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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: thewall@myroom.comdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Darth Zeus
    ASL Info:    21/F/Vacuum
    Elite Ratio:    7.31 - 369/226/34
    Words: 308
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 1626
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 1827



    Description:
       Uhm.. this is what came to my mind when I was punching the wall this morning.
    -> September 16, I've done some editing today, thanks Joe [heartlessname], for the useful suggestions


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsthewall@myroom.comdots
    -------------------------------------------


    From: crazyXbaardaap@hotmail.com
    To: thewall@myroom.com
    Subject: sorry

    Dear wall,

    Today I realised how bad I have always treated you. I was giving you a hard time this morning. Forcing my fists into you, again and again. But then something hit me for a change. That something being like Ďsensesí, I donít know, it felt weird.
    I saw some blood on your surface, and it wasnít the first time I had to clean you up. Yesterday I did it too, and the day beforeÖ Seems like itís a daily treatment I give you.
    And I do that, while you have always been the most loyal to me. Youíre always there when I feel scared, or alone. When I need to hide, you seem to protect me. Shield me from the outside world. Only with you surrounding me I can feel safe. My sanctuary. Inner sanctum.
    But I never apologised for all the pain I have given you.
    Or the scenes I made you watch. [me with a knife, me with scissors, or that piece of glass, remember?]
    All the random objects I threw at you.
    It appears Iíve never been that grateful, have I? Instead youíve seen me crying. [You know, that would probably make you the only one. Isnít that special?] Witnessed me bleeding, desperate and aggressive.
    Though, I must say you always remained silent.
    You never intervened.
    Or replied to my cries.
    So I guess youíre not so talkative then.
    Thatís alright. I donít talk much myself either.
    I hope you can forgive me for what Iíve done. And please excuse me in advance, for the time when I wonít be able to clean you up anymore.
    But until then, stay with me.
    Even though I may not deserve it.
    Please.

    Yours insanity,

    Janneke.




    Submitted on 2006-07-11 13:38:33     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      Well, Strawberry Jann, this is certainly one of the different ones. I don't think I've ever seen anybody write to their wall before.
    But it kind of makes me thing-everybody abuses their walls. And we don't give them any appreciation. Now, I don't punch and bleed on my walls, but I don't clean them either. Didn't think I needed to, but now I just might.

    However, what I thought of is that maybe the wall could almost be a person. Maybe you have somebody who's like your wall, there and watching, silent but protective, that you don't appreciate and should. Maybe I'm just delving too far into the inner consciousness, but perhaps there's a reason you thought of you wall like this, and wanted to write a letter to it.
    I mean, it's a wall. You ask it not to leave-it's a wall, it's not going anywhere unless you happen to have a freak tornado as I write this. Yet you ask.
    Whatever you wrote it for, that's what it reminded me of. The way the wall was personified, I couldn't help but wonder if there was someone I was ignoring who'd been there for me like that. I can't think of one off the top of my head, but I'll keep your e-mail in mind.
    | Posted on 2008-10-19 00:00:00 | by Tisuna | [ Reply to This ]
      Woosha! This blew me away. I already have the feeling that the wall, upon reading this, might already have a strong urge to write a reply. Be it 'Damn you for treating me like this ' or 'Awww shucks its totally fine, cuz you definately need a wall like me '


    Well, some people have already said what I wanna say... >.< So um yea.


    To make it up for the lack of commentary, I'll put this lovely sweet confession to a non-living thing as my first favourite.
    | Posted on 2007-10-12 00:00:00 | by AutumnChild | [ Reply to This ]
      What if the walls had eyes? Souls? hearts? It's the reason old houses creak. This is very creative, where did you come up with it? I do similar things, I write letters to inanimate objects or faceless figures. (Pirate Eyes on my page) I love the idea of righting an email though...
    Do you expect the wall ever to answer back?
    -Waywardd
    | Posted on 2007-04-15 00:00:00 | by Waywarddaughter | [ Reply to This ]
      i kind of thought the wall deserved it myself... bu I'm really glad you guys made up....
    | Posted on 2006-12-28 00:00:00 | by blackbird | [ Reply to This ]
      If only walls could speak huh?

    I found this refreshing in the angle you chose to write this from... to your wall of all things. It's very creative and fresh in approach... and probably lets you say/write with a lot more emotion since it's something you encounter every time you go to your room.

    This can also be taken as a metaphor for the wall/s inside your mind... repressing, cajoling you etc into that pleasant place where you retreat into yourself to escape the daily grind of existence... but it can also be the limitations you place upon yourself.

    Interesting piece.
    Peace,

    Jase
    | Posted on 2006-07-31 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]
      This was the best I've seen you write, I mean it. I think the realisim of the piece stood out to me. The fact you took respondsibility for your actions, even if it was a wall, was outstanding. You pretty much summed up my teenage years. I can't find any errors here...yet. lol. Great work girl.

