Description: This was written in the same spirit as Dick and the Dictator. I am just fed up with how the world is today. Maybe it is just a bit of unrealistic nostalgia, but I long for things to be "how they used to be". Hope you enjoy.
Death Traps in Cardboard Boxes -------------------------------------------
Our nation has gone to the dogs
Where do I even begin?
Turn on the t.v. and you are guaranteed to see some skin
A war fought for what rationality?
To feed the peoples' enraged mentality?
Bullet holes in school walls, shooting at playgrounds
With starving children all abound
People suing others with no justification
If you can’t feed your kids better
Don’t look at McDonald’s for compensation
Make informed decisions
Don’t treat others with derision
Think of what you are teaching your children
Draw on the nostalgia within
Don’t believe all you hear
Public opinion is often a crock
And stop eating death out of a cardboard box
I just did a long comment and then it wouldn't agree to be posted, for some reason. But I said - "Death in a cardboard box" is a strong metaphor and I suggested making another poem that's all about that figure. This kind of artistic process gets several pieces of work out of the same idea, but all different, and sometimes the idea drifts into some other meaning, too. A kind of dreaming ... good for self-discovery as well as practice!
I like where you are going with this, but I think you could still polish it up a bit. The theme is sound, the images are sound, the descriptions are good, though perhaps could be fleshed out a little more. Its fast food. Its yucky. Talk about grease and dirt and how unsanitary it is, maybe? Words are power, in this right now you are expressing an opinion, the last line has power, the death from a cardboard box, that is good - now just craft the rest to invoke the same power, to lead up until that final break.
'turn on the tv and you are guaranteed to see some skin' - this is good, go with this, you could add more about this, turn it into something more vile than it is - as stated, it doesn't necessarily invoke the 'badness' that you are going for.
' a war fought for what rationality' - talk about the horrors of that war, people starving in the streets, bleeding - gunfire outside playgrounds, bullet holes in the walls of schools, terrorism, explosions, atrocity.
I know also that the 'sting' of this piece will not be helped by drawing it out into a long descriptive mishmash of images, but you can use the language to make short jabs, bringing forth images and details for each of these examples that you use, tying it all together at the end. The length is good, you will not be served by making it too much longer, but I think that the idea is powerful it just needs more punch.