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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The White Desertdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: mugsy
    ASL Info:    68/M/Sooke/ B.C./Can.
    Elite Ratio:    4.1 - 138/106/35
    Words: 45
    Class/Type: Poetry/Nature
    Total Views: 947
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 339



    Description:
       "Some random thoughts pertaining to uncomfortable weather in a land that forgives nothing."


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe White Desertdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I've suffered your white winds
    Where snow blows like sand
    And nothing grows
    Except the white dunes
    Across the land
    Even felt your icy kiss
    on Earlobes and toes
    You spared nothing
    Not even my
    Overextended nose
    Which I dared invest
    In your frosty business....




    Submitted on 2006-07-09 20:25:22     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      i could imagine a white dune across a vast land when i read this. it gives out perfect detail on what you want to explain. i loved it. it reminded me of somehow, being cold and alone. how it reminds me of that? i have no idea. seems very original, first poem i read that describe things like this. loved your metaphors and the way you've described it. "Even felt your icy kiss. on Earlobes and toes" was my favourite line, i know how it feels, but i never imagined it could be described this way. i really wanted you to write more!!! hehe. keep up the good work!

    deathbroken

    p.s. wow, i think this is the longest comment i ever gave someone yay! I'm improving!
    | Posted on 2006-12-14 00:00:00 | by deathbroken | [ Reply to This ]
      You have created a piece of brilliance with this poem. Up here where I am in Quebec we got the first taste of her icy kiss this week. So very sad to see the warmth leaving. First snow fall always creates such havoc on the roads and just to think this is only the beginning .
    At times I only wish I could stick my nose in the warm sun of some tropical island. I guess we are all free to dream...lol
    Short, direct and right to the point poetry, no mind boggling thoughts needed. Very refreshing to read.
    Thank-you once again for commenting on my poetry, it is always appreciated.
    Take care, and button that coat up real tight...lol

    P.S I must say I love your title it fit so perfectly with the poem.
    Luanne
    | Posted on 2006-10-25 00:00:00 | by Luanne | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey Mike! I like it! We get some snow down here as well, not as much as you guys, but enough that I could feel the chill you've created. And I hate those "white dunes", hate driving in them. You can't see what's coming. Each intersection becomes a game of chance. As for the cold, it gets harder to deal with every year, frozen solid chunks of ice in the streets. Maybe I should head south and get my "nose" out of "her business."

    Suggestions: L2 Begin the line with "Snow" followed by "that." L3 Change "And" to "Where." L5 This may sound harsh, but I don't think you need this line. To me, it's superfluous. (Like it's there just to rhyme.) I think your poem is great without this.

    I like the feel of this poem, the images generate a sense of chill in the reader. One can see the "white wind", taste the "icy kiss", even my nose was starting to sting. Great comparisons, similes and metaphors, like "dunes", "sand", "kiss",etc.
    Short and direct, crystal clear, nothing that confuses, just straight ahead, description of what we call the "Montreal Express." Nice one!

    Phil
    | Posted on 2006-08-13 00:00:00 | by phil askew | [ Reply to This ]
      The snow imagery is awesome, particularly how you show the beauty of it along side its dangers, without revealing too much detail. Awesome write! Keep it up! I agree with Lesser_threat that it could be used as an intro to a longer piece, but is also excellent on its own.
    | Posted on 2006-08-10 00:00:00 | by Siberianhearts | [ Reply to This ]
      It has a double meaning and I saw some metaphors in there, but I'm not sure if thats what they're supposed to be. It's a great poem and I'm adding it to my favorites. Peace!!!
    Katana
    | Posted on 2006-08-08 00:00:00 | by Katana Ryoko | [ Reply to This ]
      "Thanks Phil for your input. I will try your version and see how it goes with other readers. I will keep the original as well thereby allowing a comparison. Thanks again"-------Mugs----
    | Posted on 2006-08-17 00:00:00 | by mugsy | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow I love the imagery of this poem, The way you described the snow was awsome, I have never seen snow in person before so I could not myself say anything about the snow , but I could imagine that in canada snow tends to be an annoyance.

    much LOVE
    James
    | Posted on 2006-07-17 00:00:00 | by James Reyna | [ Reply to This ]
      I life the "you" and "your" refrences. They are nice. The simplicity is also nice, and I agree with the previous comment on the poem making you want to know more. I think a story should be told, but keeping the detail out of it without trying to be secretive.
    | Posted on 2006-07-09 00:00:00 | by BeautifulGrace | [ Reply to This ]
      Ooo, impressive little snippet poem. Gives you a picture of the situation without really telling you anything, and there's something to be said for the ability to do that. The cliff-hanger is perfect, makes me want more but doesn't leave me unfulfilled. I think this could work as a stand-alone or as an introduction to a longer piece, as long and the longer piece didn't differ too much in the amount of detail.
    | Posted on 2006-07-09 00:00:00 | by lesser_threat | [ Reply to This ]


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