Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Death Traps in Cardboard Boxesdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: RedRoseofBlood
    ASL Info:    19/f/outsideyourwindow
    Elite Ratio:    3.34 - 592/582/135
    Words: 110
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 1401
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 753



    Description:
       This was written in the same spirit as Dick and the Dictator. I am just fed up with how the world is today. Maybe it is just a bit of unrealistic nostalgia, but I long for things to be "how they used to be". Hope you enjoy.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDeath Traps in Cardboard Boxesdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Our nation has gone to the dogs
    Where do I even begin?
    Turn on the t.v. and you are guaranteed to see some skin
    A war fought for what rationality?
    To feed the peoples' enraged mentality?
    Bullet holes in school walls, shooting at playgrounds
    With starving children all abound
    People suing others with no justification
    If you can’t feed your kids better
    Don’t look at McDonald’s for compensation
    Make informed decisions
    Don’t treat others with derision
    Think of what you are teaching your children
    Draw on the nostalgia within
    Don’t believe all you hear
    Public opinion is often a crock
    And stop eating death out of a cardboard box




    Submitted on 2006-07-11 16:01:40     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Heyyy...you nailed it right on the head! I like the "If you can't feed your kids better/Don't look at McDonald's for compensation"

    :) There should be more people like you around. And, as clichéd as it may sound, you are in a position to make a difference.
    | Posted on 2007-04-20 00:00:00 | by Maverique | [ Reply to This ]
      I just did a long comment and then it wouldn't agree to be posted, for some reason. But I said - "Death in a cardboard box" is a strong metaphor and I suggested making another poem that's all about that figure. This kind of artistic process gets several pieces of work out of the same idea, but all different, and sometimes the idea drifts into some other meaning, too. A kind of dreaming ... good for self-discovery as well as practice!
    | Posted on 2007-03-05 00:00:00 | by Glen Bowman | [ Reply to This ]
      OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH. I liked this one loads. Seriously. I wanna rape myself to it. Read it to me in a sexy voice. Cuz I need it right now. :D
    | Posted on 2006-07-26 00:00:00 | by DreamofOrganon | [ Reply to This ]
      I like where you are going with this, but I think you could still polish it up a bit. The theme is sound, the images are sound, the descriptions are good, though perhaps could be fleshed out a little more. Its fast food. Its yucky. Talk about grease and dirt and how unsanitary it is, maybe? Words are power, in this right now you are expressing an opinion, the last line has power, the death from a cardboard box, that is good - now just craft the rest to invoke the same power, to lead up until that final break.

    'turn on the tv and you are guaranteed to see some skin' - this is good, go with this, you could add more about this, turn it into something more vile than it is - as stated, it doesn't necessarily invoke the 'badness' that you are going for.

    ' a war fought for what rationality' - talk about the horrors of that war, people starving in the streets, bleeding - gunfire outside playgrounds, bullet holes in the walls of schools, terrorism, explosions, atrocity.

    I know also that the 'sting' of this piece will not be helped by drawing it out into a long descriptive mishmash of images, but you can use the language to make short jabs, bringing forth images and details for each of these examples that you use, tying it all together at the end. The length is good, you will not be served by making it too much longer, but I think that the idea is powerful it just needs more punch.

    -Z
    | Posted on 2006-07-12 00:00:00 | by ziska | [ Reply to This ]
      Well I like this, but I have to agree with mimi, you seemed to be more about fast food then anything else. Perhaps you should put in other things ya know? Just an idea...
    | Posted on 2006-07-11 00:00:00 | by Babykatty | [ Reply to This ]
      so you picked dick and the dictator? thanks... i like the death in a cardboard.. although it seems to be more about fast food killing the kids instead of dick and the dictator...
    | Posted on 2006-07-11 00:00:00 | by mimi | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    110271

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry