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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: with one phone calldots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: wildchild
    ASL Info:    19/f/northwest
    Elite Ratio:    4.48 - 307/268/27
    Words: 287
    Class/Type: Prose/Misc
    Total Views: 1251
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 1983



    Description:
       okay, this is just a rough draft, so please, don't be so picky with my grammar of mispellings right now. Just a general gist would be fine.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotswith one phone calldots
    -------------------------------------------


    She sat back to the corner, legs drawn to her chest and her arms hugging them tightly to her as she tried to block everything out. As she tried to escape. "It's not real, it can't be real." The mists that swirled about her stood still. She peered out and raised a hand to part them.
    The mists pulsated, making her eyes sting and her nose burn. She burried her head in her arms. Blinking rapidly, she was finally able to lift her head... and wished she hadn't. It was squatted before her, all malivious smiles and glittering eyes.

    It licked its lips, "Pathetic."
    "No," was the whisper back.
    "Second-Rate."
    "I'm not."
    "Always does it better, doesn't she? Always a few steps ahead and done before you start, huh?"
    She shook her head, "It's not that way."
    "But isn't that true?"
    "I... no."

    The mists grew thicker as Legion pressed themselves in to watch the show. Their bodies packed in so tightly, the cries of hope from the outside were drowned out.

    It shifted to regain her attention, "And what are you?"
    She blinked, "I'm... me?"
    It chuckled at her, "No, you're not. You never were. You're just a waste, a mistake, an imperfect mold."

    The mists jumped closer and joined in. "Second Rate" "Not good enough" "Inadequate" "Such a waste" "Imperfect" "Nothing" "Such a pity" "Waste"
    Their words sunk in and their cold hands played across her cheek.

    One tear fell and It howled in joy. A second followed and the mists swirled in ecstasy. She held her face in her hands and wept.
    It cackled and faded away. Leaving her to her dreadful thoughts and endless sobbing, Legion moved on.




    Submitted on 2006-07-10 09:13:55     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      WOW! This was a great write!!! I like the way you moved the reader in and out of your thoughts! This is one that is going on my fav's!
    Kelley Frost
    | Posted on 2006-10-18 00:00:00 | by whendt | [ Reply to This ]
      umm... Wow that was gripping it like just pulled u in and kept you there it was wonderful from the first and not boring like most things i really loved this alot alot keep writeing
    ~ Love Timely
    | Posted on 2006-09-19 00:00:00 | by Oscura | [ Reply to This ]
      This is really an incredibly well thought out and deep write Jess
    I have had these same feelings before
    To me the most important part of this write is you showed how damaging it is for a child to constantly be ridiculed and told how bad she is and that she will never be nothing
    Is it really so hard for people to point out the good in a person just as fast as they point out the so called bad
    We must remember that when a child or an adult hears only the negative it is forever trapped in their subconscience just waiting to pop out and create depression
    Once Again and excellent write Jess
    God Bless
    Ron

    Please keep in touch and if you get a chance check out my newest write
    For The Sake Of The Children
    Its along the same wavelength as this write
    God Bless
    Ron
    | Posted on 2006-07-10 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      Alright, before I comment I have one thing to get out of the way. I am FREEEEEEEEEZING. Alright, now I can comment.

    More darkness. Our favorite topic, isn't it? Presure...the need to succeed in everyone's eyes. Feeling inadequate, like nothing you do is ever good enough. Life rests all it's weight on your small shoulders. Only the strong survive, aye?

    I am going to respond in the same form as your prose. Let's go crazy, huh? Ready? You best be.

    The legions moved on, swirling the air, whipping back and licking at her face. She weeps. Alone again, she wails.

    "Is there no one here to dry those tears?" Cold fingers stroke her sodden cheek
    "My..." her voice cracks as she tries to find her strength. Though she never raises her gaze from the floor.
    A smile spreads across the shrouded face, "Come now, out with it."
    She clears her throat and starts again, "My tears are my own. Why do you stay and torment me? Join the others, go play your games. Leave me to my sorrow."
    "Aye, but your sorrow is not your own. Why not look towards those who care for you? Get up. Stand tall. Make me believe those tears are your own."

    She clenches her eyes shut, screaming inside. She wants to be left alone, this is what everyone wants from her. Why must she listen to this...this....whatever this thing is!? In pure anger the girl rips herself from her depression, so she can face this thing that delights in her faults. She should have come face to face with her tormentor, she instead came face to face with a mirror. The girls own worst enemy was her own mind.



    BAM, sista! Love you much!
    Bon
    | Posted on 2006-09-01 00:00:00 | by Krazy | [ Reply to This ]
      I agree whole heartedly with Ronswords. this is very well thought out, and captures the reader from the begining. i waned to know exactly what was happening, and what had happened to the girl to have the Legion after her. your grammer isnt bad, there are a few spots that, in the future, you may want to run thorugh and fix, but very good. are you going to continue this story, or was it just a thought you wrote out? I loved it, and would like to know more. It feels like one of those thoughts everyone has, but noone could ever write out, let others know what it felt like. you did an amazing job. keep it up! ~Nichole
    | Posted on 2006-07-10 00:00:00 | by butterfly_chi5 | [ Reply to This ]
      Interesting...very interesting.

    It's very constructed and so much is put into such little wording. The flow of the piece could have gone smother is there were a few grammer corrections...but we know how I am about grammer. Lol.

    I want to know what the title has to do with the piece it self.

    Have fun packin' babe.
    Love ya
    | Posted on 2006-07-10 00:00:00 | by Rain | [ Reply to This ]
      wow, very kool, this was kinda trippy but there was a lot of emotion in it and I got some of the best 70's flashback images ever....cept I wasn't alive in the 70's but is that MY fault??! seriously though I really liked this write, Ron said a lot and for the most part I agree to just a certain extent. basically I can relate to this one a lot, I know it's meant to read like that but with how i"M feeling today the format gave me a major headache...no offense or anything I just feel lyk shyt. pretty good write
    love ya,
    ~jess
    | Posted on 2006-07-11 00:00:00 | by silent_death12 | [ Reply to This ]
      Firstly: Yay! You wrote something! Thatís quite some time agoÖ Ok this was a sad piece.. I got to admit that I did not completely get it though. Was it about parents ruining their childís life? That, by calling her a waste and all? Mental ill-treatment? The part I didnít get was about the Legion. Maybe Iím stupid, but I donít know what you mean with it or what you are referring to. And is that also the ĎItí? Anyways.. this piece is nice, especially when youíd get the minor things like spelling right.

    Their words sunk in and their cold hands played across her cheek.

    I Think that line is a very good one.
    And that was all from me.

    Janneke
    | Posted on 2006-07-13 00:00:00 | by Darth Zeus | [ Reply to This ]
      Hi, this peice was great. But i wonder about it's meaning.well in my mind i tryed to picture the scene... a girl in a graveyard,her bf is mad at her,and about to shoot her but before he does he is telling her thats she is worthless. the graveyard part i got no idea where that came from.but im not sure.i always love reading little partlicals of thoughts that someone has, they make my brain actually work lol and try to make sence outt life.well it's been fun rammbling ono and on for u.
    Jenn(=
    | Posted on 2006-08-10 00:00:00 | by bbcherry | [ Reply to This ]


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