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    dots Submission Name: * .::::..:::..:::..:::..:::..dots

    Author: Caotic_Disaster
    ASL Info:    16/F/Canada
    Elite Ratio:    4.03 - 447/349/148
    Words: 65
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 998
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 402

       hey i read ur comments and i have tried to improve my poem so tell me what u think...thankz for the comments

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dots* .::::..:::..:::..:::..:::..dots

    You're the one who said it first
    I was totally in shock
    But I felt it too
    It was sensational
    The way you looked at me
    With those baby blue eyes
    And caressed my cheek
    With your velvety soft hand
    I didn't have a care in the world
    I wanted this moment to last forever
    So in return I said it too
    "I love you."

    Submitted on 2006-07-10 11:43:47     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
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    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      hmmm....i just went through ur journal, so I decided to read your featured work....
    nice, precise, simple yet conveying the feeling...
    i believe language is very generalized, we have emotions that cannot be conveyed in general terms like anger, venting etc...we're much more profound, just like love...
    | Posted on 2006-08-15 00:00:00 | by mihir | [ Reply to This ]
      Your best poem, imo. Nice, simple, straight to the point. Emotional and beautiful.

    -- Jason Clement
    | Posted on 2006-08-06 00:00:00 | by Jason_Clement | [ Reply to This ]
      I <3 this poem, chaotic! It's so powerful, even though it's short it's just like a little bite-sized piece of flowing words of emotion!

    I Loved it

    Thank you for the read, keep up da work
    | Posted on 2006-08-05 00:00:00 | by BlueHeart | [ Reply to This ]
      Like heartofxwinterx I didn't think this had a lot of emotion in it for the subject that was trying to be conveyed.

    I also didn't understand why you had the line in there
    "It wasn't my fault"
    Are you trying to say that you weren't the one who said I love you first? That's the idea I sort of got once I re-read it.

    I'd just make that a little clearer and put more emotion into this piece. Other then that, there was a great idea behind this piece, one I've failed to ever capture. Keep trying,

    | Posted on 2006-07-10 00:00:00 | by Glassy Eyed | [ Reply to This ]
      Very short poem. I believe it would be alot better if it were longer and you would have elaborated more on some of the lines. Possibly try adding more emotion to it, it seems very blunt and emotionless; It only sratches the surface of how your feeling...

    Nice write anyways,

    | Posted on 2006-08-18 00:00:00 | by remedy bayden | [ Reply to This ]
      This, though short, was written very well. But I didn't realy feel the emotion in it. Perhaps you need more description. Over all I liked it alot because I've been there and back, and coming back was a world of hurt. Great write! Keep up the awesome work, and I'll keep reading.

    | Posted on 2006-07-10 00:00:00 | by heartofxwinterx | [ Reply to This ]
      it was short and it had alot of meaning. it was also verry blunt so i guess it was good but that is only my opinion. i normally like the more hidden meaning types of things.
    good write

    | Posted on 2006-07-10 00:00:00 | by BusterLILblock | [ Reply to This ]
      I over-read in another comment that this would be better if it were longer. I disagree. I thought that this was very heartfelt and well written. The only suggestion I have would be to put in some punctuation to ease the flow. Besides that, I liked the words you chose to emphasize the foundation of this. No nitpicking, well done.

    | Posted on 2006-08-21 00:00:00 | by abuzzbuzz92 | [ Reply to This ]
      this was a great poem, even though it was short it got to the point, i have nohting else to say but bravo!!
    | Posted on 2006-07-17 00:00:00 | by newbee | [ Reply to This ]
      wow, that was short and it got right to the point. it had good suspension and tension in it for a poem and it had me waiting in short anticipation to get to the end. I am a fan of blunt, and right to the point poetry. not all poetry has to have a secret meaning and i think that is where a lot of poets go wrong. great piece!
    btw why did u put me on the stalk submission list?
    | Posted on 2006-07-16 00:00:00 | by DanceADream | [ Reply to This ]

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