot of what i've read on similar topics by people older than you are. Keep writing.
| Posted on 2006-07-06 00:00:00 | by lukewarm | [ Reply to This ]
  I actually read this yesterday but I knew my comment would end up being very long, so I delayed it. Oh man, right when I first saw the title, I knew I was in for a disturbing, insane, morbid ride. haha, I was wrong. This went beyond what I thought it would be. It is filled with morbidness, eerieness, emotion, and best of all, helplessness. This was a very different write by you cause i'm not used to it, but dont get me wrong, I can totally get used to this, lol. Ok lets start dissecting.

"An "abandoned" asylum,
rests motionless atop the hill"

This is a nice intro to the poem. It is not overdone at all and feels more like the beginning of a story. What I like the most is that the abandoned is in quotations. This says that it may look like the asylum is abandoned on the outside, but there are still victims and patients who either are still being tested on or have been forgotten and left to rot. I liked that.

"evoking chronic nightmares of a repeated tomorrow,
dissolving into tainted memories of each yesterday.
a forgotten prison unknown to those outside..."

The first line there is really good. It says how maybe it would really suck to sleep cause you will then get nightmares of suffering the tortures again the next day, which they will. Also they next line just flows in and goes along with the line before it. The memories of yesterday and all the days before and tainted, corrupted because of all the torture the victim has suffered. The next line then, i think, proves my point that on the outside the asylum looks abandoned but the experiments and torture continue inside. I love the words here because they just fit wit the topic. Words like tainted, evoke, chronic and dissolving. Very good word choice.

"screams and cries silenced only by delusions.
another day filled with medicated 'content'."

These lines at first didn't seem to go together but when you look a little deeper you can see the connection. When the screams and cries for help are silenced, it could be from the delusions of escape or something that is brought on by the medicated "content". I just want to say something about medicated content. That is f.ucking brilliant. There are so many other unoriginal and boring ways you could have said that but you though up something creative. I loved that. Sorry, but i'm not going to go through it all cause it'll take too long.

"(we have no more left for them to take.)"

This is brilliant. I like that you put it in quotations to show that thats what the torturers are thinking. But also that shows what happens in places like these, how they can take away everything from a human until there's nothing left. Its a very scary thought.

"another involuntary dissection of all I am,
mind and body both so detached;
observed, condemned, analyzed, and discarded."

These lines are genius. I loved the word dissection and also that you put in involuntary. there are other words that i would have put in that just wouldn't have sounded as good. The next line is really good. Sure the body can be... "detached" but I never thought about how the mind can also be so detached because of the torture that you basically just become insane. The next line is good because it goes beyond just torture, something i can't seem to get past in my poems. How not only are they tortured but studied, analyzed and everything else you can think of. You're probably gonna get mad at me but I'm going to skip over to the last couple lines cause I'm running out off time, sorry.

"and the last scar went too deep,
and the last spark of life floods from my veins,
and my bloodied silence joins a million other cries."

These lines are the perfect ending to this kind of poem. At first it took me awhile to figure out if the "last scar" was self-inflicted but I read a little more and it wasn't. Even creepier, this person was a failure and thats why they killed him. I love how instead of blood you use 'last spark of life' that's just brilliant. and the end just works, bloodied silence brings up a very eerie and creepy picture to my head and i how instead of saying that it joins other people or something, you say cries, thats good, very damn good. Now i'm jealous. D.AMN You this is better than anything I could ever write, screw you, lol. I F.ucking loved this. It was a little on the long side but it never let up the creepiness, the horror and the descriptive phrase or vivid paintings. I'm sorry if I can't find anything wrong, no actually i dont want to find anything wrong cause then my praise for you wouldn't be as high as it is now, lol. I'm so f.ucking adding this to my list of favs.
Peace.
Neo
| Posted on 2006-07-06 00:00:00 | by Faith_Disease | [ Reply to This ]
  this is so very nightmare. life stretched mad by a mad world now being squashed to a tiny mess in a cell but even mad birds still need to fly.

it feels frantic and desperate and even the punctuation adds to the claustrophobic feel. that sort of harmony between a poem's meaning and tone is always a good thing - so well done.

"rests motionless [atop] the hill"

sorry, just one typo that my inner english teacher spotted and had to blurt out. silly old man.

there was though, one thing that didn't really work for me, and that was this stanza:

"and now I'm crying out for nothing,
'cause no one seems to care,
and now I'm dreaming of a "savior",
but no one answers these useless prayers."

the rhyme makes it feel out of place amid the rest of the poem, too structured and thought through while the rest feels more spontaneous.

"[as] even the seeping sunlight seems artificial.
and the nights fade into day"

without the "as" i think it would flow better.

but it's entirely up to you - i'm just being pedantic because as soon as i end this comment i really need to be doing some coursework.

eeek.

thanks for sharing!