    Catrina
    | Posted on 2006-09-06 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]
      well it is very touching confession of yours, i don't know what i can say or what i should say and niether i know if it would be alright if i write what i feel, i don't know if you will accept me(not in wrong sence) if i relate my own expriencess.
    like this letter of your i to often write things that i feel that maybe others are thinking and also this there is always a second voice talking in my head, this voice sometimes supports me sometimes hate me, but is the only one who accepts me as i am.

    bue
    nishant
    | Posted on 2006-08-28 00:00:00 | by imagination | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey Janneke,

    This piece is so powerful and so direct, it is very hard to argue the weaknesses in your piece because i really don't see any. You've spoken from the heart and your creativity has blown me away.

    If there was one thing i would apologize to is my cell phone. I know how badly i've treated it knowing that it never did me wrong but in fact did me right. And although i've known that i was wrong to throw that phone many times (it managed to survive a lot of hits from the concrete) i never got to say how sorry i really was. At the end of the day, it was that phone that made everything okay again.

    The thing that i loved the most was your beginning. You have used today's technology to describe your true intentions. That was brilliant. Honestly, i love what you've done here.

    Hope to talk to you soon again.
    Take care...
    ~Irina
    | Posted on 2006-07-14 00:00:00 | by charmedidentity | [ Reply to This ]
      a very clever write. I must say. There are some places that need to be tightened up, but I enjoyed the subject matter emensely. You put a casual and humerous tone to what would otherwise be a very heavy subject. Not easily done! and for that I commend you.

    "i dont talk much my self either." for instance, should be - I dont talk much myself - or - ...either" -omitting myself. You need one or the other, not both. I like myself. better personally, but either way will do. There are a few other spots, but I gotta go. This was very enjoyable and entertaining. Thank you for the distraction.

    Lefty.
    | Posted on 2006-07-11 00:00:00 | by leftof_red | [ Reply to This ]
      Have to say, I'm quite impressed. This piece holds a great deal of sorrow and creativty. Both have come together to create something truly unique. Which is why it has been added to my faves. And not that you should feel honored or anything but, I don't add many pieces to my favourites list, and I read A LOT of poetry on this site. Your youth comes out in this piece as well, as does your confusion. I think it's a good portrayal of how you feel, but set in such a way that strikes the reader and keeps them interested until the end. It's like a confessional, your inner most thoughts displayed, but done in such a manner that had me entralled, and others too probably. :D

    I have a few suggestions, which I'll just add in as I'm going through each stanza. I'm not saying this is how IT HAS TO be, or even how it should be (aside from the typos I noticed, which were few and far between). These are just my views and suggestions. Take them, or don't. You're the author, and it's up to you entirely. You know how your piece should be and what you want it to contain/say. Please don't get offended either, I really did love this piece as I read it, and these are just my own thoughts.

    "Dear wall,

    Today I reali[z]ed how bad I have always treated you.
    I was giving you [such] a hard time this morning.
    Whacking my fists into you, again and again (until white fragments are embedded in my reddened/bloodied/sanguine knuckles.)
    But then something hit me for a change.
    That something being like Ďsensesí, I donít know, it felt weird.
    I saw some blood on your [broken] surface, and it wasnít the first time I had to clean you up."

    This first part was a great opening. I italicized 'whacking' because you may want a more powerful word [ie: forcing / slamming / pounding] although whacking most definately fits. Just to me, I've never liked that word or felt it had much resonance. Also, that add on to that line is just a bit I suggested because, I've punched (through) many a walls, and if you do it right, the drywall gets into your skin, and you have little white pieces and blood running from the gashes. I was jsut merging your experience with mine, it doesn't need to be lengthened with that, just thought you'd like another person's perspective on the matter. Use it if you wish. Only if you think it paints a better picture of the act. But I related to this a great deal, as does anyone really, who's felt such an anger they couldn't contain. That's why it appealed to me so much. 'But then something hit me for a change.' I love this :D I really do. I thought it was very clever. The following line is as well. The "...I don't know, it felt weird" line normally I'd change to something like "...I've never experienced before / been exposed to, it felt weird" but since this is written like an informal letter to an inanimate object, I think it suites the piece and it's tone perfectly. I really enjoyed it. Also the last line in the stanza works flawlessly to show that you go through this a lot, and it's not like a one time thing, and that something is troubling you a great deal.


    "Yesterday also, and the day beforeÖ Not to mention that itís a daily treatment I give you."

    This line strikes me as weird, I don't know why. Maybe the wording can be changed but then again it might just be me, as I am not a strong reader. It seems like it's attempting to follow up on the previous line, but done so in a jumbled[?] way. Maybe "I did yesterday too, and the day before (that)... seems like this is a daily treatment for you" -or- "...seems like this is a treatment you receive daily." I removed not to mention because, well, you're saying you did it two previous day and today, so daily is implied, without saying not to mention. I dont know though, it's just a suggestion from a weak mind. I am probably very wrong, in which case just ignore me and I'm sorry.

