Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Trembledots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Aknahlij_d 1
    ASL Info:    17/Male/Loueezy
    Elite Ratio:    3.52 - 369/516/136
    Words: 185
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 1172
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1128



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsTrembledots
    -------------------------------------------


    i shudder at the thought of walking the streets
    without so much as your perfume carried in the breeze
    to carry me into security
    and shrivel everytime i see you sigh
    and know i caused it
    i'm nauseous,
    and i'd hate myself if we had somehow lost this
    expressing these emotions that slept
    dormant in the back of my mouth
    like a rock of granite preventing the flow
    i'm falling for a theory,
    in love with a hunch
    besides the sting of your words at times,
    your mouth could do no wrong
    only from you is honesty brutal and crucial to my growth
    its important that you know,
    every word is taken to heart
    and given thought to build wings with
    flying through my mind and never touching the floor
    and if those words ever did,
    i'd consider them sacred since they were yours
    and of course,
    every step i take without you is in angst
    i tread the soggy earth searcing for solid ground
    the stability even the outline of your shadow can provide




    Submitted on 2006-07-05 22:45:04     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      An interesting write. I liked some of your descriptions eg "expressing these emotions that slept
    dormant in the back of my mouth
    like a rock of granite preventing the flow"
    and "the stability even the outline of your shadow can provide".
    Those lines seemed very original to me.
    Only suggestion is to use more capitalisations especially on "i" as it should be capitalised to be gramatically correct.
    Thanks for sharing.
    | Posted on 2006-07-06 00:00:00 | by SilverScent | [ Reply to This ]
      this one was weird (which of your writes aren't) but i liked it a lot. i'm guessing this is about katy and that you miss her. i told u to just put that girl in her place. u were too soft with her. just kidding man. don't worry you'll get over her.

    and know i caused it
    i'm nauseous,
    and i'd hate myself if we had somehow lost this

    flying through my mind and never touching the floor
    and if those words ever did,
    i'd consider them sacred since they were yours

    this is going on my fave list man. we'll do another collabo soon. holla at me if u have any ideas or if u just wanna spit something and put a weird ass hook on it
    | Posted on 2006-07-15 00:00:00 | by unknown soldier | [ Reply to This ]
      I have to pick a few nits. I know that people use "nauseous" to mean nauseated nauseous actually means "causing nausea," so I think you need to change that since it alters the meaning so profoundly. "Every time" should be two words. You also misspelled "searching." I think I'd put a comma or a line break after honesty in "only from you is honesty brutal and crucial to my growth." I think you could get rid of a lot of ands and not lose any meaning. Otherwise, I enjoyed this very much. The last line really pulls this together nicely.

    I hope all is well,
    Amy
    | Posted on 2006-07-07 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    109560

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry