The Word by Poly Jean

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Submission Name: The Word dots

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Author:	Poly Jean
ASL Info:	31/f/FarAway
Elite Ratio:	4.46 - 382/259/68
Words:	107

Class/Type:	Poetry/Serious
Total Views:	295
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	764

Description:
Oh well, scribbling again.
I’ve rewritten this one already. it contains a part of the poem that is not posted. So, I’m recycling myself. How desperate is that?

The Word dots

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You don’t claim fame
nor knowledge
but unwillingly you became
a teacher, my own prophet
shearing your pain
as ultimate wisdom.

Uselessly, I tried
to catch the feel of you
to armor it with words
and they shine brightly, bur needlessly.
The only true word, I know
will stray, and stay
unspoken.
The truth I will deny
but still cling to what can not be real
like a zealot clinched with the truth
oh, let it slip away
slip away, slip away
the word saying in the language of this world
how I live far beyond sanity.

Submitted on 2006-07-08 16:12:07 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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||| Comments |||
  I must say this was a very enjoyable poem. The poetic devices are used craftfully. In particular, I enjoyed the structure which clarified an otherwise overly complex poem. The reason is that there seems to lack a continuity from line to line. This is perhaps the most noticeable mistake in this poem. You probably need to develop the theme further so that the reader can understand all your 'woes'. Other than that, this is a great write.

"The truth I will deny
but still cling to what can not be real
like a zealot clinched with the truth
oh, let it slip away
slip away, slip away
the word saying in the language of this world
how I live far beyond sanity."

This part of the poem was interesting, especially because of the structure, which I must praise you for once more. The use of Italics for a special phrase was perfect. It seemed like an echo of something surreal. I really enjoyed that.

The title is also good, although I feel it allows for some deeper lines. Well done, and congratulations for such an eloquent poem.
| Posted on 2006-09-29 00:00:00 | by HansRik | [ Reply to This ]
  Hi, and thanks for another little write that made me think a bit. As often happens with me, my mind starts to wander, and all of a sudden I was thinking of Foucaults Pendulum by Umberto Eco (if you are familiar with it). It is about conspiracies and secret societies (kind of like Dan Brown but with the difference that it has got depth and something on it mind). It states that as soon as truth is spoken it ceases to be THE truth and becomes pragmatic, banal and just another thing that is ‘controlled’ by a higher instance.
In your write I feel the same vibe – let me not reach this as I will reveal its banality or let me not know what I know; let it be undone. It can only be something great when it is ‘dunkel’ (German, for the lack of better word).
Anywho I liked it, and yout wanted to let you know…

All best,
-tZar
| Posted on 2006-09-20 00:00:00 | by tZar | [ Reply to This ]
  This poem was good. My only suggestion would be to either use all capitol letters at the beginning of each line, or use none at all. And my other Suggestion would be, "Unlessly" that word doesn't sound right. But other than that good write. Keep It up!

R.Bayden
| Posted on 2006-07-31 00:00:00 | by remedy bayden | [ Reply to This ]
  I like it! Yes it is the "unspoken" "word." The one we all fear at first thought,but later cherish. It will take courage to speak it aloud, but one must, if only to preserve your "sanity." It is always best to lay all the cards on the table, hold nothing back, let your heart rule, and then deal with the consequences. There is no negative aspect to "the word," at the worst, someone will be flattered. If "the word" is not a shared noun, then what of it? A brief moment of embarassment, followed by a closer friendship, is not a bad thing.

As for thr poem;

S1 - There is a mix of verb tenses, "don't claim / became' One is present tense and the other past. Fix it by changing to "didn't claim." Also, it would be better as "and shared."

S2 - In L4 I would suggest changing "and they" to "that." L5 & L6 need no commas. L8 needs one after "truth." L9 No need for "still." L13 Comma after "word."

I like this image of that powerful gut wrenching feeling we all get when emotions drive us in one direction and logic in another. I say "GO with your heart!" You can never be wrong, for there is no wrong in such matters. The only thing to fear is inaction. Do / say nothing, and regrets follow you... forever. Speak your heart and no one takes offense, for honesty is respected, even admired.

Hope this helps.

Phil
| Posted on 2006-07-27 00:00:00 | by phil askew | [ Reply to This ]
  I like this. I think it needs something more but I like it anyway. Haven't heard from you in awhile. What's new? a few of us might be starting a livejournal for writing and critiquing so if you'd be interested in something like that, let me know. I think it would be funner than this!
| Posted on 2006-07-08 00:00:00 | by sierramuse8 | [ Reply to This ]
  Wow...I really liked this it spoke to me...scriblling huh...MORE LIKE ART WOMAN !!!!! keep up the good work look forward to reading more
| Posted on 2006-07-08 00:00:00 | by OscuraAmor | [ Reply to This ]
  The idea is good, but what it lacks is continuity and possibly some word chice. Try using the words "and unwittingly" instead of "but unwillingly".
In the first stanza you say, "...my own prophet,
sharing your pain as ultimate wisdom", a well thought out phrase. But in the second stanza you say, "Uselessly I tried to catch the feel of you...", meaning you haven't really shared anything.
It's pretty clear what it is you are trying to say, and you almost have it; I really did enjoy the read, but it had me stumbling just a little as I went through it. I have a few of mine that I still have to work out, but thats why we put them out here, isn't it? Enjoyed the work and hope to see more.
| Posted on 2006-07-09 00:00:00 | by coyote | [ Reply to This ]

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