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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: elidots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: mk666
    ASL Info:    20/f/NJ
    Elite Ratio:    4.63 - 12/1/2
    Words: 80
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 750
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 580



    Description:
       summer days


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotselidots
    -------------------------------------------


    the smell of old books
    and something sweet
    (perhaps a joint)
    I am immersed.

    safe
    inexpressible moments of completeness
    as you listen to my heart beat

    close squeeze

    lips sharing a secret
    untraditionally:

    the hum of an overhead airplane
    whoosh
    as the secret zooms in

    stealing my tongue
    throbbing
    by every moment
    I am more alive


    a naive feeling
    of adequacy
    and of something incomparable




    Submitted on 2006-07-09 21:10:22     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Ahh, this is really refreshing to read. You have a way of bringing imagery to life with the added bonus of leaving your emotions at the door for the reader to decipher... there's no spoon-feeding which is great.

    Here, let me break this down:

    the smell of old books
    and something sweet
    (perhaps a joint)
    I am immersed.


    The smell of old books and mary jane... immediately, the olfactory and visual senses are kicked into gear with this great intro of yours. "I am immersed" almost seems unnecessary to me, for I get the feeling of total immersion already.

    safe
    inexpressible moments of completeness
    listening to my heart beat

    close squeeze

    lips sharing a secret
    untraditionally:


    Your immersion is apparent here. This is just something I try to do, but I think about unnecessary 'ing' verbs that makes it cluttured to read out. By changing the syntax to something like: "as I listen to my heartbeat" you get rid of that present-tense clutter. And this line could then be chopped back to: "lips share a secret"... now with"untraditionally", shouldn't that be "non-traditionally"? Although, I like the way that sounds... it's different and seems to fit... so I'm ambiguous about that word. But I thought I'd bring it up anyway.

    the hum of an overhead airplane
    whoosh
    as the secret zooms in

    stealing my tongue
    throbbing
    by every moment
    I am more alive


    a naive feeling
    of adequacy
    and of something incomparable


    I like the sense of hearing you establish with the airplane whooshing overhead... the onomatopoiea of "whoosh" is really effective to me.

    What is this secret? What I like is that you don't tell me... which leaves me to ponder.

    Your "tongue throbbing" makes me connect this with your heartbeats previously for some reason... which connects subdermally with the unspoken realization of love.

    In your last three lines, I feel like there's something missing at the end... that's just me though. This is what I heard:
    a naive feeling
    of adequacy
    and of something incomparable
    (resides)

    -- Seems more 'complete', both emotionally and rhythmically. What do you think?

    I don't usually go this in-depth with a lot of poems, so forgive me for the apparent over-analyzation of yours... but I found it unique and pleasurable to read.

    By the way, is "eli" the name of your love? I get the feeling that he is... that's the only connection I can figure out...

    Beautiful write. And welcome to ES.
    Peace,

    Jase


    | Posted on 2006-07-09 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]


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