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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Eyes To Embracedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: keestu
    ASL Info:    32/male/Sydney
    Elite Ratio:    5.61 - 153/95/116
    Words: 113
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 1935
    Average Vote:    2.7500
    Bytes: 620



    Description:
       Everyone dream about someone and then see them in real.... I saw a dream in real and then dreamt about her... This poem is a dedication to my maya....a light in the dark,a dream that i can see but cannot get..a curse in life for such a billion in one woman is there right in front of my eyes and she not like me even though i love her.....Waiting for her forever keestu.....


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsEyes To Embracedots
    -------------------------------------------


    Silence in a move, words in despair
    a light in the dark for a dream to be.
    Can a dream come true in a life with hope,
    a dream in reality,my love to see.

    Words too many with a drop of a tear,
    god in itself to cry for a dew.
    Death in life with a smile on your face,
    thousands of words to say i love you.

    A heart that beats with a purpose in life,
    purpose i find eternity in a gaze.
    love in life for a dream to come true,
    find shall i forever your eyes to embrace

    ...........to a light in life who just walked away.




    Submitted on 2006-07-10 06:21:36     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Thanks to the 1000th viewer....It's 999 as of this post today :-)
    | Posted on 2013-10-04 00:00:00 | by keestu | [ Reply to This ]
      I feel that your foreign background gives this write a tad bit more mysticism. That's a good thing, mind you. Your rhyme scheme flows quite nicely, though some of your sentences and interesting use of is confusing, in some places.

    I read your description also. You seem very much infatuated with this person. Have they read your work?

    Also, have you ever paused to consider that while to you this is an expression of you love and devotion, but to her it could appear as if you are pressing your feelings on her, or that you could be stalking her? Things are seen differently across the 'great' distance of gender. I don't mean to sound rude. I am simply stating a fact that is after all common knowledge. Differences are what make us unique... Choice is what makes us free...

    Either way:
    "To each his/her own" and "What's meant to be will be"
    | Posted on 2009-12-24 00:00:00 | by night_angel | [ Reply to This ]
      "If you do what you've always done you'll always get what you've always got."
    Meaning....
    People will continue to make you cry if you continue to write like this.

    So here is what you did. Flush out every memory of every poem you have ever read. And then write a poem. Have a scheme in mind? Forget about it....because chances are someone else has already done it. The burden outweighs the benefit for an actual reader anyways. The bottomline of my advice is: freeverse...the only way to write for this literarily decadent subculture on eliteskills (and the rest of the world)

    MyX
    | Posted on 2009-11-14 00:00:00 | by MyX | [ Reply to This ]
      Dear god, you MUST teach me to write like that.... the rhymes! The rhymes are soooooooooo pure and spiritually lingering, they so complete each other it's like looking at a giant word-fvck of squirming vowels and shuddering consenants, and ohhhhhhh.... the form of it all! Your description is especially wonderful...

    Everyone dream about someone and then see them in real..

    *Gasp* It's like you went BEYOND our English language, and picked out just the key words, showing us all what we don't even need to use, ie,

    Everyone dream[s] about someone and then [they see ---- or see[s]...

    It's like you're born God, and you know, despite not having a clue, what word goes where.


    Words too many with a drop of a tear,
    god in itself to cry for a dew.
    Death in life with a smile on your face,
    thousands of words to say i love you.


    THAT is so original! To end a line with "I love you"... well. Original. Fresh. So.... so.... non-Provencial?

    You mUST teach a course... you MUST share this blinding skill of uniqueness with me, how to drop letters from words, how to become a Hallmark card of "I love you's" that are natural rhymes, not forced or tacked-together with chewing gum....

    I'm honestly humbled... I've never been in the presence of such superior wordcrafting before. I have no words, except maybe a few from Southpark, which seem fitting...

    "Make love to me, Randy, NOW!!!!"

    (Well, it seemed nicer than Cartman's Go Suck My Balls.)
    | Posted on 2009-11-07 00:00:00 | by Runes | [ Reply to This ]
      Beautifully clichéd.
    | Posted on 2009-09-24 00:00:00 | by Runes | [ Reply to This ]
      Good poem “Eyes to embrace”. I like it. It speaks softly from the dreamer’s heart and is well expressed. I am not English myself - I get through it all. My Word 1997 which I find the easiest to handle, with the spelling and grammar is a great help.

    Regards Joachim.
    | Posted on 2009-05-15 00:00:00 | by Joachim | [ Reply to This ]
      this is actually really good. i'm not one for rhyming but it didn't take away from the eloquence of the piece. i'm always surprised when someone gives someone else a not-so-great review on a great poem and is actually a good writer themselves. so i'll give you that.

    my only advice (which has nothing to do with your writing here, but how you may view others at times) is to remember that writing is like any other form of art. words can be textures and paint on a canvas. they can be put together in any fashion..

    realism, surealism, abstractism, even cubism..

    take "the equisite corpse" movement, for example. anyway, i really liked this a lot. thanks :)

    merlo
    | Posted on 2009-04-21 00:00:00 | by blackbird | [ Reply to This ]
      very nice pacing here.

    it has the effect of pausing on a thought and then moving on

    this makes me feel the feelings are sincere, as if it's hard to leave them behind to talk of something else.

    it's a stylistic way of breaking up the lines and I appreciate this.

    my criticism would be that this happens midway through each line and if you varied this it would only make the feel of it more natural.

    Also you/dew

    there's room in this piece for creative expression that would only enhance a strong base.

    Quite lovely as it stands,

    but not an endpoint for this piece imo.

    | Posted on 2009-04-18 00:00:00 | by HuyBenAmon | [ Reply to This ]
      I admire anyone who writes in a language not their native tongue. This is brave. In English it doesn't quiet fit, but I see where you are going. There is a spiritual aspect of your work that doesn't need explaination or too much time on links. It's always good to see new work. I am involved in the evolution of work like this. A reader can see where the vocabulary seeps into an easier mindframe for you.

    Good work. Push hard.
    | Posted on 2009-03-29 00:00:00 | by Hollander | [ Reply to This ]
      nice i like the setting inlove goood that people feel like humansbut i will have prefered more of the mordern day english and not the shakespare` s okay but you are graet keep it up
    | Posted on 2006-07-10 00:00:00 | by kingsley | [ Reply to This ]
      nice i like the setting inlove goood that people feel like humansbut i will have prefered more of the mordern day english and not the shakespare` s okay but you are graet keep it up
    | Posted on 2006-07-10 00:00:00 | by kingsley | [ Reply to This ]
      nice i like the setting inlove goood that people feel like humansbut i will have prefered more of the mordern day english and not the shakespare` s okay but you are graet keep it up
    | Posted on 2006-07-10 00:00:00 | by kingsley | [ Reply to This ]


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    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
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