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    dots Submission Name: Nobody The Unwanteddots

    Author: Localfreak
    ASL Info:    37, Maybe, Here
    Elite Ratio:    5.37 - 131/123/76
    Words: 109
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 960
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 731

    This is kinda my life from beginning to end..
    Never could get the words right when it comes to describing myself though so it probably is a bit shite.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsNobody The Unwanteddots

    Always competing with what came before
    With what will come later
    And be, evermore

    Cowed down 'neath whispers from those up above
    Beneath all his betters
    He sits, and he sulks

    Never knowing the top of the hill
    Depending on those who ridicule
    For the trace of an ego, or a place to belong
    Though physically perfect, his mind can't be strong

    And still he aspires to be but one loved
    To be the one chosen
    Above, all the rest

    And still he looks onward towards what can't come
    For the one who'd take all
    And give all, back in full

    Submitted on 2006-07-08 08:38:00     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      I like it, I could relate to the first, although I am the oldest, there has always been apparently something better, i keep trying to avoid comparing, its hard. the third stanza was my favorite especially the line "though physically perfect, his mind cant be strong"...i wouldnt change it to "cannot"..because I dont think it sounds right like that, but hey thats just me. most of my guilt rests in the truth of the 4th stanza.....always wanting to be the one chosen, I finally got my wish, I made myself into one of those people you are suppose to choose, and now i hate it, kinda...lol...anyways..good poem, feelings well expressed, you can see the growth in timed, as you become more aware as to how you change, and what you want,nicely done.

    Until we write again,

    | Posted on 2006-07-08 00:00:00 | by inkonspikuous | [ Reply to This ]
      I don't believe you worded things poorly.

    "Though physically perfect, his mind can't be strong" I might suggest changing 'can't' to 'cannot', it flows better.

    "And give all back in full" This one seems to need something... maybe you could add "all 'taken', 'things', 'received', 'meaning', etc"

    Over all, I think you captured the feeling brilliantly.



    | Posted on 2006-07-08 00:00:00 | by Mandolin | [ Reply to This ]

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