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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Herdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: annie0888
    ASL Info:    49/f/LA
    Elite Ratio:    4.76 - 327/382/122
    Words: 66
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 1166
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 480



    Description:
       This is about my friend who adopted an abused eight year old girl who had been in and out foster care since birth.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsHerdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Wondering , thundering, stunning her;

    shunned her, shined her,

    blinding her, binding her.

    Reminder pained her,

    remainder chained her;

    stranger changing her; strangler hanging her.

    Hunger wrung her;

    wring her, sting her,

    fling her, sling her under, stunning her.

    Floundering, we found her, won her.

    One her - a wonder.




    Submitted on 2006-07-08 00:32:08     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      With me arriving late in the comment program, you've already read the reviews and each has a good point or points. One thing that I think was missed was an appreciation of the lost, confused and scattered reflection of the heretofore unfortunate young girl within your writing.

    What I see is the unexpected, even to the changing tenses out of place - getting lost and causing some discomfort from the everyday events of what could be called a "good life". Many a child like this one has none and no real hope either.

    I wish I was in a position to help with many like that, but I seem strained raising three of my own even with both parents working. God bless your friend for taking such a step and you for caring enough to write about it.
    | Posted on 2006-08-10 00:00:00 | by Blue Monk | [ Reply to This ]
      This poem didn't seem to carry a single thought to me. It was just a bunch of 'ER' sounds blaring off of the page. I found it very hard to read. The 'her' subject was obscure at best, and i couldn't make out the feeling that you were trying to impose with this poem. I think that it was the 'her's and 'er's that did it in for me.
    Hey, I am really sorry if I sound icky on comments, but I will warn you that I can be quite frank! And I am not so scared to back off a bit when you gave me refreshingly frank reviews! I really appreciate them! When someone completely bashes something of mine, I can take a hint. Luckily, that hasn't really happened here, but you come close! I just look at what other people have said, and I add all the pros and cons. At least, thats what Id like to do! Not too many people have found me yet.
    Anyway, thanks again, and keep up with me! I think I might post one more, and then rest for a while to let people comment on everything at least five or six times before I put any more. (I have billions, i swear!)
    On to make one more comment, then I am off to dreamland.
    ~Aetha
    | Posted on 2006-07-30 00:00:00 | by Aetha Daemon | [ Reply to This ]
      
    This is an okay write, and I like the way you handle the sonic in it. There are from my point of view some problems though. The first line:
    “Wondering , thundering, stunning her;”
    ‘stunning’ just does not fit here. The sound is off. You could try removing it, or changing the word, if you can come up with anything.

    Also when you come to the points in the write were you have a ‘break’ in the style “sling her under”, you could make more out of it, make it a special place in the poem, which gives the reader a chance to stop, or reconsider how to read the piece. The way it is now, it looks pretty random, and without much thought, but it could be a place to mark a transition to a new style of wordplay, which is at stake in the last lines.

    As to the content of the text, I can see it pointing from the particular to the universally, but it is too tight bound to the particular – the adoption of a particular girl – but the emotions slung out, is something that in some degree happens to all. Well I do not know, but I would have tried to loosen the connection a bit to the special situation.

    Anyways, it is always refreshing to see people playing with words differently then the mainstream, and especially when they have something to say. Overall a nice write.

    Best
    -tZar
    | Posted on 2006-07-12 00:00:00 | by tZar | [ Reply to This ]
      I like the artistic asthetic of your words here. You used that device nicely and while retaining meaning as well. Quite a heavy story you proposed with this almost childish rhyme. An interesting method, but I like it. I havent read much like this quirky little write here, but I have to say it is talented. My best wishes for your kind hearted friend and this poor girl.
    | Posted on 2006-07-08 00:00:00 | by leftof_red | [ Reply to This ]
      I like the wordplay here but I think it detracts from the serious point you're trying to make. It sounded a bit 'Seussish' to me and I think that diminishes the picture of her you are tyring to present. I want to see her more clearly here; maybe expanding on what you've got would accomplish that and use the lines you have to introduce each section. Just a thought; you know what they say about free advice. :-)

    Peace,

    Joe
    | Posted on 2006-07-10 00:00:00 | by joeyalphabet | [ Reply to This ]
      I can't say I care much for the piece there isn't much depth to the message, but the brilliance of the way it's written is undeniable. The her sound sountime just er is repeated continuouly as I'm sure you know. There is so much assonance that the message actually gets a bit difficult becuase even when I try to reflect on it all I can remeber is her/ er. I would of though her to be a weak title before reading this but it fits because of this masterfully strange way of wording. Anyway don't care much for the piece, but brillantly composed. peace
    | Posted on 2006-07-08 00:00:00 | by shaman | [ Reply to This ]
      Try saying this out loud five times in a row lol.

    I think the way you used sonics to get your message across was refreshing. To tell you the truth, it was tricky to read, but under the layer of your oft-repeated rhythm lay a serious message.

    My thoughts are that this could have more... emotional hurt injected into this. As it is, I don't feel like you're letting the floodgates fully open-- I'm only getting a trickle.

    Maybe it should be like that: a trickle of emotion for the reader to disseminate-- or maybe you should really go for it... and lay it on the line for all of us to bleed with her.

    What works here is that this could apply to anyone in this situation-- there's no specifics to get bogged under to make this idiosyncratic... there's no imagery but there's pure emotion to compensate.

    As for children getting abused, I won't say anything... except it's great of you to expose these sort of topics for people to think over.

    Peace,

    Jase
    | Posted on 2006-07-09 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]
      Her Annie,

    When i first saw the title, i assumed it was based about another woman who wanted to take away something precious from you (Well in most cases happening today would be someone else's man) but i was deceived by the title.

    My honest thoughts about this is that what your friend has done is wonderful. Take this little girl and give her a stable home...I think, it's destructive for a child to be with so many strange people expecting her to do as they please with her or try to mend her into their lifestyle. I couldn't think of anything more destructive to a child than to be in and out of a different home. And i also think this is a very wonderful dedication to her.

    About the piece, although i found your method of writing very interesting, it kinda distracted me from what you were trying to say. At times, i couldn't picture some of the words you've used because there were so many images. But still, it was very touching to read and i'm glad i did read it.

    Hope to see you soon again.
    Take care...
    ~Irina~
    | Posted on 2006-07-08 00:00:00 | by charmedidentity | [ Reply to This ]


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