Sign up to EliteSkills




Already have an account? Login to Roleplay.Cloud
Forgot password? Recover Password

Two Princes, you know


Author: Superman
ASL Info:    21 Lady
Elite Ratio:    7.37 - 695 /377 /71
Words: 106
Class/Type: Poetry /Serious
Total Views: 1888
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 720



Description:


Its missing a stanza or something
Edited- James [Fallen Grace]


Two Princes, you know



There were two men who fancied
one damsel in distress
A necklace each one bore
to put upon her chest.

The first was finely crafted
with silver crystaled jewels
Made from the finest metals
and all the finest tools

But the metal from the riches
was rough against the skin
and the damsel was affected
by the allergens within

The second necklace provedto be
the finer of the two
a hand-crafted piece of work
From the man she should pursue.

But its funny how love works
like an alcoholics mind
for she choose necklace number one
and the rash that intertwined.




Submitted on 2006-07-10 21:19:01     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post

Rate This Submission

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!




Comments


  I liked this piece a lot, especially the last stanza. Because of the way it sounds, and because of the crazy truth behind it. Why in the world does the “wrong one” always seem better? This is a cute little story, and I don’t mean cute in a meaningless way, but in an enjoyable way. It flows well and I really can’t think of anything that should be changed in the wording. There are a few small grammatical errors:

Stanza 4, Line 1 = “proved to” is not one word but you forgot the space

In the last 3 stanzas, you didn’t capitalize the 3rd line as you did in the first 2. Actually, your use of capitalization seems quite sporatic, but I’m sure you can fix that up easily, just read through it and think where the caps are necessary.

Your punctuation is also sporatic and can also be fixed with a read through (and, of course, taking the actions to add punctuation).

Then comes the title. I wonder why it says what it does, and I strongly suggest that you change it. Perhaps....hmm. I apologize, but I cannot think of a suggestion at the moment - if one comes up, I will let you know. But if you can think of nothing else, at least get rid of the “you know,” which seems to have no merit whatsoever.

I added this piece to my favorites, which you probably know by now. Thanks for posting this piece, you did a great job!

-Cari
| Posted on 2006-09-14 00:00:00 | by prettybaby | [ Reply to This ]
  "But its funny how love works
like an alcoholics mind
for she choose necklace number one"-- this really hit me.

We take bad for good and we make wrong decisions in life like "she" here.
Love is not to give and take costly sets or valuables to your mate, indeed, it is sometimes enough that you both truly love each other.
A naked Rose is too a jewel!!

"A necklace each one bore
to put upon her chest."-- this line I found was most naturally placed. I felt if I was wrong sometime in my life, though, while writing a story.

I found this thing that need a change: -

"for she choose necklace number one
and the [verity] that intertwined"

Hiding from life for love or money? this today is an unacceptable question.

However I've tried to append the poem, see if it's what you look for a "Missing stanza": -

"but it's different for those who desire
true princes and so and hence,
they disappear for once in white attire;
to explore the hand-crafted piece of sense."

I haven't much moulded it into the correct shape, hope you'd consider it for once.

Enjoy writing,
SHK
| Posted on 2006-07-27 00:00:00 | by shikhar_mall | [ Reply to This ]
  I am sorry that I really don't want to bash this. I think it is funny because it is true. people prefer somethings that aren't as good for you because they look better or they love them. I think that the part I like best is the last stanza. I have seen this kind of thing happen so many times. I think that flow is a little bit strange...but it works well with this piece. I thank you for the share and would just like to tell you it made me smile.
Briannan
| Posted on 2006-07-10 00:00:00 | by Briannan | [ Reply to This ]
  maybe put a stanza about why she chose the necklace that gave her rash...possibly something about superficial people...or maybe a stanza about the other necklace...you didn't really describe it all too well....i really liked the flow...the rhyme doesn't seem forced, but you're right, it is missing something
| Posted on 2006-07-10 00:00:00 | by was_i_ever_real | [ Reply to This ]
  you are right when you say theres something missing but i like how it reads all the same...

i dunno... it feels like a fable you know...
like a fast paced tale to show us just how dumbarse we are without actually telling us outright we are dumbarses lol

and this one really does show us all too well the folly of our ways haha

i love the end... about alcoholics minds... that was just insanely brilliant and who knows... to make a decision like that perhaps there was some kind of mind altering substance at work haha

but we do make the stupidest compromises and for what...? something thats so mainstream you are guaranteed to be able to get it on sale one day in the near future... when the value will have depreciated and it means nothing to us anymore...

girls suck...
this makes me think of that song
"girls dont like boys
girls like cars and money"

anyways...

sigh...
| Posted on 2006-07-10 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
  If at the turn of the phrase I delight!
this poem put a smile on my face...
maybe because I have made that choice myself
a couple of times in my life....
wonderfully put....
And there was a tale being told..... by way of poem...
something that makes me read on....
sorry, I'm a bit scattered at this junction.....
| Posted on 2006-07-12 00:00:00 | by CrypticBard | [ Reply to This ]
  Hello, well, I'm going to be honest, but I won't be bashing this piece today. Though I agree that it seems, at least to me, to be missing something. ANd, if I'm reading it right, that happens to be the second prince. It says that the first prince, the one with the alergen necklace, was the one she loved, yet it also says that it was the second prince who she would pursue, which I interpreted as pursue in love, though I may be wrong. But if I'm not, then you presently have either a freaky, love triangle, or a MPD prince(chalk one up for crazy people).
Other than that, I thought that it was quite an amusing story, and well worth reading. Salaam.
| Posted on 2006-07-26 00:00:00 | by Rastine Aristat | [ Reply to This ]
  Hi again, Kal. I thought I'd check out something of yours while I was here and came across this piece. I like the metal metaphor (hey, alliteration : )), and the metal allergy that goes with it. It's clever and you put it to good use. It does seem like something is missing, but I don't think the poem is too short.
It is similar in structure to an English sonnet, only with six syllables a line as a base rather than five, and sixteen lines instead of fourteen. Still, it's separated into quatrains and every other line rhymes (like one of Shakespeare's sonnets). The content puts me in the mind of a sonnet as well, and the sentiment seems like it could be expressed in the space used. I think what's missing is a definite close in the last stanza. Something that seems more final.
"Intertwined" is probably the culprit; it seems like a wishy-washy word. 'Entwined' might work better, or 'struck blind' or 'confined'. Throwing in a word like 'always' or 'forever' might even do the trick. Of course, I may not know what I'm talking about. You'd just have to try some things out and see what works for you.
Anyway, I enjoyed the poem, and will look at more of your stuff in the future if you'd like.

Hi ho,
-DD
| Posted on 2006-07-15 00:00:00 | by DevilDinosaur | [ Reply to This ]
  Hi again, Kal. I thought I'd check out something of yours while I was here and came across this piece. I like the metal metaphor (hey, alliteration : )), and the metal allergy that goes with it. It's clever and you put it to good use. It does seem like something is missing, but I don't think the poem is too short.
It is similar in structure to an English sonnet, only with six syllables a line as a base rather than five, and sixteen lines instead of fourteen. Still, it's separated into quatrains and every other line rhymes (like one of Shakespeare's sonnets). The content puts me in the mind of a sonnet as well, and the sentiment seems like it could be expressed in the space used. I think what's missing is a definite close in the last stanza. Something that seems more final.
"Intertwined" is probably the culprit; it seems like a wishy-washy word. 'Entwined' might work better, or 'struck blind' or 'confined'. Throwing in a word like 'always' or 'forever' might even do the trick. Of course, I may not know what I'm talking about. You'd just have to try some things out and see what works for you.
Anyway, I enjoyed the poem, and will look at more of your stuff in the future if you'd like.

Hi ho,
-DD
| Posted on 2006-07-15 00:00:00 | by DevilDinosaur | [ Reply to This ]
  Wow. I really like this piece Kayla. It's certainly a unique read on this board, a poem that reads as a parable. It has a nice easy flow to it and presents an interesting and relevant dilemna. I'd like to think I'd choose the hand crafted one, but like you say, we often go against what would be best for what seems like it would be best. I guess.

My only recommendation is:

The second necklace proved to be
the finer of the two
a hand-crafted piece of work
From the man she should pursue.

Not in any way necessary, it just reads better to me. But again, that's my style coming through. Overall though, this is an excellent write, from concept to completion. The kind of thing I would read to my children before bedtime. Keep it up.

James

| Posted on 2006-08-03 00:00:00 | by FallenGrace | [ Reply to This ]
  I like the way this poem was put into a story and yet kind of a principle which was expressed in the last stanza. Yea it is funny how "love" works sometimes. And yea I really can't bash this because one it was a great poem that flowed well and I simply don't believe in bashing another persons work. Come check out some of my work and tell me what you think.

much LOVE
James
| Posted on 2006-07-23 00:00:00 | by James Reyna | [ Reply to This ]
  Hello Kayla, I enjoyed this work very much. It is simple yet relays a subtle truth about people. I am partial to rhyming poetry, it puts the author to test and causes one to develope a command of the language so that they might convey their thoughts artfully and with pleasure to the reader. I hope to have time to read more of your work soon. Take care! Dan
| Posted on 2006-07-16 00:00:00 | by dmm | [ Reply to This ]


Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece?
7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?



110178