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Words afraid to be spoken,
Like a lost, forgotten token,
Like a heart gently broken.
A fear that cannot be met,
The sun taking too long to set,
An always aching regret.
A burden to heavy to lift,
An unacceptable gift,
A dream that only drifts.
Where can strength be found?
Where does happiness abound?
Where does love resound?
How can I find this place
Where I will be embraced?
I will run there with all haste!
Now in darkness I cannot see,
In which direction do I flee
That I may be set free?
| my advice would be that if it doesn't flow when you speak it out loud then sit down with it and tweak it a bit...poetry is words in motion...and while this piece isn't necessarily bad, the motion isn't fluid...it's a bit choppy...|
now don't get me wrong, sometimes choppy is good for a piece, depending on the feeling you want to get across...but it doesn't feel as if this particular piece was meant to be choppy...
|| Posted on 2006-07-10 00:00:00 | by was_i_ever_real | [ Reply to This ] || The rhyming seems a bit forced to me, though I really like the line "a dream that only drifts". Some people think poetry should always rhyme. While it can make for a more musical tone, it can in some cases stifle the writer in what they're trying to convey. Reading this, I get that impression. I only think this because I see in some of the stanzas, lines that don't seem to really relate with eachother (not all stanzas of course).|
3rd stanza, 1st line: there's a typo on "to".
Take my advice with a grain of salt though, as I am far from expert on this subject, which you'll know if you happen to come across some of my amateurish scribbles.
I like the title. It stood out to me as rather intriguing among the other posts.
|| Posted on 2006-07-10 00:00:00 | by fo | [ Reply to This ] || Well.... my first suggestion would be to try to find a rhythm here. When you're using rhyme, the poem will look and sound more finished if you do something to let it read more smoothily. You might want to consider starting by having the same number of syllables per line. That's usually a good start. And if not the same syllables per line, at least consider having them all either odd dyllable counts or even syllable counts. It gives a feeling of connected ness... flow... as opposed to sentences strung after each other. The rhyme scheme isn't bad. It just needs something so the rhyme isn't fighting the spoken quality of the piece.||| Posted on 2006-07-10 00:00:00 | by DavidHirt | [ Reply to This ] || well i got a few things to say here...|
i think its cool that you are willing to learn more about poetry... always stay teachable and youll go far... promise...
now... my thing is... poetry doesnt always have to rhyme... it feels like you have restricted yourself to rhyming here and got so carried away with it that you have lost the focus of the piece somehow...
you start right out with worrds afraid to be spoken but you never tell the reader what these words are...
somehow i think you need to try and incorporate what these words are and also the implications of these words so the reader can know why your afraid to speak them...
i would refrain from asking so many questions...
the last 2 stanzas are basically all questions and i think... i think questions in poetry are good but they have to be answerable somehow and running questions one after another just loses the meaning of the words for me...
i dont know how long you been writing for but my biggest piece of advice for the journey would be this:
keep away from clichés... as far away as possible.
always try to find a way of saying what you feel or think in words that are so your own... MAKE WORDS YOUR SLAVES...
good luck... im sure you will do well...
see ya round
|| Posted on 2006-07-10 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ] |