Adam.
| Posted on 2006-07-05 00:00:00 | by Icarus | [ Reply to This ]
  Like i said... not much with poetry but i'm glad i chose this one to comment on.

Well.... what can i say? I dont get it as much as i should, but i see it as a person is in the asylum, cutting themself. Just the *Tainted Surgery* and "...spark of life flows from my veins" just sent me to that. Let me know if i was right.

Because i'm not so into poetry, i might not have gotten some of the stuff, but my guess is my guess... I dunno if i should post a comment if i dont get it though.

It does speak for an asylum. I heard things about them o.O Deffinetly somewhere i dun wanna go.

Sorry i cant review better
-Mowsy
| Posted on 2006-07-16 00:00:00 | by MowsysWrath | [ Reply to This ]
  its awesome, its the story and the meaning which matter most, they never seize to amaze me.

but personally, i would try and put the same meaning into shorter more readable phrases and poems in general.

Never stop!
| Posted on 2006-07-12 00:00:00 | by NeverMyWorld | [ Reply to This ]
  Hey Jess,

I loved the idea you have projected here. It's very dark and desperate to be heard...The emotions were totally there and the idea was totally inspiring to read.

Being crazy and in a nut house doesn't help people alot although they are there not to hurt themselves and others and also to get better...But i don't know, to me, once you experience the asylum, it kinda sticks with you for a while and despite how you feel now, the memories are never erased...Anyhow, that's what i thought of it.

You really got to break this down into stanzas...At first it was very confusing to follow because everything is together and it seemed that you were more anxious to get it written down than to have it in a presentable form...Nothing wrong with that, i'm just hoping it doesn't stay like that and that you're going to change it...So since you've noticed that this was a problem, i'm not going to say more on that...

Still, i enjoyed this. It has something a lot of people would not normally write about and that is the beauty behind this piece...

Anyhow, hope to hear more from you soon...Do take care...

Irina
| Posted on 2006-07-04 00:00:00 | by charmedidentity | [ Reply to This ]
  Jess
OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!
Jess you are getting unbelievably perfect with your latest writes
This one is off the richter scale
Jess I cant even begin to describe how this write hit me
When I was in my own hell with drugs and on every type of medicine you could imagine
This is how I felt
This write immediately drew me back to my time of being strapped down in a hospitol bed so I would not hurt myself only thinking of instant death
Jess I dont know how you did but you captured every insane emotion that I felt
My God Jess this is incredible
I may have told you before that your writing was very good but with this one you have jumped to the Elite
Congratulations Jess
Trust me I know and went thru this
You described it perfectly and eerily beautiful
God Bless
Ron
This is another favorite Jess
I am so Proud of you!!!!!!
| Posted on 2006-07-04 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
  OMG. You're pretty awesome with words and imagination. Incredibly detailed.

It is difficult to manage something of this magnitude and length, but you pulled it off nicely even though there are breaks.

For your age, this is great. Keep it up.
| Posted on 2006-07-12 00:00:00 | by EseanB | [ Reply to This ]
  I am a little confused. I think the flow is nice and the word choice is nice and the general auora of it is good. But the actual content confuses me. First I thought an on looker was describing an abandon buiding. THen I thought a former employee was feeling guilt. Then I thought a patient was reminescing. Then I thought it was you comparing your life to that of a patient....I guess what I am saying is the narrator aspect is a little hazey. But other than that I thought it was very dark and somber and positively splendid.
| Posted on 2006-07-04 00:00:00 | by beldolore | [ Reply to This ]
  Jess, this was great. It reminded me of the asylum[y] place some of my real friends and I went to visit some weeks ago, and it wasn't a trip I am hoping to remember forever. I had not seen or heard of such conditions ever before... it was... gruesome. Anyways, now we have decided to hold a carnival and help them out financially. Why am I boring you with all this. What you had here was really sad, and deep. I had to read this twice to understand it's true depth. I will not ramble on about my views on this topic. The only reason that I am not going to add this into my favourites is because you VERY narrowly avoided my cliché mark. Unless, you wanted it to be that way to describe the extreme of the setting. Actually, now that I think of it, this does deserve a place in my favourites. I really liked your word choice and enjoyed reading this considerably.


Abbas
| Posted on 2006-07-09 00:00:00 | by abuzzbuzz92 | [ Reply to This ]
  Like i said... not much with poetry but i'm glad i chose this one to comment on.

Well.... what can i say? I dont get it as much as i should, but i see it as a person is in the asylum, cutting themself. Just the *Tainted Surgery* and "...spark of life flows from my veins" just sent me to that. Let me know if i was right.

Because i'm not so into poetry, i might not have gotten some of the stuff, but my guess is my guess... I dunno if i should post a comment if i dont get it though.

It does speak for an asylum. I heard things about them o.O Deffinetly somewhere i dun wanna go.

Sorry i cant review better
-Mowsy
| Posted on 2006-07-16 00:00:00 | by MowsysWrath | [ Reply to This ]


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