    "[I do] that, while you have always been the most loyal to me [, it's just not right].
    Youíre always there when I feel scared, or alone.
    When I need to hide, you seem to protect me;
    [guard / shield / shelter] me from the outside world.
    Only with you [sur]round[ing] me [can] I feel safe.
    My sanctuary. (or if you like latin, 'Inner Sanctum' but it's perfect as is too, I'm just giving an alternate word for something that works perfectly, I don't know why.)
    But I never [apologized] for all the pain [I've caused you / I've transfered from within me onto you / I've transfered from me to you).
    Or the scenes I made you watch. [Myself with a/the knife, with [the] scissors, or that piece of glass, remember?]
    All the random object[s] I threw at you.
    [It appears] Iíve never been that grateful, have I?"

    This part comes out swinging and doesn't stop. It cracked me in the jaw and threw sadness in my eyes. I can really see it, the pain I mean. I quite enjoyed it, it was very well done, and again, I can relate as you know. All the stuff in the brackets are just (hopefully) helpful suggestions. I like the idea of the walls being loyal, and protecting you. And then need to apologize to them, is just my favourite concept. Going through all that pain, normally one wouldn't give a [censored] about aything at all, and yeah, I just found it a very creative ideal. Pleasing to read.

    "[Y]ouíve seen me crying. (Do you know, that w[ould] make you the only one. Isnít that special?)
    [You've] [Witnessed me] bleeding, desperate and aggressive.
    Though, I must say you always remained silent.
    You never intervened.
    Or replied to my cries.
    So I guess youíre not so talkative then.
    Thatís alright. I donít talk much myself either.
    I hope you can forgive me for what Iíve done.
    And please excuse me in advance, for the time whe[n] I wonít be able to clean you up anymore.
    But until that [time], stay with me.
    Even though I m[ay] not deserve it.
    Please."

    I think this was my favourite part, although, I love the whole thing really, too hard to pick. Like I said I really can relate, but never would have thoguht of something so godamn creative. I sure do owe my walls an apology, the walls of many houses in fact. You sure put a new thought/point of view in my mind. This was a brilliant ending, well, quite informal, but again it suites the way in which the piece was written quite well. The conversation type writing adds to my liking, for instance how you're begging it to forgive you. I think this piece is a perfect example of the sadness you hold within, since I seem to know you a bit, I think I can say that. I mean, this was a very clever idea, writing to the wall, in a letter/email. Apologizing for things you really shouldn't be, or at least, not to a wall, but that's what I find so cool. Like, the wall is the only thing you feel the need to say you're sorry too, not yourself, or anyone else (not that anyone else deserves it).

    "Yours insanity,
    Janneke."

    I love how you signed it too, like, yeh, one of my favourite Kalmah songs is 'Cloned Insanity' and this juat, reminds me of that song, plus it's just original. Now, keep in mind, eventhough it looks like I re-wrote your whole piece, I truly did not. Sure I re-arranged words and added lots of stuff here and there, but I was juat trying to provide as much helpful feedback as possible, which is what a comment is supposed to do. As I already mentioned. I wasn't saying that it -has- to be changed, but it's just a different perspective for you to be able to look at and reflect upon, to see if you like it or what have you or maybe inspire your own ideas. I was just bombarding you with suggestions, not that all or any of them necessarily improve the piece, as the piece was a great read to me as it was. But like anything else, it can always be imrpoved upon. And I was jsut trying to help with that, not saying what I said DOES IN FACT improve it, but, it was just to show you how you could tweak things if you wished.

    Anyways, you know my feelings on this piece and the subject matter (from conversations we've had), and I hope you feel better. Take care and thanks for sharing this wonderful piece. I hope you enjoy the comment. Thanks for all your help!
    | Posted on 2006-08-02 00:00:00 | by heartlessname | [ Reply to This ]
      I feel like writing a very direct comment on this, but I shall try my best to endevour to it's true depth. Punching the wall in the morning...? No wonder you're always late for work, once you start, with the excitement, it's nearly impossible to stop.
    You managed to take a very much spoken about topic and make it into something VERY original, i must emphasize. I mean, how often do we get to read a letter to a wall. Most people keep their letters to their walls to themselves. It was brave of you to share something so confidential with a public audience.
    I apologize, Jannekke, I'll never be able to write a sensible comment for this, but I did try my best. Once I regain my insanity, I shall hopefully come back to read this.

    Good bye
    | Posted on 2006-07-12 00:00:00 | by abuzzbuzz92 | [ Reply to This ]
      hi janneke! y'know, i've read your writes and never commented on a-one of them. bad cameo, bad!

    this entry really hits home with me. i love the way you pointed out that the wall is always there to protect you and hide you, but you punch it anyway. i love that because, well, we all do these things, to walls AND to people. we don't confess gratitude where due. we just vent our frustrations. it makes me sad for my poor walls, too. they've seen some of the same abuse you've described, and i've never once thanked them...

    you're awesome - keep it up!

    xoxo
    cameo
    | Posted on 2006-09-01 00:00:00 | by GorgeousCorpse | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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