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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: ** Daisy Decisiondots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Caotic_Disaster
    ASL Info:    16/F/Canada
    Elite Ratio:    4.03 - 447/349/148
    Words: 126
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 791
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 746



    Description:
       This was just a sudden poem that came to my head. Hope you like it. Thanks to everyone how has been commenting!


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dots** Daisy Decisiondots
    -------------------------------------------


    Sitting here in this lonely field
    Picking at one lonely daisy
    Asking it the ever forbearing question
    Does he love me or does he not?

    As my fingers glide across each white petal
    The calm wind pushes my bangs from my eyes
    My mind races with the adrenaline of the moment
    Does he love me or does he not?

    My fingers begin to pluck at each petal
    Words whispering from my shivering mouth
    Only a few more petals to pick
    Does he love me or does he not?

    My fingers hover over the last perfect petal
    My mind already knows the answer
    My mouth begins to open as my fingers grab the final petal
    The daisy decides he does love me .




    Submitted on 2006-07-07 13:51:12     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      i don't actually think it is too bad a cliché, i think roses are generally more associated with romance, but this has more of an innocence about it. Only criticism, is that you said yellow petals, and daisies have white petals with yellow centers, only a minor botanical detail! well done, love charlie x x x
    | Posted on 2006-07-08 00:00:00 | by Charlie Poppins | [ Reply to This ]
      I must disagree with redrose, I see some cliché - ness, but more than the cute I see some decent structure and metre. The metaphors are representative of a more mature writer, so I think for a 14 year old writer it is very well done. So much better to read this type from a young poet than all the other angst junk written by many others in this age bracket.
    bravo!

    your friend
    ben
    | Posted on 2006-07-07 00:00:00 | by BenCollier | [ Reply to This ]
      I have to agree that this was very cute and innocent. I really like how you captured this brief moment and put the reader right there with you. Imagery does amazing things and you did a great job with that in this piece. It definately brought back fond memories of the days that I used to sit and do this. Thank God that the daisy turned out to be wrong in most cases, but none the less it was really enjoyable to read. I have to agree with the comment left about the angst that you typically see with the younger writers.

    The only thing that I really noticed was the word "pluch", I'm assuming that is supposed to say pluck, but other than that I really don't have too much more to say about it. Keep it up!

    Candi
    | Posted on 2006-07-12 00:00:00 | by dreamweaver | [ Reply to This ]
      This is very cliché. But somehow it redeems itself because it is so cute. :D The poem has loads of great imagery. Like the line about the wind and your bangs.
    I only have a few suggestions:
    Reread through this yourself and try to find synonyms for words that you repeated in each stanza. And change a couple spelling errors.
    Other than that this is a good write.
    LeAnna
    | Posted on 2006-07-07 00:00:00 | by RedRoseofBlood | [ Reply to This ]


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    January 10 07
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