Sign up to EliteSkills




Already have an account? Login to Roleplay.Cloud
Forgot password? Recover Password

forbidden snow


Author: Scribbles1338
ASL Info:    18/Female/St. Louis
Elite Ratio:    4.44 - 169 /167 /37
Words: 106
Class/Type: Poetry /
Total Views: 1017
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 706



Description:




forbidden snow



Where fallen leaf and withered flower
Lie still with silence in the air
And every dark and passing hour
Forgets the reason it strikes there

Upon this world so dark and weary
Beyond the striking graying glow
There lies a place not quite so dreary
But covered in pearlescent snow

This place, the hall of frosty ashes
A home for wretched, tired dreams
The post at which the lightening crashes
And all around are muffled screams

Deep in this haunting snowy wonder
A maiden sleeps in pallid bliss
No warmth shall reach this place of yonder
Until her lips feel love's first kiss




Submitted on 2006-07-06 18:35:34     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post

Rate This Submission

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!




Comments


  Hey Scribbles, I really like this. The rhymes you pulled off didn't feel one bit cliché or forced, so congrats there. This really paints a picture in my mind, a winter forest at dusk. I don't know, I had that picture in my head the whole time I read it. Well, actually, the last stanza made me think of a cabin with a fireplace not burning, despite its being snowed in. But anyway, I really liked this. The only thing I saw that was "wrong" is really small, and it may just be me.

I reread the first stanza again, and it seems better this third time reading it, but the last line of the first stanza,

Forgets the reason it strikes there

sort of throws off the flow. I have no idea why. I just stumble when I read that last line. But again, good write!

Justin :)
| Posted on 2006-07-07 00:00:00 | by IamYourTragedy | [ Reply to This ]


Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece?
7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?



109637