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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Magus Opus Idots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Crutch
    ASL Info:    65/M/Ar.
    Elite Ratio:    7.58 - 44/27/12
    Words: 108
    Class/Type: Poetry/Dark
    Total Views: 773
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 719



    Description:
       Part one of a planned Triptych. I am trying to learn to use rhyme and rhythm in a pervasively iambic structure with four feet per line.
    - Help me out here. - thanks


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMagus Opus Idots
    -------------------------------------------


    Dark seer intones abyssal altar songs
    with prostrate limbs across the floor,
    and begs dry crumbs from bitter hands,
    as locusts swarm outside the door.

    Chanting mantras with a wordless mouth,
    to breach the space behind the mind,
    he culls the deep and draws the net
    and brings to shore a conjured kind.

    With applied hand of the mageís trade
    and matching tempest voice within,
    he arrays hounds of hell with fresh
    sinew and bone and flesh and skin,

    which he delicately writhes to plait
    into a loverís knot of ebony shades.
    Casting shadows like clouds on snow
    he weaves a dream of dark brocades.




    Submitted on 2006-07-04 17:08:29     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      HI Crutch,

    Your first line has too many syllables if you are going for four feet per line. The next three lines work perfectly, though, for the effect you are going for. Then you have the exact same problem with the second stanza. First line is off, the next three are just right. In the third stanza your first and third lines are off - and stress is on the wrong syllables, but the second and fourth lines are right on. In your last stanza the word "delicately" is throwing everything off, and I think you have too many syllables except in the last line.

    I really appreciate a structured poem that has a definite meter to it, and rhyme too. It's a challenge for sure. I think it has to be done perfectly to really pull it off. I guess that's what they ( whover they are) mean when they talk about the CRAFT of poetry, though. Or maybe it's just me. At any rate, good luck with it!

    Annie
    | Posted on 2006-09-03 00:00:00 | by annie0888 | [ Reply to This ]
      Good evening Crutch,

    This piece is rich in vocabulary, which I appreciate as a reader. Most readers prefer to be exposed to new ideas/words, as I am sure you know.

    Though I typically do not like rhyming in a poem,I must admit you pulled this off quite nicely. I do feel the practice does handcuff poetry, but again, you pulled it off rather skillfully.

    I liked the imagery. Throughout the work, you paint a picture of this character and what he does - he appears to be a conductor of wickedness.

    Though the poem reminds me of a celtic fairytale, I do get the impression that this is allegorical for something bigger - perhaps the devil himself.

    My favorite stanze is the first one - it sets the tone of the work and you did not lose focus.

    My overall impression is that this is a good work, even though it isn't quite my style. (of course it doesn't matter what my style is - if you like it, that's what important). There is most definetly an audience for this style of work and I would encourage you to keep at it - but I would like to see you write something that does not rhyme, just for my own curiosity.

    Kindest Regards Sir,
    T.J.
    | Posted on 2006-09-01 00:00:00 | by tjsmith5 | [ Reply to This ]
      thank you for the read and the crit. Your comments are very encouraging. I really enjoy words. In fact I've been known to sit and read the dictionary for entertainment. This piece is planned to be part one of a three part work. I am currently working on part two.

    I've only written one piece that does not use rhyme and I'm not sure that it qualifies as a poem, however, that may be a hang up with me. perhaps I'll post it and see what happens. again thanks for the read and the thought involved in your crit. -crutch
    | Posted on 2006-09-02 00:00:00 | by Crutch | [ Reply to This ]


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