Sign up to EliteSkills




Already have an account? Login to Roleplay.Cloud
Forgot password? Recover Password

My Existence


Author: LucyDiamond
ASL Info:    17/F/Sky
Elite Ratio:    3.9 - 365 /575 /251
Words: 61
Class/Type: Poetry /Love
Total Views: 1344
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 456



Description:


I really don't know what to name it. Any suggestions?


My Existence



Water in desert eternity
Warmth on Winter’s wost
Laughs in age of silence
Happiness immersed.

Precious gem in rocky haven
Cracking fire in Arctic snow
Grassy field in desert forever
Hearing ‘yes’ after expecting ‘no’.

Windy caress in summer swelter
Sky of gray with patch of blue
Smilling stars in nothing darkenss
My existence, and then there’s you.




Submitted on 2006-07-04 01:20:33     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post

Rate This Submission

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!




Comments


  Wow... I think I coudl sit and ponder this poem for a long time, you really said a lot in that last line there. Well done. I am definitely adding this to my favorites. Thanks a lot for writing this, I enjoyed it a lot.

Cheers
Tom
| Posted on 2006-10-28 00:00:00 | by UnspokenDreamer | [ Reply to This ]
  This is really pretty. Like it's a beautiful poem, because I love the scenery of nature that you used to describe yourself as something which makes the place beautiful, and then the last line is really what tied the whole poem together, and I just love the words you used, and you seem like someone who enjoys nature, and so do I, so I can appreciate this poem, and I think a lot of people will too! Amazing job. But it is a little sad, but, it's a great, because you are the beauty in his barren desert. Bless.
Peace,love,light,euphoria,
Aya
| Posted on 2006-07-04 00:00:00 | by EmpathicAya | [ Reply to This ]
  Short and simple, the flow is wonderful. I like the use of contrast to descibe just how wonderful something is! Keep up the good work, the last verse was totally my favorite! ^_^
| Posted on 2006-07-04 00:00:00 | by TenshiKage | [ Reply to This ]
  Very nice use of oxymorons. It fits together well. Two typos: wost > worst and darkenss > darkness.

Some remarks on the second stanza:
Precious gem in rocky haven
Cracking fire in Arctic snow
Grassy field in desert forever
this line seems the weakest to me, it repeats the second part of line one, you might consider changing the second half. a thought: in arid lands
Hearing ‘yes’ after expecting ‘no’.
this line seems to me to break the regular rhythm you've established. what about deleting 'after'? I think the line would work fine without it both for meaning (after is redundant: expecting no can only occur before you hear the yes) and meter.


Thanks for a very nice poem!
| Posted on 2006-11-01 00:00:00 | by Lerlim | [ Reply to This ]


Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece?
7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?



109373